


Blurred Lines

by blindedstarlight



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Adventure, Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Fingering, Anal Play, Anal Sex, Angst, Anxiety, Disturbing Themes, F/M, Family, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Galaxy Garrison, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Pining, Nsfw content, Pansexual Shiro (Voltron), Pining, Porn with Feelings, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Kerberos Mission, Quickies, References to Depression, Research, Rimming, Romance, Science Fiction & Fantasy, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Smut, Temporarily Unrequited Love, Top!Adam, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, bottom!shiro
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-02
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-06-01 07:55:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 66,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15138599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blindedstarlight/pseuds/blindedstarlight
Summary: Meeting Takashi Shirogane at your local grocery store for the first time didn’t seem to carry any real consequence. He was just the prodigal pilot scheduled to launch with Professor Samuel Holt to a moon so far away you never really bothered to think too much into it. Your final frontier had always been the human mind, and your desire to learn about the deep effects of trauma on the functioning of the human mind continued to remain well fostered under the attentive guidance of your doctorate research supervisor, Professor Colleen Holt. It’s wasn’t until your supervisor recommended you to the Galaxy Garrison for a special project that you slowly realised that meeting Takashi Shirogane that first time had pretty much turned your whole world upside down…(On hiatus until further notice...)





	1. Prologue: First Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure why, but my muse would not let me write anything but this fic. I always wondered what Shiro was like before Kerberos. So, I guess, this is my way of exploring my ideas about him! Let me know what ya'll think! <3
> 
> Find me on tumblr:
> 
> blackpaladinarchive.tumblr.com
> 
> or
> 
> blindedstarlight.tumblr.com (if you want to come by for some ffxv stuff) <3

“Noodles? Again?”

The tone of judgment in the teen cashier’s words made you feel slightly self-conscious.

You shot the cashier a glare as you fished your debit card out from its designated pouch in your phone case. Noting the wear and tear on the purple polyester material of the case, you made a mental note to look for a cheap but reliable long-term replacement.

Handing the card to the cashier to tap against the mobile transaction machine, you took your bag of ‘groceries’ from the cashier and waited for your receipt.

“I’m a student,” you found your self drawling in explanation— not that it really mattered to the cashier at all, “if I want my twenty thousand dollar scholarship to last me the whole year, this is as luxurious as it’s going to get—.”

The cashier cut you off with a disinterested sigh “You’re gonna get fat. Just sayin’. Here’s your receipt.” He handed you the short receipt without ceremony.

You huffed at him and took the paper off him, shoving it into your plastic bag in a show of distaste before retrieving your card back from him.

“I’m not coming here again. I’m going to complain to your manager!” You threatened.

He simply rolled his eyes at you “Go ahead. I hate it here…”

You couldn’t help but pause and raise your eyebrows at the young man handling the register. His features were punkishly handsome— all pale skin and dark features. He was admittedly going to grow into quite the looker. You felt sorry for the unfortunate man or woman who would eventually end up falling in love with the asshole you knew as ‘bitter teen-aged cashier dude’ in your mind.

“Right… stay out of trouble kid. Not everyone’s going to be so forgiving of your attitude,” you warned, tone warm and firm. You realised that there really was no reason to be so offended by a clearly angsty teen who was simply taking out other frustrations on you.

The young man’s features slackened into an expression that reminded you of a cartoonish kicked puppy. His bottom lip stuck out slightly and his gaze dropped as he toned out momentarily, his shoulders slumping at your soft but stern scolding.

A sigh finally escaped his lips and he looked up at you with genuine remorse in his dark coloured eyes “Sorry. It’s just what my broth—,” the young man cut himself off and slightly shook his head as he corrected himself, “I mean, my mentor’s always telling me this stuff’s not good for me. I just… I thought I’d pass on the wisdom.”

Your gaze softened. The young man really did mean well.

“It’s okay,” you found yourself laughing lightly, “and I guess I’ll see you next time then.”

The young man raised his eyebrows at you in question “I thought you said you’re not coming here anymore?”

You smiled at him and winked “Just bluffing. This is the cheapest grocery store around. Besides, I’m going to come around and check on you. Can’t have you offending other ladies by calling them fat—.”

“I didn’t call you fat!” He protested, sounding incredibly wronged, “I said you were going to get fat. Because of the noodles!”

Crossing your arms in front of you, you let your bag of noodles hang at your side as you regarded the young man with an amused smile. He really was something alright— all fiery and passionate about nothing in particular. It was clear to you that he was strongly opinionated, but it was also very clear to you that he didn’t seem to have his razor sharp focus and strong ideals focused in onto something that could benefit his future.

In your humble, almost-doctor opinion… the kid was smart, intellectually strong, but incredibly lonely and bored.

“What’s your name, mister angsty cashier?” You asked with a smile.

The young man practically squawked at your temporary nick name for him. He opened his mouth to reply, only to be interrupted by a surprised male voice that came from directly behind you.

“Shiro?” The young man’s voice lilted upwards in inflection, clearly surprised as his gaze passed over your shoulder to focus on the new arrival.

You frowned “Your name’s Shiro?”

“No,” a deeply amused laugh escaped the person who was standing behind you. You turned your body and blinked at the tall, broad asian man who stood rather calmly a few paces away from you with his muscular arms crossed across his torso. “That’s my name. The cashier’s Keith. Keith, I’m here to pick you up. Your shift’s almost over, right?”

You gulped and blinked at the admittedly attractive man standing a few steps away from you before turning back to the young man— Keith.

“Wait… I have heard of this guy…” you stage-whispered to Keith. The dark-haired young man snorted softly and crossed his arms, shrugging lightly.

“Everyone’s heard of him. He’s a legend at the Galaxy Garrison—.”

You frowned as you thought hard about where you had heard of this ‘Shiro’ guy before. The loudness of your thoughts drowned out the light back and forth being had between the handsome buff guy and the cashier.

Your research supervisor, world-renowned Clinical Psychologist Professor Colleen Holt, had mentioned the guy’s name a few times the past week as she spoke about the friendly dinner she wanted to share with you and her family and… Professor Samuel Holt’s prodigal space officer!

Whirling on the man standing behind you, you barely registered the shocked look on his face at your sudden movement. Your jaw dropped as you took the pseudo-celebrity’s form in, unable to contain your surprise at meeting him in your daggy old university hoodie and mysteriously oil-stained grey sweatpants.

To add insult to injury, you wore slip on sandals with unmatched woollen socks.

Just great.

“Y-you’re Commander Takashi Shirogane! Professor Holt’s super star—.”

He laughed, cutting you off.

His laugh was great. Just like him.

“He’s my Commanding Officer. I’m just his pilot. Not a super star. Um,” the prodigal pilot smiled awkwardly at you, and it was then that you realised that you were probably acting incredibly rude towards him. He probably felt uncomfortable around you.

You wanted to disappear into the dirty floors of the store (what the hell had Keith been doing on his shift anyways? The store was a mess!), knowing full well that you were being more socially awkward than you had ever been before. And that was saying something…

“I’ve gotta go!” You announced abruptly, pushing past freaking Takashi Shirogane to exit the store.

As you bolted towards your dingy car, you couldn’t help but hear Keith’s amused laughter.

Face feeling as hot as than the summer sun’s rays, you rolled your eyes “At least mister angsty cashier dude knows how to laugh. That’s a relief.”

As you drove back to your university dorm, a thought suddenly hit you like a tonne of bricks, eliciting a sharp gasp of realisation.

That dinner Professor Colleen Holt had invited you to a week ago? That would be happening in TWO days.

You couldn’t help but groan in defeat.

“Ughhhh, why do these things happen to me?!”


	2. A Family Affair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter One! This one’s really just establishing the beginnings of the plot to unfold lol! Enjoy and let me know what ya’ll think! Gosh, thank you for reading friends! OH, also– being published the science journal “Nature” (for psychology researchers at least) is a BIIIIG deal! We used to throw little celebration parties in our labs when lab members got published there lmao! Also Cognitive Science! Man, I miss my research days…

“Sam told me you met his student. Commander Shirogane. At the grocery store?” Colleen smiled at you as she handed you a couple of printed articles from her latest research project. 

You glanced down at them, noting that they were all themed around rat research on the effects of short-term trauma on long-term cognitive function.

You couldn’t help but sigh at your supervisor’s comment. You were currently mid-way through Friday— the day of that particular week which promised you an awkward familial dinner with your loveable professor, her military-scientific genius husband, her two genius kids and her husband’s wonder-student.

Gut plummeting with your nerves, you sighed again “I’m not sure if I can make it tonight—.”

“ _Oh no._  You’re not getting out of this one Y/N. My husband’s so keen on meeting you, and Katie’s excited to talk to you about your cognitive science research!” Colleen appeared to be bargaining with you as she handed you a few more printed articles, stained with what you guessed to be her morning coffee.

Biting your lip gently, you shook your head in disbelief at Colleen, self doubt making itself known immediately. You were never good at hiding your true feelings in front of those who knew you well. Colleen immediately stilled and regarded you with sympathetic eyes.

Her non-verbal encouragement had you spilling your guts like never before.

“I’m just not sure if I’m  _good enough_  to attend. I’m completing my post-grad research project in an arbitrary scientific field that depends on the co-existence of multiple extraneous variables. The only thing that makes any smidgen of sense, whilst abiding to the laws of physics as we know then, might be the basic physical tenants of cognitive science. Even then, likening the organic neural pathways of the human brain to an artificial computer system just…  _it just doesn’t seem impressive compared to all else to be discussed over dinner_.”

Colleen simply stared at you before her lips stretched out into a small, knowing smile. You knew deep down that the gesture wasn’t supposed to make you feel dumb—  _but good gosh, you felt incredibly stupid for expressing your dumb fear of being thought sub-intellectual at what was supposed to be a friendly dinner_.

“You’re my student,” Colleen began as she reached out a hand and placed is supportively on your knee, “but more than that, you’re like family now. We’ve spent countless days and nights together in our pursuit for knowledge. We’ve been through many ups and downs, and have triumphed through it all— together we learned so much more about the human brain and its resilience than we had ever dreamed possible!” Colleen squeezed gently at your knee as she spoke, her eyes shining with fond kindness as she made eye contact with you. “You’re a bright young woman, Y/N. A great scientist and an invaluable human being. Please…  _do not sell yourself so short_.”

Breath hitching, you felt overwhelmed by your professor’s incredibly faith in you. Clutching at the papers she handed you a few moments ago, you nodded in determination.

“Th-thank you. I…  _I won’t let you down_.”

Colleen continued smiling at you as she retracted her hand from your knee and turned back to her double-screens at her desk.

“I know you won’t. Now… let’s run these stats, hm?”

* * *

Your day had gone incredibly smoothly.

The psychology experiment you and Colleen had run on the undergraduate students, fully cleared by the university human research ethics board mind you, had yielded statistically significant results. You made decent headway with the accompanying research paper earlier during the day, and only had to complete your discussion and paper summary before Colleen checked it over and had it peer-reviewed and ready for publishing.

Apparently, Colleen was aiming to have it published in  _Nature_. Being published in that particular scientific journal was a  _big deal_. Especially for a paper that focused more on cognitive science rather than psychobiology. It was incredibly exciting and daunting all at the same time.

Aside from your research, you managed to score your favourite seat in the communal cafeteria, and your first year tutorial class had performed above average in their half yearly examinations. You got to indulge yourself in a warm cup of coffee as you marked decently completed assignments, and one of the university clubs you were passing by on the main walk had given you a free donut!

This worried you  _immensely_.

For a woman seeking to make a living out of applying the scientific method to the study of the human mind, your understanding of how the world around you worked was not… quite in line with that sentiment.

 _Your day had been great and therefore, in rightful inverse,_ ** _your evening was going to bomb hard_**.

Gulping hard, you shook away the remnant thoughts of your awesome day and quickly appraised your appearance once more with a long, laborious sigh.

Colleen had told you to dress comfortably, and so you opted for some faded blue jeans and a warm university hoodie. Having been dressed smart-casual all day at university while you worked and studied, you didn’t want to be uncomfortable during your limited  _down-time_.

Still, you belatedly realised that you were going to be sharing a dining table with  _three_  men who were chosen out of millions to go to a moon so far away you didn’t bother remembering the name of it.

You bit your lip nervously as you pressed the door bell before your mind could tell you that you weren’t ready to go inside. Perhaps you should have read up on space and the moons and the stars and other related things…

 _What the hell was your star sign again_?

Eyes widening, you panicked as you drew a blank.

Even astronomical pop-culture eluded you. Or… was that  _astrological_?  **Was there a difference**?

You were  _doomed_.

Before you could even  _think_  of bailing, Colleen’s enthused visage entered your field of vision. She reached out for you and pulled you inside her warm, and delicious smelling, home with incredibly fanfare.

“She’s here!” Colleen cheered, and you couldn’t help but wonder  _why_  your professor was so incredibly happy that you turned up. She saw you on a daily basis; so much that she should have been  _sick_  of you. There were times where she grunted at you when you asked your dumb ass questions that had you convinced that Professor Colleen Holt was only tolerating you because you brought her coffee every morning. “Come,” Colleen jolted you out of your thoughts once more as she dragged you further into her family home, “the others are setting up the table! Well, the kids are— Sam, Shiro and I were having some wine before our meal.”

You raised your eyebrows at Colleen, finally registering the faint blush on her cheeks.

 _Oh no_ …

The last time you saw Professor Colleen Holt drunk was when you had attended a huge psychobiology conference with her in Australia. She got implicated in a drinking contest at a local pub after the conference with the Australian professors and…  _unfortunately learned that she was a lightweight compared to the beer-blooded Aussies_.

Not that it has to be said, but things didn’t really end well for Colleen.

You had spent the night in your professor’s hotel room, on the bathroom floor, holding her hair back and she sobbed into the toilet bowl with deep regret.

 _At least, by the end of tonight, it would be Sam Holt holding his wife’s hair back instead of you_ …

A small grin founds its way onto your lips at the thought. The domesticity of it all really warmed your heart.

Your warm heart immediately chilled as you were pulled into what looked like the family room. Almost like your eyes were drawn to his like magnets, your gaze locked onto Shiro’s.

“Um,” Shiro began, only to be interrupted by the older man sitting beside him. The man looked sophisticated—  _well as sophisticated as he could whilst adorning a clearly drunken flush upon his cheeks_ — his hair greyed yet full and voluminous.

“You must be Y/N! I’ve heard so much about you! Shiro couldn’t stop asking about you since his run in with you at the store—!”

“Professor!” Shiro admonished, and you couldn’t help but noticed the way he embarrassedly sunk into the cushions of the sofa he was seated upon.

You could feel your own cheeks flushing with heat at the sudden attention.

“Ah, Prof- Professor Holt! Nice to meet you,” you stepped forward and politely offered up your clammy hand for a handshake.

“Just Sam is fine,” he sounded jovial as he took your hand in a firm hand shake. You hoped that he didn’t notice the damp climate of your palm— and even if he  _did_  notice it, you hoped he wouldn’t say anything about it. “Please, take a seat Y/N—  _KATIE, COME MEET Y/N! MATT, YOU TOO!_ ”  Sam suddenly hollered, and you jolted up at the sheer volume of his call.

“Sam,” Colleen admonished, though you could hear the laughter in her voice loud and clear, “calm down and grab Y/N a glass of wine—.”

“I don’t drink,” you intercepted, nervously wetting your lips with your tongue as your mouth started to become dry with nervousness.

Colleen’s eyes honey brown eyes widened in realisation and she immediately pulled you towards the empty spot right beside freaking Takashi Shirogane. Before you could even thing to protest, you already felt your backside plop down on the soft cushion, your arm brushing against Shiro’s bulgy muscular upper arm muscles that were very muscular indeed—.

_Geez Y/N, get with the program…_

“Katie, will you please bring Y/N some sparkling water?” Colleen called behind her towards the kitchen.

You shook your head, incredibly flustered. Right at that moment, your tummy grumbled and you hoped Shiro didn’t hear the embarrassing sound.

When Shiro laughed sheepishly, you realised he had indeed heard your gurgling tummy. You wanted the sofa to consume you into the very fabrics of time and space, never to spit you out ever again.

“Oh dear, Y/N’s hungry too!” Sam smiled gently at you, “Shiro’s been pestering me about getting started on Colleen’s pasta bake ever since he got here—.”

“Hey!” Shiro squawked, fully called out by his own professor. You couldn’t help yourself as you laughed in amusement at the exchange. Sure, you were still as stiff as a board, but Sam and Shiro seemed…  _normal_. “Can you really blame me? I went completely carb free today just for this pasta bake tonight.”

Eyes wide at Shiro’s strict calorie counting habits, you barely noticed the cool press of a bottle at your arm. You turned your head and caught sight of a young girl with intelligent honey brown eyes, gleaming with excitement as she pressed the bottle against your skin.

“Hi, I’m Katie!” She grinned up at you, “wanna eat some stuff? It’s good!”

“Pidge, please. Give her some breathing space—.”

 _Katie_  bristled at the jovial looking young man who just entered the family room, his hands still covered with oven mitts.

“Don’t call me that!” She whined, shooting a desolate look at Colleen. Your professor sighed and shook her head before walking towards Katie. She placed her hands on her daughter’s shoulders and held her gently, drawing the small girl back against her front. The girl’s head only reached her mother’s torso. She was incredibly small—  _you couldn’t help but want to protect her._

“Matt, don’t upset your sister please. I think all of you kids are getting a little hungry, hm?” Her question was left amongst and awkward silence, not that this deterred Colleen from talking mostly to herself as she steered her darling little girl towards the dining room. “We can continue our discussions over dinner. Follow me!”

You moved to get up off the sofa, but got jostled and lost your balance when Shiro decided to get up at the same time. He surprised you as he turned around and offered you his right hand, a somewhat timid smile on his face.

“Sorry, here…” he mumbled, and you couldn’t help but wonder how such a perfect specimen could sound  _unsure_  of himself. You bit the inside of your cheek and shot him an awkward smile of your own, your still-clammy hand grasping at his warm and firm grip. He pulled you up off the couch easily and immediately let go of you once your were standing upright.

Shiro moved quickly off to the side and gestured towards the dining room, looking like a smartly dressed busboy.

Wait…  _smartly dressed_.

Your jaw dropped before you could even stop it from happening.

“Oh… my god,” you gasped, “I look like a complete slob. I…  _why are you dressed so smart_?” You stage whispered, your tone incredibly affronted.

Shiro raised his eyebrows at you, his hands also rising in the universal gesture for surrender.

“I’m not sure what you mean—.”

“You’re wearing  _a suit!_ ” You hissed, pointing at Shiro accusingly, forgetting that he was hot and amazing and an incredibly talented genius. At this point in time, you were more concerned about looking like a disrespectful slob. “I thought we were just supposed to dress casual!”

He stared at you for a few moments before his eyes quickly gave you a once-over. Clearing his throat as his dark grey eyes met your gaze again, he shrugged noncommittally.

“I guess I broke dress-code? Sorry…”

You felt uncomfortable at Shiro’s unwarranted apology. Why was he apologising to you? And why were you lashing out at him?

You sighed, hungry and exhausted.

“Sorry… I mean…  _ugh,_ ” you groaned softly, shutting your eyes as you brought your fingers to your temple to relieve the dull throb that suddenly started up there, “I’m just freaking out over nothing. I’m sorry. You don’t need to be sorry.”

Suddenly, you felt a warm weight on your shoulder.

It was his hand.

“You’re okay. It’s fine. Also… Colleen told me about the results of your recent experiment. It’s going in  _Nature_  huh? That’s awesome!”

You flushed as  you quickly realised what Takashi Shirogane, the angel on earth, was trying to do. He was awkwardly trying to change the subject to make you feel better about your social blunder.

Coughing lightly in your embarrassment, you nodded almost shyly “I guess—.”

“Shiro, Y/N! Water or soda?” Matt called out from the direction of the kitchen.

You both turned towards his voice and answered back in unison.

“Water!”

With wide eyes, you and Shiro turned to each other and blinked at each other in mutual silence.

And then you giggled.

And he smiled.

And…  _gosh he had a cute smile_.

As you and Shiro shuffled into the dining room, and sat adjacent to each other beside your respective professors, you began to realise that…  ** _your evening hadn’t bombed at all._**

In fact, the dinner went incredibly smoothly.

You got along surprisingly well with all of the Holts, and Katie Holt was a delightfully innocent and curious mind seated on your other side throughout dinner. Matt was incredibly witty, and got along splendidly with Shiro (though you figured that would have to, given that they were going to be heading off to space together).

Shiro openly gushed about Colleen’s pasta bake, which had you laughing fondly at his openly candid ways. You couldn’t help but think he looked sweet smiling and laughing so freely. He wasn’t there to show off his knowledge, intelligence or rank. No one at the dinner table was.

In fact, it was simply… what it was meant to be—  _a family dinner_.

Anxieties abated, you let yourself enjoy your evening.

You completely missed the knowing looks Colleen and Sam exchanged between each other as they observed your interactions with Shiro.

They were up to something.


	3. Assurances

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woohoo, Chapter Two! :D I’m really enjoying writing this fic… just a fair warning for you loves; this fic is gonna get dark eventually… like serious body-horror and graphic depictions of violence and shit. For now, it’s gonna remain pure and sweet and stuff, but just know that for every sweet scene in the early chapters of the fic, there will be an equally horrific scene later on down the track! O_O Okay, now that I’ve sufficiently warned you pals, on with the fic! <3

After an eventful dinner at the Holts’, life returned back to normal relatively quick. 

You used the weekend to decompress and analyse how you did during dinner and you were proud of the fact that you helped Colleen and Katie wash and dry the dishes afterwards. To your surprised amusement, Shiro had attempted to help as well, but Katie waved him out of the kitchen rather comically, explaining that he was to  _muscly_  to fit inside the kitchen with you, herself and her mom.

The baffled look Shiro’s face as he was hoarded out of the kitchen by a almost less than half his size remained etched in your memory; it was too cute not to be.

In the present time, you found yourself labouring over a whole heap of new printed research papers on the short-term effects of acute trauma on autobiographical memory. A lot of the recent literature on the topic pointed towards complete erasure of severe modification of once non-modifiable memory traces.

Of course, a lot of the scientifically controlled experiments were completed on eventually euthanised lab rats, but there were some longitudinal human studies completed on war veterans and other trauma rich occupational volunteers. The human studies were not as scientifically sound as you would have liked them to be, but that was the cost of remaining ethical in your search for knowledge.

There were times when a darker side of you spoke up, gently urging you to turn the other cheek on the scientific community’s code of ethics—  _knowledge is power after all._ Still, you could never truly bring yourself to do such a thing; perhaps your inherent ability to keep those evil thoughts at bay was your greatest virtue?

Licking your lips nervously, you tried to banish the dark thoughts from your mind.

 _You had papers to read and review before the end of the day_.

In an attempt to get back to your previous academic focus from earlier in the day, you decided to take a short coffee break. You ignored that fact that this coffee would be your third coffee within the same day. You also ignored the fact that the sun was beginning to set and that the caffeine you were about to ingest was probably going to remain in your system well past your self-enforced school night bed time.

The low, warm rays of the afternoon sun felt like a comforting hug around you as you let your fatigued legs drag you towards your favourite coffee cart. You vaguely heard the sparse students milling around you speaking excitedly about the parties they were going to be attending that coming weekend. Shaking your head slightly, you wondered what it was about drunken party atmospheres that made everyone so enthused. Was it the unfocused inhibitions due to over-consumption of cheap alcohol? Or maybe it was the inherent sexual tension experienced by all young people laden in close proximity within a room that was only meant to hold a maximum capacity of maybe ten people?

Mindlessly, you joined the surprisingly long line at the coffee cart and crossed your arms, your mind already falling into a state of concentration as you began to consider all the new information about memory traces and trauma’s effects on them that you garnered in the last few hours. The information was a blur in your mind, so much that your eyes glazed over and your vision clouded with the immense concentration you focused on the task of merely thinking over the information.

“— meeting you here!”

Jolted from your reverie at the sudden intrusion of a vaguely familiar voice, you jumped a little as you quickly turned your whole body’s attention towards the voice’s source.

There, in your favourite coffee cart’s line, in a university campus you were  _entirely sure_  was not the Galaxy Garrison, stood Senior Commander Samuel Holt and his Senior Officer Takashi Shirogane (rightly corrected only a few days ago by your own supervisor Colleen). They were dressed in full uniform, their grey decorated uniforms standing out starkly amongst the casually dressed civilian students and university staff members.

“Uh,” you murmured, intelligence flying out the nearest figurative window to your current location. “Sorry, I completely missed what you just said. Sorry…” you trailed off sheepishly, already feeling warmth rising up to your cheeks.

You caught Shiro smiling good-naturedly at you, and…  _gods he was so tall! When did he get so tall? Was he always this tall?!_

“No, no! There’s no need to apologise. We must have caught you completely off guard. I mean, this isn’t exactly the first place you would expect to meet us, am I right?” Sam laughed quietly into his hand, his warm gaze putting you at ease immediately.

Nodding in agreement, you smiled at him shyly “I guess so? I was just so caught up in my thoughts, and I think I’m a little burned out today. I’ve been working since the morning, but I feel like I need a few more hours in the office before I’m satisfied with my progress for the day—.”

“Coffee’s on me then,” Shiro suddenly declared. You turned to him and began to sputter in the beginnings of half-formed protest, only to pause before you started at the sight of that  _stupid cute smile_.

It was official. You were Superman and Takashi Shirogane was your god damn Kryptonite.

You suddenly snorted out loud in amusement at your personal metaphor. There existed  _no reality_ where you could ever be likened to Superman. You were more like…  _the side character that fell in the middle of trying to escape screaming “ah, my leg!”_

“Or maybe,” Shiro continued, sounding a little concerned “you can skip the coffee and just call it a day?”

You caught Sam’s eye as he nodded in agreement with Shiro.

“Shiro’s right. You’re zoning out completely, Y/N.”

You shook your head and smiled, though you could tell you probably looked like a tired mess of a person. Ah, the life of a budding academic! It was glorious indeed!

“But there’s just a couple more papers that need summarising! And then there’s that review that’s due in two weeks. If I get it done tonight, I can use that time for my next study—!”

Shiro surprised you with a firm grip on your upper arm. His hand was warm through your thin sweater as he pulled you out of the coffee line. Sam followed, a look of clear paternal concern on his features as he studied you closely.

“The work won’t escape you, nor will the ideas.” Sam reached out to gently squeeze your elbow, and you felt your heart throb lightly with the careful and caring gesture. You had almost forgotten what it was like to be taken care of. Sam Holt barely knew you, and had only met you once, and yet here he was making sure you were going to be taking care of yourself. “Go rest. You look like Katie after she’s spent her whole weekend on developing decryption software.” A fond look overtook Sam’s features at his self-mention of his daughter.

Silence pervaded the intimate atmosphere around the three of you before Shiro spoke up.

“Permission to escort Y/N to her residence sir?”

Your eyes widened at Shiro’s formal query, and you immediately tried to sputter out semi-coherent words of gratitude and refusal if only to save yourself from further embarrassment. You weren’t in the best state of mind, and when you were mentally exhausted, the mental fatigue always seemed to translate to your physical state of being as well.

“Permission granted.”

“What?” You exclaimed, whirling on Sam with alarm clear on your features. “That’s not necessary—!”

“Please,” Shiro suddenly pleaded at your side. When did he get there? “It’s either this or being stuck in a car with Commander Holt and Professor Holt. They talk  _dirty_  using computer algorithms.” Shiro shuddered as he looked to you with a pleading expression on his handsome face.

Commander (or was it  _Professor Holt_  to you?) actually rolled his eyes at Shiro and crossed his arms over his chest “Our conversation was completely appropriate for innocent ears, thank you very much. Your brain just decided to assign lewd connotations to our terminology!”

You glanced between a disturbed looking Shiro and an indignant looking Commander Holt before shrugging in reluctant defeat.

“Fine. I can’t get any more work done without a coffee in my system anyways. Might as well go home.”

The look of relief that instantly spread across Shiro’s face had you wondering whether the car banter in the Holts’ motor vehicle was really that disturbing.

Before you got the chance to ask, Shiro grasped your wrist and tugged you along with him “I’ll see you tomorrow, Commander Holt! Only a couple of weeks until our mandatory live-in arrangement!” Shiro called behind him, almost like he was reminding the commander of the fact.

“Live-in arrangement?” You mused to yourself. You hadn’t realised that you spoke your thought out loud. Not until Shiro hummed in acknowledgement.

“Yeah,” he glanced down at you, keeping his strides short so that he could walk alongside you “we’re going to be stuck in a tiny space craft for approximately nine months so the Garrison’s made provisions for me to live-in with the Holts until mission take-off.” Shiro smiled at you, a lightly twinkle in his gaze.

Your mouth parted into a soft look of astonishment, “For real? Nine months with Commander Holt and his son…  _that doesn’t sound so bad_.” You couldn’t help but smile as you recalled the commander’s warm countenance and Matt’s playfully energetic mannerisms. “I hope it all goes well…  _do you even know where you’re taking me?_ ” You suddenly asked, eyebrow arching skeptically as you shot Shiro an appraising look.

Shiro paused mid-step and turned to you, his hand rising to the back of his neck as he rubbed the spot out of what seemed to be nervous habit. He tilted his head to the side, and the gesture was so endearingly naive, you couldn’t help the smile the spread across your lips at the sight of it.

“I, uh, I guess I don’t know where I’m going right now… it’s my first time on campus, after all.”

It was your turn to tilt your head to the side in question, mirroring Shiro’s gesture, “What brought the two of you to the university in the first place?”

A soft laugh escaped Shiro’s lips, and it seemed like he couldn’t quite muster up the nerve to catch your gaze, “Commander Holt mentioned he was going to be picking Colleen up. He asked me if I wanted to see what a civilian university looked like, so I tagged along.”

Your eyes widened in surprise. “You’ve never been to a university before?”

Shiro’s cheeks reddened slightly at your incredulous question, like he had just been caught out on an embarrassing secret. He shook his head and cleared his throat, staring straight ahead on the university walk.

The sun had already fully set, and you could just make out the sparse silver-like twinkles of the celestial bodies that hung like age-old adornments in the dark night sky. You heard Shiro take a deep breath beside you, his exhale practically swooshing through him before he answered somewhat breathlessly.

“Have you ever had a dream so impossible that you did absolutely everything possible to make it become even remotely possible?” Shiro suddenly asked you. He was still staring straight ahead, his gaze fixated on the endless night sky between the tall university buildings.

You stared at his side profile and found yourself nodding, slightly dazed as you pondered his words with a critical seriousness to your thoughts.

“Yes,” you murmured, “prediction of the human condition. Mapping the unknown conscience…  _there’s no real method of doing so, but I’m going to figure it out_. That, or I’ll die trying.” You pondered out loud, your tone serious and sincere.

Shiro laughed, the sound reverent and joyful, warming your heart.

“That’s amazing Y/N. I think… I think you can do it. I think you can be great—.”

“Same goes for you,” you interrupted, suddenly flustered at the warm tone Shiro’s voice took on as he spoke to you. You suddenly noticed how he was so incredibly close to you, his arm brushing against yours, and his scent overwhelming your very being. He felt so warm, like a human furnace, right beside you. You gulped and continued speaking, willing away the constricting sensation in your throat as your nervousness threatened to overtake your outwardly calm countenance. “You’re a genius in your own right, Shiro. You’re practically a celebrity. I…  _I can’t believe I’ve even gotten the chance to meet you in person_.”

“I’m not  _that_  special,” Shiro argued weakly, and you felt him turn his body to face you directly. “I’m just an army officer who happens to have a bit more brain than a regular grunt. Combine that with an affinity for adaptability and statistically quick reflexes and dumb luck…  _you get yourself a space exploration pilot-in-training_.”

You finally turned to Shiro, expression conflicted as you wondered whether Shiro was simply being humble, or whether he really thought himself to truly just be…  _lucky_. Before you could think any better of it, you reached out with your hand and squeezed at the towering man’s upper arm. The muscles under your grasp were hard and unyielding, but he was so  _warm_.

Flushing hot in your cheeks at your out-of-place physical contact with Shiro, you nodded jauntily at him. “I think it’s more than just luck, Shiro—.”

“Same goes for you, Y/N.” He interrupted you, his eyebrows raised in silent challenge. When you simply stared up at him in confusion, Shiro continued speaking, his eyes never leaving yours the whole while. “We haven’t known each other long, and this might come off as a little creepy actually, but I’ve admired your work ethic and courage in the face of the unknown for a very long time.”

You gaped at Shiro’s revelation.

“Huh?” You huffed unintelligibly.

A small smile spread over Shiro’s features, lighting his whole countenance up in seconds. “You don’t have to be in the newspapers or on television to be an inspiration, Y/N. You’ve inspired this guy longer than you can even fathom.”

Lost for words, your mouth operated on auto-pilot.

“You’re right,” you admitted breathlessly, “you  _do_  sound creepy.”

Shiro’s smile dropped, and for a second he looked incredibly uncomfortable in the face of your own discomfort. But then you laughed, and his eye sparked with a child-like hope as he appraised your expression for any sign of discomfort in his presence.

“Is… is it okay if I still take you home?” Shiro asked, almost shyly.

Was he allowed to be so attractively adorable? Was this guy even real?

Equally as shy, you nodded. “Sure thing. Thanks.”

You hoped Shiro realised that thanks stood true for both offering to take you home, along with the sincere acknowledgement of his truly encouraging words.


	4. Reputation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Three?! Already??!! LOL, I was supposed to be writing hawt Shiro smut, but the wholesomeness of this fic so far is really appealing to me at the moment! This chapter’s a little bit of a silly one, but now we finally get the ball rolling with actual plot! YAY! Ya’ll were right, the genius power couple, Sam and Colleen Holt are legit playing cupid right now. But even deeper than that, they know that drive and smarts can only get people so far ASKJHGFFGH I’m so excited about sharing more of this fic with you guys!

You couldn’t get the image of Shiro’s timid smile out of your mind. He walked you back to your home almost two weeks ago, and that small wave he sent you before he jogged back down the concrete path towards the security gate of your university subsidised accommodation complex had your heart doing summersaults in your chest.

Rationally, you knew that you were being a complete fool by letting your emotions take you so far as to believing that there was something incredibly special in the way Shiro interacted with you. The wider public, whether Takashi Shirogane liked it or not, knew a lot about various aspects of his life. He was the poster child of the Space Exploration Galaxy Garrison— of course the media would treat him akin to the brightest and most promising of celebrities.

The tabloids often reported on Shiro’s extra-curricular exploits outside the walls of discipline within the garrison. What Shiro did in his spare time, in all honesty, was none of  _anyone’s_ business, and you least of all had any right to judge the young man on how he chose to spend his rare moments of down time.

Still…  _you knew he wasn’t as_ ** _good_** _as he presented himself in front of you_. Those timid waves and shy smiles… those fleeting moments of innocent contact between layers of clothing—  _that meant very little in comparison to some of the more salacious things he had been found doing in the night clubs he semi-regularly attended with his fellow Garrison Officers_.

A hopeful part of you refuted the lingering influence of trashy tabloid rumours on your impression of Shiro. You wanted to believe that Takashi Shirogane was a naive yet utterly genius pilot enrolled in the Space Exploration Program. You wanted to be sure that the fluttery feelings you had for Shiro weren’t completely unfounded.

A huff escaped your lips at your romanticised thoughts.

_Fluttery feelings? Did you even have time for such feelings?_ **_Did he have time for such feelings_ ** _?_

The huff that escaped your lips instantly turned into a forlorn sigh.

“What the hell’s wrong with me?” You spoke out loud to yourself, suddenly afraid to shut your eyes even for a short moment. Every time you close your eyes, your mind’s eye was assaulted with the perpetually replaying image reel of Shiro turning a soft gaze over his shoulder, dapper in his Officer’s Uniform, sending you a gentle wave before jogging off to the main street in the night.

He didn’t have to drop you home.

_Why did he insist on walking with you, side-by-side, with his arm subtly brushing against yours?_

You shook your head and tried to focus on the semester’s final examinations you were sorely attempting to mark while your mind was trying to chase the spastic remnants of Cupid’s love vapours (or something along those lines) out of your muddled mind.

You must have been staring comically hard at the multiple choice sheet in front of you, because Colleen’s unabashed laughter suddenly rang in your ears as she took a seat on your desk. Her ever-present coffee was held comfortably in her grasp as she raised her eyebrows at you in question.

“That bad?” She glanced at the lead coloured ovals on the sheet you were blankly appraising before Colleen interrupted.

You shook your head gently, a little dazed as you tried to regain your bearings “No… I don’t know, actually. I’ve just been staring at this sheet for a few minutes I guess.” You figured answering honestly was your best bet. Colleen would have figured out if you were lying to her anyways— she was a mother, after all.  _She had her ways_.

Colleen frowned “Something on your mind, Y/N?” She asked gently.

Another sigh left your lips as you nodded. Pushing all pretences aside, you pulled away from your desk and turned yourself on your swivel chair so that you were directly facing your research supervisor. For a short moment, you considered excusing yourself for a walk around the campus to clear your mind, but you quickly decided against doing so—  _Colleen could give you some answers to the questions that were whirring in your mind_.

“Colleen,” you started, your voice incredibly quiet in its timidity, “ _I googled Shiro_ —.”

“Oh no,” Colleen’s eyes widened immediately, and she placed her coffee cup down onto your desk. “Oh,  _honey._ ” She shook her head at you, the corners of her lips turning down into a frown.

Your heart ran ice cold, and you assumed the worst.

“It’s all true?” You whispered, hating the way your voice wobbled with unhidden emotion.

Your supervisor shook her head quickly, “No! Not all of it, at least…  _what did you read?_ ” Colleen asked tentatively.

Blinking at her in mutual silence, you took a couple of deep breaths as you fiddled with your fingers on your lap. You didn’t really know where to start. You  _shouldn’t_  have googled Shiro in the first place. What were you? Thirteen? This wasn’t high school anymore; you were an adult and you  _knew better_. This whole episode of doubt upon Shiro was entirely your fault.

“Um,” you began quietly, figuring that you would start with the most disturbing of rumours that created so much cognitive dissonance in your mind that it literally had your head spinning. “Apparently he’s active in the underground cage-fight scene?”

The rumour came out as a question, and you already felt stupid at hearing the words come out of your mouth. Colleen smiled at you sympathetically and shook her head.

“To the best of my knowledge, Shiro’s not involved in any illegal activity. If he is, or ever was, he would  _never_  have been selected to pilot the Kerberos Mission…” Colleen’s voice trailed off at the mention of the mission, her expression slightly put off, before she spooled it back into its concerned and attentive look. “You must had read about his  _extra-curricular_  activities on the weekends too, right?”

Colleen shot you a knowing look as you nodded, heat rising to your cheeks as you continued to grow more and more embarrassed at your doubts towards Shiro’s integrity and personal character. Google was  _evil_. So, so evil.

 _You decided, right there and then, that you were_ ** _never_** _going to trust raw search engine information again_. Of course you definitely should have known better— you were an academic researcher after all. You would never cite ‘google’ as your primary source for credible information.

 _So why was it so important that you got further confirmation from a credible secondary source pertaining to Takashi Shirogane’s true character_?

“Apparently he’s a sex fiend too…” you mumbled, deeply embarrassed for even letting the words out of your mouth.

Colleen actually giggled at your words and immediately brought her hand up to muffle her increasingly warm, yet dorky, laughter.

“Oh, god! You’re so cute—  _I’ve never seen you like this before_!” She leaned forward towards you and placed her free hand on your shoulder, squeezing gently as she looked you right in the eye with her sparking gaze. “Sam was right. You two are most certainly good for each other!” She exclaimed, excitement clear in her tone.

You reared back from Colleen’s hold and blinked up at her in confusion.

“ _What do you mean?_ Professor, I’m not following—.”

Oh…  _but you were_.

You were following very, very clearly.

You were just playing dumb out of pure, unadulterated fear.

Fear of what? Well, you weren’t quite sure yourself.

All you knew was that you weren’t in a position to be catching feelings for  _any_  guy. Let alone a guy who was diligently preparing to blast himself up to space with literally  _half_  of your own professor’s direct family.

Clearing your throat, you tried to salvage a small amount of dignity back about you as you addressed Colleen, “So…  _is he a sex addict_? Is that why he’s always out clubbing on the weekends?”

Colleen burst out into peals of laughter; probably at the serious way your tone inflected up and down as you spoke.

“Gods, you’re so cute Y/N!” Laughter dying down, Colleen smiled down at you “I mean, I can’t confirm nor deny anything about his sex life. I’ve got no information to go by to answer your question there… but if it counts for anything at all, Shiro’s schedule is jam-packed with classes, meetings, training, teaching and volunteering. Between you and me, if he’s getting any action at all, it would probably be entirely up to his partner to get the deed done. Poor guy’s probably too tired by the end to the day to rock someone’s bedroom the way the tabloids say he does _.”_

It was like the entire weight of the world had just been lifted off your shoulders. Colleen’s words successfully pacified you. So Shiro wasn’t a complete  _bad boy_  as the tabloids made him out to be. You suddenly frowned, severely disappointed in yourself.

“Sorry for wasting your time on something so stupid—.”

“No,” Colleen interrupted you gently, “it’s okay. It’s normal. I’m happy you reached out to me for this. As stupid as you think this whole exchange was, I think this was a really good opportunity for your own self-development and personal growth.”

Unable to stop yourself, you raised a questioning brow at your supervisor.

“I don’t get it,” you deadpanned.

Colleen simply smiled and shook her head, humoured exasperation clear on her maturely beautiful features.

“You excel in academics and resilient drive to reach your self-appointed goals, that much is true. But…  _you’re lonely_. And, honestly, Shiro’s the same way. You’re two young people with huge dreams—  _and you’re both so close to achieving those dreams_.”

You licked your lips, feeling your mouth suddenly grow dry at Colleen’s words.

“I… why are you saying all of this?” You asked, though you had a strong feeling that you knew where this whole mini heart-to-heart talk was going.

Colleen finally smiled at you, a wistful sadness in her expression as she raised her hand from your shoulder to tuck an errant strand of your hair behind your ear. The gesture was so…  _motherly_ … it had your heart threatening to explode with warm feelings to gratitude and overwhelming emptiness.

It was true…  _you were lonely_. You just used your research to fill the void.

 _But in time… it wouldn’t be enough—_ ** _even you knew to acknowledge that much_**.

“Y/N… you need a  _friend_. Sam and I have been talking—.” Colleen cut herself off, seemingly attempting to consider how to phrase her next few words to you. She shut her eyes for a short moment and drew in a long breath before returning a soft gaze your way, unthreatening and so full of well-wishes for you that you couldn’t help but internally promise to preemptively trust her words. “I mean, I know it’s not our decision to make, and I’m just pitching this forward to you in case you  _might_  be interested—.”

You couldn’t help but laugh at Colleen’s sudden nervousness, “What is it, professor?”

Colleen smiled thankfully at you, “The Galaxy Garrison have requested a trauma expert to train the Kerberos Squadron on psychologically sound techniques for use in both predicted and unknown worst-case scenarios. It’s a huge ask, and quite frankly it’s not  _my_  area of expertise—.”

You gulped, realisation dawning on you.

“ _It’s mine,_ ”you murmured.

“The dinner was a way to gauge your interactions with the crew in an informal setting. I’m sorry we had to be so secretive about the whole deal. We just…  _there are so many ambitious scientists out there who would do_ ** _anything_** _for the opportunity being offered to you_. I know you’re of sound character, but we had to follow Garrison protocol, and the university also advised that you remain none-the-wiser until we could confirm that the project was a go,” Colleen bit her lip and regarded you with a guarded expression.

All you could do in that moment was laugh.

“That’s so…  _unreal_!” You huffed in amusement. “Does this mean I get to run my own lab at the Garrison?” You asked, the realisation suddenly dawning on you.

You supervisor nodded, “Indeed. Of course, I’ll always be here to assist you if you run into any snags, especially on the statistical side of things,” you scrunched your nose up at Colleen, excitement coursing through your veins at the prospect of being autonomous in your research endeavours.

“My stats aren’t  _that_  bad!”

Colleen snorted at your exclamation, amused to no end.

“You still get confused between  _standard deviation_  and  _standard error of the mean_.” She deadpanned.

Shrugging Colleen’s jests off, you stood from your chair and grinned broadly at your supervisor. Clapping your hands, you couldn’t help but bounce excitedly on your heels.

“The Galaxy Garrison, huh? That’s a big deal!” You sighed wistfully.

Colleen nodded, standing up with you. “Indeed. Even bigger than being published in  _Nature_ , actually. Not many of your age and experience can boast running their own, fully funded lab. You’re on the fast-track to being a pseudo-celebrity yourself. Soon enough, Shiro’s going to be googling you and finding out about your  _wild weekends_!”

Embarrassment was quick to take over your short-lived excitement, and your shoulders slumped with the guilt of having doubted Shiro’s moral character.

“Ugh, I feel so dumb. Shiro didn’t deserve that. He’s a good guy…”

You completely missed the way Colleen’s lips spread into a scheming grin as you studiously stared at you shoes.

“Perhaps you should call him for a casual meet up. I’m sure having this talk with him personally can answer your questions and truly put your doubts to rest. Here,” Colleen handed you a piece of paper with a cell number clearly written on it.

Shiro’s name was written in Colleen’s neat cursive script at the top of the scrap paper.

 _It was his number_.

“What? No! I can’t just—.”

“I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve given him your number too—.”

“But why?!”

“Because he wanted it.” Colleen laughed. “Well, he didn’t ask for it, per se, but he had his own share of questions about you and I figured it would do you both good to actually sit down and ask each other questions to your young hearts’ desires!”

You flushed at your supervisor’s phrasing.

Who was she? Cupid?

“Why are you doing this?” You asked. “I don’t get why you’re so insistent on me being acquainted with Shiro…”

“Because,” Colleen smiled brightly at you, “ _both of you need the companionship_. Now go,” Colleen gestured at the paper that was now in your hand, “call him. I’ll finish up your marking. I’m not taking no for an answer. Besides, it’s Friday evening. Go be a young adult—  _do something fun!_ ”

You let Colleen usher you out of your own office, and watched her shut your own office door on you. You heard her sit down on your chair, and heard her move the chair towards your desk. You heard the shuffles of paper from inside your office, and glanced down at the piece of paper in your hand.

_Takashi Shirogane’s number._

“Wow…” you gasped quietly to yourself. “What…  _this is so weird_.” You sighed, shoulders slumping in defeat.

You let your feet carry you through the university campus, your mind in the clouds as you ran your thumb along the precious piece of paper in your hand. Caught up in a strange cloud of anxiety, you wondered whether it was truly okay for you to call Shiro and initiate a conversation.What would you say to him? Where would you invite him to go?

 _What if he really was all those things the tabloids said he was_? What is he was just good at acting  _good_?

These thoughts whirring in your mind, you continued on your way to your accommodation block, only to be startled out of your reverie by the familiar ring tone of your phone.

Not really thinking too much, you didn’t check the Caller ID as you answered.

“Hello, Y/N speaking—.”

“Hey,” a familiar male voice sounded out on the other end of the line, sounding a little breathless, “it’s Shiro. You free to talk?”


	5. He Dreams of Stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay on Chapter Four! I was enthralled in my smut writing for the past week (?). But I’m back with more of this delightful fic– hope ya’ll are ready to have your perceptions of pre-Kerberos Shiro completely broken LMAO! Idk I like to think he had a lot of growing up to do before he became the soldier we see in the VLD series! These are simply my baseless headcanons in fiction though, so please just humour me LOL!

The diner was full of young couples.

Amongst those young couples sat two awkward science nerds, staring much too intensely at their menus.

Those two awkward science nerds… well…  _that was you and Shiro of course_.

Apart from the stunted greetings you exchange with each other, you and Shiro were yet to acknowledge each other. The silence between the two of you was stifling, and after a few terse moments you opened your mouth to initiate conversation

“Colleen mentioned something interesting today—.”

“ _I promise I’m not how you think I am—!_ ”

You and Shiro paused mid-sentence, both exchanging wide-eyed looks with each other.

Licking your lips, you gestured for Shiro to continued speaking. “And what do you think that I think that you are?” Making a face at your own confusing question, you blinked purposefully at Shiro, “You go first.”

Shiro gulped visibly and nodded, “I’m not what google makes me out to be, I swear.”

The prodigal pilot stared into your eyes with a subtle tone of desperation in his facial expression. You could tell he desperately wanted you to believe his words.

Clearing your throat, you focused on your menu once again and shrugged as you felt yourself slowly beginning to drown in your own embarrassment.  _How did he know you had googled him_?

Had Colleen told him?

Internally, you shook your head. No, Colleen probably told Sam. And in turn, Sam must have texted Shiro.

Because the Holts were so obviously hung up on having you and Shiro be  _friends_  at the very least.

Sipping on your caramel-coffee milkshake, you glanced up at Shiro who sat on the opposite side of the table to you. He leaned his head down over his chocolate milkshake, and surprised you by blowing bubbles  _into_  his milkshake. It didn’t look like he was doing it on purpose; it was a behaviour that happened naturally. It was…  _endearing_.

You pulled away from your own drink and tilted your head to the side, wondering whether you should distract him from whatever reverie he was in to ask him a question you knew most laymen would be dying to ask him. He was sitting right there with you— you might as well take the chance to ask.

“Um, Shiro?” You started off tentatively, your voice soft and non-confrontational.

He immediately looked up at you, a deep happiness reflected in his eyes as he caught your gaze. He paused in his bubble blowing, almost as he had just only realised that perhaps the behaviour could be considered juvenile to some, and shot you a sheepish grin.

“Yeah?” He prompted, his cheeks betraying his calm tone as they grew flushed in temporary embarrassment.

Smiling, you shook your head and gestured to him with your hands, “Why is the media so obsessed with you? There had to be thousands of articles about you online—  _not that I was counting or anything_ ,” you tacked on quickly, averting your gaze with a wince. Shiro didn’t have to know that you were more of a creep than he probably already thought you were for googling him.

Shiro winced in turn and shrugged, taking a small sip of his milkshake before sitting back in his seat. “I don’t really know. Matt thinks it’s because my ex-girlfriend is an idol back in Japan.”

You spluttered, letting go of your straw, knowing full well that you looked about as unattractive as you sounded. Staring at Shiro with wide eyes, you suddenly felt incredibly out of your depth in his presence— more so than usual anyways.

“Wh-  _what_? Your ex is a Japanese super star? Are you originally from Japan? You have such a fluent way with English though—.” You babbled, unbelieving, only to be cut off but Shiro with a choked laugh.

“I shouldn’t have… I said the wrong thing. Um, mom and dad brought me here with them when I was just a year old, so I pretty much grew up speaking English,” he smiled at you and reached forward to play with a folded napkin that had been placed before him when the waitress brought your drinks out almost half an hour ago. “I met Ayumi just before I got recruited for the Garrison. We must have been around fifteen?”

You gawked at Shiro as he revealed the name of his ex.  _Ayumi_.  **The Ayumi**.

Ayumi was the  _face_  of Japanese popular culture. She was on all the ramen packaging, which was apparently a huge deal, and was an endorsement model for brands like Gucci and Adidas. Ayumi was  _out of this world_. And Shiro was going to be going  _out of this world_.

And you?

Well, you were leagues more ordinary then Ayumi and Shiro could ever hope to be.

“Wow… so that song about the tall, dark and handsome guy with the soft voice and the cute smile—?” You cut yourself off, your cheeks growing hot as you just realised you revealed that you thought Shiro’s smile was cute. Gods, how much more awkward could you get? You were seriously about to break your own personal record.

Shiro coughed and scratched the back of his neck, shrugging almost nonchalantly. “I try not to think about it too much. If that’s what her muse wants to sing about, then she can honestly be my guest.” Shiro glanced up at you, “Besides,” his voice dropped into a stage whisper, “we only lasted, like, three months. We went on two dates. One of those dates was me walking her home in the rain because she forgot her umbrella at home, and the other was a study date that I kicked her out from because she wouldn’t sit still and study!” Shiro seemed to frown at the memory, shaking his head as he mentally pushed it back into the deep recesses of his mind.

You blinked at Shiro, mind whirring with all the information you had just received so openly from Takashi Shirogane. “Oh.” You murmured, unable to form real words for a few moments.

“Yeah…” Shiro tacked on awkwardly. To add to the odd atmosphere surrounding the two of you, Shiro tried to sip some more of his barely there milkshake. The slurping sound was thunderous at your table, and Shiro almost dropped his glass, looking extremely out of his element. “Ah, shit! I mean…  _Y/N I’m so sorry_!” He suddenly apologised, his expression full of remorse.

You sputtered, leaning forward in your desperate attempt to acquiesce Shiro’s worries, “N-no! It’s fine, why are you sorry? Stop apologising for things that aren’t even your fault, jeez!” You laughed nervously, looking anywhere but at Shiro.

 _Gods, why were you here_?

‘I’m sorry. I mean, thank you. I mean… ugh.” Shiro’s shoulders slumped, and you seriously began to consider how the tabloids even managed to bring fire to the rumour surrounding Shiro’s sexual prowess in the bedroom.

As handsome and smart as he was, Takashi Shirogane was literally floundering in front of you with the small remaining vestiges of his almost non-existent dignity. You were so confused in that moment. In all honesty, you had no idea what was going on.

“Shiro?” You prompted tentatively, your nerves dying down as you quickly realised you were probably the more composed of the two of you. Funny.

Shiro shot you a rather embarrassed look, and you were pleased to see that his cheeks were tinted a sweet pink. Gods, he was adorable. Perfectly handsome, a complete adonis, and a complete and utter dork.

“Have you ever had a dream, Y/N?” Shiro suddenly asked, his gaze curious. It was clear he was trying to distract you from his cute, yet odd, blunder a few moments ago.

You nodded, “I have had many dreams. I don’t always remember them—.”

Shiro cut you off, a genuinely amused laugh escaping his lips, “Not like that—  _I mean an almost unrealistic goal that you’ve always wanted to work towards_?” He clarified.

You nodded again.

Shiro nodded back at you, a small smile on his lips as his expression grew wistful. “When I was little, I wanted to play among the stars. You know, like that song?”

Your eyes widened at Shiro’s rhetoric question.

You knew the song.  _Who didn’t know the song_?

“ _Fly me to the moon, and let me play among the stars… Show me what the sun is like on Jupiter and Mars…_ ” you said, your tone taking on a sing-song like quality. Shiro met your gaze and nodded, looking almost satisfied with your singing efforts.

“That’s the one! My grandfather used to sing it to me a lot when I was growing up. He said it was my grandmother’s favourite song,” Shiro sighed suddenly and shook his head sadly.

Leaning forward onto the table with your elbows, you tilted your head in inquiry, “You don’t have to say anything more if it’s painful.” Your question didn’t quite come out as planned. You wanted to ask Shiro about his grandmother. You wanted to ask him if she had passed on; just to confirm your hunch.

But you didn’t.

“No, it’s okay! I guess, long story short, grandfatheralways regretted not being able to show grandmother the stars. They always lived in Tokyo, and before grandmother could take some time off to go to the countryside…  _it all kind of ended for her_.” Shiro sighed sadly. “I wanted to make grandfather’s dreams come true. I want to be among the stars and then be able to tell grandmother about them—.” Shiro suddenly stopped speaking and grinned at you bashfully. “I hope you’re not getting bored. My motivations behind going to space aren’t the most compelling, I have to admit.”

You shook your head and smiled, “No. Trust me; it’s admirable. They’d be proud of you,  _Takashi_.”

“Wow,” Shiro grinned suddenly, “it’s been a while since someone outside of my family’s called me that.”

Biting the inside of your lip, you sincerely hoped that you didn’t over-step some unsaid boundary. “Sorry—.”

“Stop apologising for things that aren’t even your fault!” Shiro grinned wider, though he was still fiddling nervously with his napkin. You couldn’t help but good-naturedly roll your eyes as you evidently grew calmer in Shiro’s presence.

Something about knowing he was just as uncertain and giddy to be in your presences as you were in his eased your mind immensely. It was like the both of you were on solid, even ground.

“Oh, shut up!” You quipped. Smile still plastered on your lips, you shook your head and rubbed your fingertip along the edge of your milkshake glass. Taking a few moments to gather yourself, you glanced up at Shiro from beneath your eyelashes and blinked slowly. “I think it’s sweet. Your reasons for pioneering the first flight to Kerberos with the Holts is incredibly  _pure_. There’s no other word to describe it, really…”

“I mean,” Shiro suddenly sat up straight and faced you, his dark grey eyes lighting up with an enthusiasm you noted for the first time since meeting him, “it’s not only just about my grandparents. They were just the beginning, you know? They propelled my childhood goals. Now, as an adult, I guess I’m pretty interested in knowing more about the universe. I want to be the best, you know?” He admitted, and you could see the fire of competitive passion alight in his gaze.

You nodded, speechless at his sudden change in demeanour.

It was then that you realised you never really sat down with Shiro to have a  _real_  conversation. This was the first time you were both talking about  _him_  rather than  _you_. It truly was a milestone in your young friendship.

 _Friendship_.

The word made you smile.

“I’ve worked really hard, for a really long time, to get to where I am now. I just need to work a little harder for a little longer before I’m where I want to be,” Shiro looked out the booth’s window and gazed up at the sparse smattering of stars he could see through the glass. You looked away, feeling very much like you were intruding on a private moment of his. “Commander Holt says we’re very much alike,” Shiro addressed you.

You slowly turned your gaze back to Shiro and shrugged, “I’m not so sure. I’m just someone who wants to be able to read minds. I think my fear of the unpredictable drives me forward. My fear of being unable to help motivates me. I’m still just a student, but I’ll take the opportunities I can get and blaze a slow path towards all of humanity’s dreams of mastering the inner workings of the human mind.” You found yourself smiling, eye glazed over in thought, not quite seeing Shiro in front of you as you got caught up in your own racing stream of consciousness. “Perhaps the secrets of the universe remain locked within the deepest, most intricate working mechanisms of our minds? It’s an exciting, yet scary thought. By studying fear, and the effects of trauma on the human mind, I think I can push boundaries that none have dared to do so in the past. I’m not sure how that holds on an ethical standpoint but… it’s just a research proposal after all.”

You caught Shiro staring at you with a knowing glint in his eyes as he nodded along to what you were saying. Surely he didn’t truly understand the scope of your thoughts and what they meant for the future of trauma-informed psychological research?

“You’re right— it sounds terrifying. You’re brave to have the drive to delve into such a complex subject matter.” Shiro suddenly laughed, and you loathed to admit it startled you a little from how unexpected it was. “Here I am, running away from the real questions. I guess I’m truly an escapist…” he mused, mostly to himself.

Humouring Shiro, you nodded before you lifted your glass to finish off your own milkshake.

“I guess we’re on completely different ends of the scientific spectrum huh? I’m delving into the human cognition, and you’re out searching for things greater than our current universal knowledge itself. I think that’s pretty neat,” you smiled.

Shiro nodded, realisation dawning on his face. “Yeah… that’s actually pretty awesome. Hey, uh… we should totally do this again,” seeing the look of hesitation on your expression, Shiro continued hastily, “I promise I will be cooler next time. I just needed to clear the air about my ‘rep’ tonight, and I guess I was nervous.” He admitted, clearly embarrassed.

You frowned, “I don’t get it. Why would  _you_  be nervous around  _me_? I’m just a research student—.”

Shiro interrupted you, his voice growing quiet and serious. “You’re really cool, you know? I feel like you  _get me_. We’re not too different from each other, Y/N. We both have dreams, and we’re both working hard to see them come to fruition.” He smiled at you, eyes shining with an open honesty and hope that had your heart thudding with emotion at the base of your throat. “It would be nice to have you as a friend.”

He said it.

He actually came out and said it.

 _He wanted to be your friend_.

Nervous out of your mind, you could only nod.

He raised his eyebrows at you, “Is it okay if we’re friends? Like, properly? I mean, you survived my  awkwardness and my tangents. Usually this stuff makes people turn and run the other way,” Shiro laughed, though it was quiet with a tinge of hurt. “I guess people kind of have this awesome perception of me where I’m all perfect or something. That’s not the case, as you can see. Are you willing to be friends with someone like me?”

The way he asked you that question sounded like he just offered up his soul to you. He sounded vulnerable, and truly ready to abort his mission if you even remotely looked like you were going to say something insensitive or hurtful.

 _Just how many failed friendships did Takashi Shirogane live through_?

You found yourself nodding as your voice formed syllables on autopilot.

“Of course.  _It would be an honour to be your friend, if you would be mine._ ”

The smile Shiro gave you as he nodded made you feel giddy.

It had been a while since you had anyone to truly call your friend other than Professor Colleen Holt.

Perhaps Colleen was right?

 _Maybe you did need his company; it was clear he wanted yours in some capacity_.

“It would be an absolute honour to call you a friend of mine, Y/N.” Shiro averted his gaze suddenly and coughed into his palm, “We should do this often. It was nice to talk to someone about this stuff in a less than professional scope. Makes me feel my age, in a sense.”

You nodded, completely understanding as you felt the same way.

“Sure. Sounds fun, Shiro.”

He looked up at you and smiled again.

 _Gods_ , you thought to yourself as alarm bells faintly rang in your mind,  _he has a cute smile_.


	6. New Beginnings- Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a pretty absurd chapter that jumps between a few events to get to where I want all the relevant characters to be lmao! Warning: more flustered Shiro and more pining Reader ahead! Matt and Pidge are little shits, and Sam and Colleen are super in love with each other dawwww! I also realise this is pretty canon-divergent (duh Moosh lol), BUT ON WITH THE STORY! :D I'm so excited; soon I get to start writing Reader in her new role at the Garrison ajhvsjvsaca!!!!
> 
> Find me on tumblr: mooshinspace.tumblr.com :)

Since your meeting with Shiro at the diner, you couldn’t stop smiling at the thought that the two of you were officially friends. It was an exciting prospect for you; a lone-wolf of a nerd who barely had the time to engage in what would be considered as normal young adult recreational social activities.

It was a relief that Shiro refuted the rumours that were posted all over the internet about his apparently  _questionable character_. Being the irrevocably curious mind you were, you dug deeper into the internet and found some not so nice articles about Shiro’s apparently  _cheating of the military systems_  in a bid to gain his reputation as the best pilot the Garrison ever produced.

You thought back to the dorky and determined Shiro you shared milkshakes with a few days ago and shook your head in disbelief. Online media was rough.

“Y/N, how’s the packing going?” Colleen called to you from the door frame of your little office. You looked up from your computer screen and smiled at your supervisor, fully aware of her conflicted feelings about you heading off to the Galaxy Garrison the following week. You and Colleen had completed a telephone conference earlier that week on Monday with Commander Iverson, the man in charge of the Garrison and its research facilities. You were given the all clear, and your duties and expectations were all outlined to you over the call.

You were going to be filing the role of guidance counsellor, as well as teaching all psychology elective units at the Garrison. You were also expected to run at least four to six studies per year at the facility, and assist in preparations for all field missions. In addition to these duties, you would be scoring personality scores for new applicants into the Space Program.

In all honesty, the role sounded incredibly full on. You weren’t sure you would be able to do it.

Colleen, however, had full confidence in you. She even said as much to Commander Iverson at the conclusion of the call.

“It’s practically done. Most of my data’s all in my portable hard drive anyways. I barely have anything printed on paper,” you shot Colleen a wry smile, knowing that having hard copies of  _everything_  she ever read or wrote was key to her academic style.

“Right,” Colleen smiled at you, though her eyes watered with emotion, “well, just remember we’ve got some statistics to run before you head home. You’ve got a few days off so that you can begin your move to the Garrison and settle in. You start on Monday, right?”

You nodded, your own eyes misting over as the reality of the situation finally began to dawn on you, “Yeah, I mean… you would know, you were there with me when Iverson told us.”

Colleen laughed at you, the sound quieter than her usual rambunctious humour, “Cheeky. I’ll let you get back to it now—.”

“I’m going to miss you, Professor.” Your voice wavered as you spoke. You could already feel the ache of letting go in your chest. Colleen was like… your academic mother in a sense. Leaving her protective nest for a taste of the wider world was both thrilling and extremely scary at the same time. In all honestly, you weren’t sure if you could do it without her. “Can’t you come with me?” You asked, forgetting your professional persona. You looked up at Colleen, eyes wide and imploring as you took in her own softening expression at your inquiry.

“Who’s going to run my lab over here?” Colleen laughed again, though it sounded more watery than the last time. “Besides, you’re ready for this Y/N.  _You are one of the most brilliant minds I have ever had the pleasure to get to know_. And that’s big coming from me— I’m married to Commander Samuel Holt; possibly one of the most brilliant men in existence!”

Your heart warmed as you immediately noticed the way Colleen spoke of her husband with such genuine awe. Even after all those years of marriage, it was clear that Colleen was still utterly smitten with Samuel.

“I just don’t want to let you down. You’re my role model, my guru, my professor… you’re practically everything I know. _”_

Colleen suddenly stepped forward into your office, and in a blur of movement, you found yourself engulfed in her warm scented perfume and gentle yet firm hold. “Don’t you worry,” Colleen murmured shakily, holding you close as you crumbled in her grasp, “you’re going to shine brighter than anything you can even imagine. Y/N…  _you were born to be great_.  **So go; be great**.”

You cuddled in closer to Colleen and nodded, the words embedding themselves into your mind to stay forever.

“Okay. I won’t let you down.”

* * *

Statistics completed and packing all finished, you found yourself engulfed in one of Colleen’s warm hugs once more that later afternoon.

“I can’t let you go like this,” Colleen huffed, in control of her emotions for the most part. She pulled away from you and held you by the shoulders, her honey brown eyes staring intensely into your own. She suddenly smiled, “Do you have any plans for this evening?” She asked.

You shook your head, “Other than watching Netlflix and having some left overs for dinner, not really.”

“Great,” Colleen squeezed your shoulders in excitement and let go, “I’ll let Sam know he’s driving three home tonight!”

Your eyes widened, “What?!”

* * *

“Is Y/N staying for dinner?!” Katie’s voice sounded incredibly loud in your left ear as she turned in her seat and grinned at you. At that very moment, you found yourself in the spacious back seat of the Holts’ family car. To your absolute mortification, Sam had instructed Shiro to drive Matt home on his hover bike, as there wasn’t going to be enough room for every passenger in his car back to his family home.

“Oh, I can’t impose further than I already have—!” You tried to wheedle your way out of another family dinner, only to be cut off by a soft glare from your professor.

“Nonsense, Y/N! Think of this as a farewell dinner—.”

“Or a welcome to the Garrison dinner!” Sam chimed in, cutting Colleen off. Your professor giggled and reached over to smack Sam’s arm in jest, and Katie fake gagged beside you.

“Ugh, they’re so gross sometimes.” But Katie looked content as she scooted even closer to your side. You wondered why the kid was so keen on being close to you. Colleen seemed to sense your discomfort from the front seat as she spoke up to address her daughter.

“Katie, give Y/N some room back there!” Colleen turned to you and shot you an apologetic look, “She seemed to really connect with you when you came over that first time. I hope you don’t mind?”

You immediately shook your head and gently grasped Katie’s smaller hand in yours, “Of course not! We’re friends, right?” The statement came out of your mouth easily as you turned to Katie and winked at her. You were startled by the bright smile that met your gaze.

“Y-yes! Friends!” Katie agreed, incredibly enthusiastic. “I don’t have many friends at school. They call me  _nerd_  and stuff. It’s not that fun. But I want to get into the Garrison with Matt and Dad. To get in, you need to be super smart and stuff. I bet you’re super smart too—  _you’re going to be a teacher there or something, right_?”

You gawked at the small girl beside you, as cute as a button, and reached over to boop her nose. “Where’d you hear that, kiddo?”

Sam laughed suddenly, sounding incredibly guilty. “I might have mentioned it a few times over this week during dinner. I’m just thrilled that we’ll finally have a trauma expert on staff. Above everything, we’re a military base. I’m incredibly surprised we never invested in an expert as opposed to the run-of-the-mill clinical psychologists currently on base— _no offence darling_ ,” Sam tacked on, sounding incredibly sheepish, as he glanced at Colleen in the passenger’s seat.

Your supervisor simply huffed and shrugged, “No offence taken. No dessert for you either.”

“Oh, honey no!” Sam complained immediately. “I didn’t mean it like that!  _You’re making brownies_!”

Katie nudged you and giggled, “They’re so weird.”

You nodded, grinning yourself at the wholesome family atmosphere. It was strange… you felt like you  _belonged_.

“Totally.”

* * *

You were seated in Katie’s room, at her study table, watching her do her homework (because in all honesty the girl was a genius and didn’t really need help with her work at all) when a thunderous motor sounded and died off in the front yard of the Holt residence. Alarmed, you jolted in your seat, and Katie watched you sympathetically.

“Ah, Shiro’s hover bike. Did you know he’s the best pilot at the Garrison? He’s a legend, and he lives here! So cool!” Katie grinned at you before turning back to her books. You spared her an amused glance before standing to take your leave.

“I should probably head down now. Are you sure you don’t need any help with your work?” You asked, just in case Katie changed her mind. You chose play dumb about Shiro with Katie, seeing as the girl seemed just as enthusiastic as her parents about you being closer with the prodigal pilot.

She shook her head, her movements confident. “Absolutely certain! I’ll head down when dinner’s ready. Besides, I think Dad and Shiro want to talk with you about new recruits or something. I want to be old enough to go to the Garrison… they do the coolest things there, and their satellite coding program is  _out of this world_!” Katie flew off on a tangent, her eyes sparking brightly with knowledge that was typically beyond girls her age.

Then again, nothing about the Holt family was  _typical_. The were truly a family of kind hearted geniuses.

“Okay, but holler if you need anything, okay?”

Katie nodded, “Will do!”

With that settled, you shuffled out of Katie’s room and out into the hallway. After passing by a series of doors, you almost ran into none other than Takashi Shirogane at the top of the stairs. His eyes were comically wide as he realised who it was he almost barrelled into, and…  _was that a blush on his cheeks_?

“O-oh, hey Y/N! Staying for dinner?” He cleared his throat, tilting his head in question.

Was he doing that on purpose?

 _Was he trying to make your heart flutter_?

You shrugged, “I don’t know yet. Colleen seems insistent on it…”

“You’re staying,” another familiar male voice piped up from behind Shiro. It had to be Matt.

You stepped backwards to allow Shiro up and off the stairs. You held your breath as he walked past you to allow Matt up as well. Still, when you began to breathe as normal again, Shiro’s sweet and warm cologne sent tingles up your spine.

 _Gods why were you like this_?

“Wh-what? I never confirmed anything!” You sputtered, deciding quickly that focusing on Matt was probably the wisest choice for you in that very moment.

Matt raised an eyebrow at you and gestured with a flick of his head down the stairs. “You think my mom’s going to let you waltz out that door without a single piece of pasta in your stomach?”

You blinked at Matt and considered his question before letting out a defeated sigh. Shoulders deflating, you shook your head. “You’re right. I guess I’m going to be here a while.”

“Is it really that bad? You make it sound bad.” Shiro laughed, though the sound was quieter than you had grown accustomed to during your milkshake date with him—.

 _Wait_ …  **milkshake date _._**

You shook your head and shut your eyes tight, willing the phrase to leave your mind as you grew unnecessarily flustered.  _It wasn’t a date_! It was just a meeting between two new friends, who spoke about cool things and shared each other’s personal dreams over… nice, yummy milkshakes.

“Y/N’s spacing out…” Matt murmured quietly, presumably to Shiro.

Shiro, bless his soul, was immediately concerned.

“You’ve been working too hard. This is like the time at the coffee cart at the university! Have you been taking regular breaks from your desk? You know a tired mind seldom yields positive outcomes. When you’re settled at the Garrison, I’ll help you with a timetable—.”

Your eyes grew wider and wider with every word that left Shiro’s mouth. He sounded so  _protective_ of you. He sounded like he had already taken full responsibility over you, and that wasn’t something you were opposed to at all. It felt kind of nice, really. Almost like…  _you were on your way to another nest_.

Sure, you wouldn’t have immediate access to Colleen anymore—  _and that was still devastating no matter how you thought of it_. But… you would have Shiro.

 _You would have your friend_.

“Dude, chill. You’re bombarding Y/N. Let’s get washed up for dinner Shiro. Y/N, mom and dad are being all gross down stairs so you’re probably going to want to hang out up here for a bit.” Matt grinned at you. “Pidge, I mean Katie, is probably busy with her homework right now…  _you can hang out in Shiro’s room for a bit_!”

You watched Shiro’s jaw drop at Matt’s offer to you, “Fuck you man…” he growled under his breath.

You blinked at the two, realising that you were witnessing a first hand squabble between Takashi Shirogane and Matthew Holt. You weren’t sure whether you were supposed to be concerned or morbidly curious to see more conflict.

“What?” Matt grinned, “I’m just trying to keep the lady comfortable. Besides, she is your  _friend_ , hmm?” The way Matt intoned the word friend had you thinking there was some kind of double meaning to the word.

Or perhaps, that was just your juvenile romanticist mind hoping for the best…

 _What_?

You shook your head and raised your hands up in the universal gesture for surrender. “Calm down, I’ll just take a nap on Katie’s bed or something—.”

“No!” Shiro interrupted you abruptly, eyes comically wide once more as his cheeks flushed a deeper pink. Gods…  _could he be any cuter_? “Don’t disturb her. I, um… I’ve got books and stuff in my room that you can read. I, uh… just keep the door open so no one thinks anything weird’s going on—.”

“And why,” Matt smirked saucily at Shiro with his arms crossed over his chest, “would anyone in this household think anything  _weird_  is going on in your room, sir?”

Shiro actually groaned, his ears a brilliant red in his embarrassment. Oh gods… the poor guy…

“I don’t…  _ugh_! Damn it, Y/N just relax in my room. I’m gonna get my clothes, have a shower, and just…  _ugh!”_ Shiro actually surprised you as he threw his hands up into the air in exasperation before stomping off to his room. Matt laughed and gestured for you to follow him. Too curious to see an infuriated Shiro, you followed the buff soldier into his room.

Your eyes widened the moment you stepped into Shiro’s personal space to call his own within the Holt residence.

 _You never would have guess that_ ** _this_** _was Takashi Shirogane’s room_ …


	7. New Beginnings- Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some painful angsty moments ahead where self-loathe and anxiety comes into play. We can't have a herione without a fatal flaw, after all, right? *hides away from the rotten tomatoes to be thrown my way* Don't worry though, it's legit all in Reader's head and the mutual pining is real.
> 
> Find me on tumblr: blackpaladinarchive.tumblr.come (yeh i changed my url haha)

There were glow in the dark stars on his ceiling.

“I like those,” you said, for lack of anything better to say.

Shiro glanced at you over his shoulder, and you noticed how his ears were tipped with a hot blushing red. “Thanks. Matt got them for Katie, but she wasn’t keen on them. So I thought I’d use them. They’re pretty neat… and yeah.”

You nodded and stood just inside Shiro’s door, wondering whether it was too late to throw yourself down and across the hall back to Katie’s room. The situation you currently found yourself in was honestly much too awkward to describe with words.

Shiro cleared his throat lightly, but that sound was enough for you to jolt rather violently back to attention. Your head whipped around to take in Shiro’s larger than life form standing beside his tallboy, a perplexed blush receding from his cheeks. His usually neatly set bangs fell messily upon his forehead, and you couldn’t help but think that Shiro suited the  _just woke up_  look very much.

Of course, he hadn’t just woken up—  _he was just coming down from a mountain of embarrassment gifted to him by none other than Matthew Holt_. And you were accomplice to this embarrassment by being present in Takashi Shirogane’s room.

“Um…” you sighed and shrugged. “I’m sorry about this. We barely know each other, and I’m already in your room. You probably feel really violated right now—.”

“No,” Shiro shook his head, his mouth suddenly doing a weird thing where it made him look like he was attempting to perform a really bad impression of a fresh water fish. “It’s cool.” He said, sounding much too uptight for you to believe his statement.

“You sure?” You couldn’t help but further confirm. You raised your eyebrow at Shiro in question and waited for him to tell you to get out of his room. Honestly, you had never felt so awkward in your life. “If that’s the case,” you pushed on into the silence, unable to take the awkwardness between yourself and Shiro, “I’ll just, uh, take a short nap?”

You had intended to voice your intentions of resting on Shiro’s bed, but it ended up coming out of your mouth as a question. Still, you went with it and watched Shiro carefully for any signs of disagreement.

He nodded at you, “Good plan. I’ll, uh…  _I’ll be back soon_. I hope it’s okay that I haven’t change the sheets in a few days…” Shiro’s cheeks tinged pink once again. “Shit, I didn’t have to say that…  _why did I say that_?”

“I don’t know… either way; go shower, Shirogane,” you couldn’t help but laugh at how flustered Shiro was with you in his room. Then again, you could feel your cheeks burning under his flustered attention, and you knew that you weren’t doing any better than he was in the current situation.

You shuffled around Shiro, deciding to ignore the uncomfortably thirty seconds that had passed between the two of you as you tried to figure out who was going left, and who was going right. Once you had quietly perched yourself down upon Shiro’s bed ( _oh my god,_  you spazzed out internally _, I’m on a hot soldier-pilot-dude’s bed_ ), your raised your gaze just in time to watch Shiro’s fine ass make its way down the hall and into the bathroom.

_He was going to have a shower…_

**_To have a shower, he had to get naked—_ **

“Oh gods,” you chastised yourself, shutting your eyes and violently shaking your head from side to side in vehement abhorrence of your own train of thought, “what the hell am I thinking? Oh gods, I’m in his room. Oh gods, this is like getting to second base, but without any of the spicy stuff happening—.”

“You want the spicy stuff to happen?” Matt’s voice rang out from inside his room next to Shiro’s. The sound was muffled with Matt’s door shut. Nonetheless, you let out a short shriek, which immediately got you chastised by Katie down the hall.

“Shut up! I’m trying to hack the cable programming guide for Nickelodeon!”

You raised your eyebrows, mortification still in effect, but dampening down as you focused on Katie’s exclamation. “Wh- _what_? I thought you were doing homework!” You frowned and added on as an afterthought, “You can hack?”

Matt’s door opened, and you blinked at him as he easily made his way into Shiro’s room, hands in his pockets and smug grin on his face. “Pidge is the  _best_  when it comes to computers. She doesn’t quite know as much as me yet, but she’s getting there.” A fond smile overtook Matt’s features, “I have the coolest little sister.”

You nodded in agreement, “You really do. Are you allowed to be in here?”

Matt blanched at your question and waved you off, quickly moving to pull Shiro’s desk chair up before taking a seat on it. He hugged the back rest to his chest and rested his cheek over the top of it as he looked at you with gentle consideration.

“Of course I’m allowed in here,” he didn’t sound too sure of that fact, but you didn’t have time to pull him up on his tone of voice as he continued on with what he was going to say to you. “Shiro’s been talking about you a lot.”

Your heart leapt to your throat and thudded there at Matt’s frank words.

“Probably because I’ll be started at the Garrison in a few days,” you reasoned with the honey brown haired young man.

His lips curved up into a small grin as he shook his head at you. “Aren’t you a psychologist? Shouldn’t you know how to read human intentions or something?” He asked.

Your mind slowly started to grow at ease as Matt introduced a familiar topic of debate into the conversation. You shook your head at Matt and made a face as your tone began to border on indignant the more you spoke. “As much as I had previously hoped that popular misconception to be true, I’m afraid that’s not the case! If I could read the minds of others, and garner their intentions with other people, I would be regarded as a God.”

Matt blinked at you, and then nodded.

“Right… so you  _can’t_  read minds. Gotcha!” He shot finger guns at you, and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes in amusement. “But back to our original topic—  _I think Shiro’s got the hots for you_!”

“ **I do not!** ”

Your eyes immediately darted upwards from Matt’s seated position to over his shoulder. You focused in on the towel-clad half naked perfect specimen of a soldier standing in the doorway of his own room.

 _Lords have mercy…_ there stood a freshly showered Takashi Shirogane with rivulets of water still slowly making their way down the chiseled planes of his beautifully conditioned upper body. You couldn’t stop yourself from automatically darting your tongue out to lick your much-too-dry lips at the sight.

And then you realised what you did. And what you were doing. And where you were. And what you were looking at…

_No… not_ **_what_ ** _… more like WHO you were staring at like he was a piece of meat._

The scream left your mouth before you knew what your vocal chords were doing.

Matt harmonised beautifully with you as he let out his own startled scream alongside you.

Shiro cried out in shock and stomped into his room, which had your breath hitching rather violently. Gods, it he came any closer to you, it would be the end of you. You would be done and dusted. Finished. Dead by cause of extreme thirst.

_Jeez, what the hell was wrong with you? You, an intellectual, caving into defeat at the mere sight of deliciously defined abs…_

“I’m so sorry! I’m  _so_  sorry! You’re naked. Oh my god, you’re  _naked_!” You wailed at Shiro, hands covering your impossibly hot face.

At the same time, Matt screamed “Shiro, I swear I didn’t steal from your chocolate stash! I was just talking to Y/N, I promise!”

Pidge seemed to join in on the fun at some stage, causing you some extreme any as she seemed completely unaffected by the presence of the gorgeous half-naked Shiro in the room. “ _I told you all to shut up, I’m trying to concentrate_!”

You wanted the floor to swallow you up, and spit you out onto the side walk right then and there.  _And to think Takashi Shirogane was going to be your direct supervisor at the Garrison Facility…_

Gosh, you were  **screwed**.

* * *

“Y/N’s still all flushed,” Katie pointed out during dinner as you reached over her slightly to grab some roast sweet potato. You turned your gaze to the youngest at the table and shot her a warning glare.

Colleen giggled from beside Sam and shot you a knowing look, her eyes flicking over to Shiro briefly. He looked  _way_  too interested in stacking his carrot slices into a tower on his plate. His ears were still tinged pink, and his hair still looked adorably tousled.

“Stop teasing them sweetie, everyone was just startled by the multiple events that were unfolding all at the same time!” Colleen grinned and speared a potato with her fork before popping it into her mouth. “Mmmm,” she chewed and swallowed indulgently, “I’m  _so_  glad we could all get together like this again!”

Sam nodded from beside her, though he looked just about ready to burst into violent laughter as he continued to sneak glances at his genius pilot seated right across from him. “This is  _delightful_ indeed, dear. Matt, pass me the peas please?”

Matt reached out to grab the peas, only to retract his hand really quickly when Shiro glanced up to glare at him. You could practically  _feel_  Katie rolling her eyes at everyone on the table as she reached out in Matt’s stead to pass the requested peas to her father.

You chewed on the meat you had just placed into your mouth and timidly glanced Shiro’s way, shoulders relaxing when you realised that Shiro was once again staring at the contents of his plate with incredibly focus and concentration. His exclamation upstairs just before all the ruckus began rang clear in your head.

 _I do not_.

 **I do not like Y/N**.  _I do not have the hots for Y/N_.

That’s what he meant by his statement. There was no other way to interpret his words. The words could not mean anything else.

Sure, you knew you were well below Takashi Shirogane’s standards. After all, he had dated the one and only Japanese pop sensation, Ayumi Ito, only a mere few years ago. No man would so easily forget to compare any future woman they meet against the gold standard that was the pop goddess.

You sighed, and felt your shoulders droop with the heavy weight of disappointment. What were you thinking, believing for even a moment that the great Shiro could ever want to be anything more that  _friends_  with someone like you?

You, an average young woman with very little notable achievements. A regular academic thrown right into the rat race, destined to be drowned out by better and much more charismatic, influential minds… that was who you were.

“— the Garrison?”

“Y/N?”

You blinked, head shooting up at the sound of your name. You locked eyes with Colleen, and she shot you an amused, yet slightly concerned look.

“ _Huh_?” You gasped, unable to hide the startle in your tone.

“She’s probably thinking about Shiro’s chiseled abs—  _ouch, Shiro_!” Matt suddenly groaned, reaching down under the table to rub at his shin. You didn’t dare look Shiro’s way, but he had most certainly just kicked Matt under the table in a bid to shut him up. He was probably embarrassed about everyone knowing that you had seen him in such a vulnerable state.

_Like you were ever even worthy of seeing those beautiful abs…_

“N-no, I’m just…  _I’m just tired_.” You sighed, sounding absolutely pathetic.

“You’ve worked really hard this week Y/N. We wrapped up four studies this week, and completed all our statistics on the data collected. That’s a lot of work, sweetie.” Colleen reached over to you and placed her hand over your own.

It felt warm.

Would it feel warm at the Garrison? Who would hold your hand like this if you needed it like you did now, and so many times before? Colleen wouldn’t be there.

_You were on your own._

After tonight, after leaving the Holt residence, you would truly be on your own.

You ruined your only friendship by allowing yourself into a messy situation, and Shiro was going to grow to resent your presence at the Garrison in due time.  _You just knew it_.

The pressure at your eyes grew and grew, and your vision grew blurry as the unstoppable tears gathered at the bottom of your eyes. When they spilled over, you barely heard the concerned voices around you as your whole world spun around you.

You couldn’t tell up from down. You couldn’t tell left from right.

 _You messed up_.

“Y/N! Oh sweetie, it’s been so long since this has happened… it’s been such a stressful week for you, hasn’t it?” Colleen’s sweet and caring voice cut through the whirling thoughts and emotions fighting for dominance in your mind. Your heart felt heavy, and you just wanted to fall into bed and escape into a dreamland that could consume you whole.

Colleen’s hand was on your own, and then you heard Matt from across the table.

“Is… Y/N having an anxiety attack?” His voice was hushed, and you couldn’t locate him because your eyes were shut tight and you were just trying to  _breathe_. In and out. In and out. You just needed to keep breathing, deep in, and right back out.

“Mom?” Katie’s voice sounded so small beside you, and you felt her warm hand rubbing small comforting circles on your shoulder. “Can’t Y/N sleep over? I don’t want her going home by herself, please?”

You wanted to decline the young girl’s selflessly generous offer, despite the way your heart swelled in gratitude. Alas, you didn’t have the energy for such a feat.

Your breath continued to hitch, but it was controllable now.

_Gods, Shiro saw all of that…_

**He probably thought you were such a loser now.**

“… hey. Come on,” it was  _his_  voice. It was Shiro.

When did he arrive next to you?

“H-huh?” You gasped shakily again, for lack of any coherent words.

A warm hand rested across the middle of your back, a solid presence that almost made you hate yourself as you melted into the touch. What the hell was wrong with you? You barely knew the guy?

_Why were you so smitten with a guy who was blasting himself off to a moon you couldn’t remember the name of again?_

You tried to remain bitter.

You tried to keep the wall up.

You couldn’t hold even a small flame to Ayumi Ito, Shiro’s ex girlfriend.

“Come on, I knew you looked tired. You should get some rest. I’ll bring you to a bed, okay?” Shiro’s voice was soft, and low, and so painfully gentle.

You wanted to say no.

You wanted to say you could do it yourself.

Gods, you were supposed to be able to do things yourself. You were supposed to be strong all on your own.

 _You weren’t supposed to let people in._  It was why you had no real friends your age.

“Okay…  _thank you_.” Your mouth moved before your brain could tell you to stop.

You let Shiro help you.

 _You let him in_.

Even when… you weren’t sure if you were worth the effort in the first place.


	8. Warmth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gooooosh this slooooowww burrrrrrnnnnn! *evil grins* :D Plot's going to start getting a little more fast paced after this update, so hope ya'll are ready to be bombarded with stuff! :D
> 
> Find me at: blackpaladinarchive.tumblr.com <3

_He leaned against the doorframe, his muscles flexing as he distributed his weight elegantly against the hard surface. You gulped and stared at him, unashamed, taking in the deep ridges that defined his incredibly musculature. It was all yours. He… was all yours._

_“You’re looking at me in that way again,” Shiro said, smirk tugging up at the corners of his lips as he regarded you with a half-lidded expression. His towel hung low on his hips, fastened so loosely that any sudden movement could have it unravel and fall straight to his feet._

_… not that you would object to such a thing happening._

_“Y/N… Y/N?”_

_He moved closer to you, his warmth so close that you could almost feel him against your skin. You wanted to reach out to touch him; to make sure that he was real…_

* * *

“Y/N? Damn, you sleep like a log! Come on, mom made that fancy yogurt thing for breakfast—.”

“It’s a parfait, you plebe.” Katie sounded like she was in awe of Matt’s ignorance.

 _Wait_.

Katie and Matt?

Your eyes flew open and you automatically moved to clutch the warm covers on you higher against your chest. It only took you a few seconds to take in your surroundings before your eyes landed on the Holt siblings. Staring at them blearily, you blinked more times than absolutely necessary as you decided that the brother and sister definitely looked related.

And then, you leaned forward and whispered, “This… is Shiro’s room.” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement.

The glow in the dark stars on the ceiling, the neat study desk tucked away in the corner with only a laptop and a printer sitting stop it, and the bookshelf full of little knick-knacks and personal affects that somehow  _screamed_  Takashi Shirogane… it was definitely Shiro’s room.

“Yeah, he carried you here after you freaked out at dinner last night—.” Katie began to explain, only to be interrupted by Matt.

“Pidge!” Matt reprimanded. You watched as Katie shot her brother a glare at the nick name, but then felt your heart hurt at the worried look in her large honey brown eyes. The girl didn’t mean to be rude; it was simply just how she was— straightforward and always saying what she means.

“Sorry,” Katie offered you a smile before offering her hand out for you to grab onto, “I didn’t mean it like that. We were all worried. Shiro checked on you all night, I think…”

Your eyes widened and you felt terrible for infringing on Shiro’s sleep. You had even commandeered his room;  _gods you were the_ ** _worst_** _house guest ever!_

“Oh my god, no way! No, no, no, no! I can’t even…  _I’m so sorry_!” You apologised profusely, eyes shut tight as you felt your growing embarrassment practically searing deep into your bones. “This is so humiliating! I didn’t mean to have an anxiety attack—.”

“Well,” Colleen’s voice suddenly called from Shiro’s doorway, making you whip your head her way to take in her worriedly smiling face. She stood at the door, dressed down in a pair of blue jeans and a flowery blouse—  _a complete mom outfit if you were to be completely honest_ — with her hands folded over one another at her torso. “Anxiety attacks aren’t usually pre-planned, sweetie. You look a little flushed… are you feeling okay?”

Colleen’s concern was overwhelming; it had been a while since you experienced such doting care. Ever since you moved away from your family, you hadn’t once thought of re-connecting with them. Nasty things had been said between yourself and your parents, and you ended up so extremely heart broken that you didn’t want anything to do with them anymore. Having Colleen around to mother hen you felt both nice and burdensome.

Besides— _the flushing probably came across due to that saucy dream you were having prior to being woken up_ …

“No,” you finally answered, slowly pulling the covers off you. You belatedly realised that the soft, warm covers smelled like  _Shiro_  and he was everywhere and… “Wait. Where’s Shiro?”

Matt actually had the nerve to snort in amusement as he cast you a sly look, “He’s in the shower. Why? Wanna get another look at him in the nu—  _owww okay, okay I’ll stop_!” Matt whined, whimpering slightly from the pain of being punched square on the shoulder by his little sister.

Usually, you wouldn’t readily condone violence, but you were truly grateful to Katie in that moment. Matt’s lack of tact was really asking for an ass whooping.

“Matt, Katie.” Colleen sighed disapprovingly. “Leave Y/N alone. We’ll all be downstairs in the dining room, okay? Take your time sweetie.” There is was again. That motherly endearment that had your chest roaring with affection.

You mustered a smile and nodded at Colleen as she hoarded her kids back out to the hallway. She paused mid-movement and smiled at someone in the hall, and you felt your palms clam up as you quickly realised there could only be one person making their way to the room you were currently occupying.

_Takashi Shirogane._

**_A freshly showered Takashi Shirogane_.**

Gods, you were not ready for a devastating attack to your ovaries again so soon after the first.

“Ah, Shiro— Y/N was asking about you just now! We’re heading down to breakfast now, so could I please just ask you for a small favour?” Colleen paused, and then smiled brightly. Shiro probably nodded silently at her, and you could almost see his puzzled expression clearly in front of your eyes at her question. “Excellent! Please check in on Y/N? She seems a little flushed, and I’m afraid she might be coming down with something. She’s been working too hard…” Colleen’s voice trailed down the hall as she moved away from the door and towards the stairs.

“Sure, I can do that.” Shiro’s footsteps grew closer, soft and controlled against the carpet. You hated the fact that you let out a high squeak as you dove back under the covers, leaving only a small space between yourself and the mattress so that you could observe Shiro’s entrance into his room.

Except, in trying to hide from Shiro, you ended up surrounding yourself with more of Shiro. His lingering scent was intoxicating, and you could vividly see the flashes of Dream Shiro approaching you, his eyes searing hot with passion, his intentions with you clear in his movements as the bed dipped…

Wait.  _The bed dipped_.

You held your breath, and bit your lip to refrain from screaming in shock as a pleasantly heavy palm suddenly rested in the middle of your back.

“Hey, Y/N? You awake?” Shiro’s voice was soft, and filled with caution. It was almost like he was afraid of scaring you off. You immediately felt horrible; he hadn’t done anything wrong! You were the one having lewd thoughts of Shiro. You were the one who was hoping that your friendship actually meant more…

Gods, you wanted your fledgling friendship to mean  _more_.

That thought on its own was just too cruel, even for yourself. You should be happy with whatever time Shiro was giving you… you had no right to be internally asking for more than what was being offered to you.

“Mmm,” you hummed quietly, not trusting yourself to speak.

Shiro’s hand remained on your back, still but comforting. Damn him… why did he have to be so comforting?

“You sure? You’re awfully quiet—.”

“I just woke up.” You retorted, sounding harsher than you intended to. You blanched from within the blankets at how dumb you were sounding. Poor Shiro; he didn’t have to deal with this…

You chanced a peek out of the blankets and noted that Shiro was fully dressed in a plain black t-shirt and a pair of well fitted but not quite skinny jeans. He looked nice. More than nice, actually. He looked handsome;  _like a model_.

Unsure as to why, you felt your eyes burning with unshed tears.

“You wanna head down for breakfast—?”

“Why are you d-doing this?” You hated that you hiccupped right in the middle of your question, and you hated that you sounded so damn weak. You hated that you were getting emotional about  _nothing_  at all, and you especially hated that Takashi Shirogane was an angel of a human being in your eyes. “Why are you so insistent on being nice to me? I don’t like it! I don’t!” Deep down, you were uncomfortably aware that you were acting like a complete brat, but you persisted. You wanted to protect yourself.

The tears that spilled from your eyes? That uneasiness in your chest? The fluttering in your belly whenever you caught sight of Shiro? Those were all reasons, amongst many others, as to why you never wanted to be  _friends_  with anyone in the first place. You couldn’t afford to lose yourself to strange hormonal whims. You couldn’t afford distractions.

You had things to do. And a lot of those things were to be done on your own.

Shiro sighed, and his hand started to move over your back in soothing circles. “I’m nice to you because I want to be nice to you. I’m doing this because I’m worried about you. Colleen and Matt and Katie and Sam…  _they’re all worried too_ —.”

“So it’s just because Colleen asked. I get it.” You huffed, and you wanted to slap yourself for being the biggest douchebag on the planet. Honestly, you didn’t know what your deal was, and you were keenly aware of how difficult you were being with Shiro of all people, but you couldn’t seem to stop yourself.

It was like you were extremely adamant on testing Shiro’s resolve to be a part of your life.

 _You were desperately hoping that he would pass your test, but you were already ready for that crippling feeling of heart break if he let you down_.

Shiro’s hand stopped rubbing your back from over the covers, and your eyes screwed themselves shut as your chest heaved with uncontrollable heavy sobs. You hadn’t cried so hard since you left home. You hadn’t felt so conflicted since you were told you had no home with your parents anymore.

You barely knew Shiro… and yet his rejection affected you so terribly that you lost track of everything. You lost track of the fact that the warmth of Shiro’s scent left you momentarily, and then came back more than two-fold as you were brought up and held against a solid chest. You lost track of the gentle sounds Shiro made as he brought you down from yet another anxiety attack. You lost track of the gentle caresses on your back as he softly encouraged you to keep breathing.

But you felt his warmth. Oh, yes…  _you felt his warmth, and you never wanted to be without it_.

Painfully, you held those private thoughts to yourself and sniffled. Excruciatingly, you pulled away from Shiro’s embrace and wiped your tears from your cheeks with the heels of your palms in pure embarrassment.

“Gods, I am so sorry—.”

“Stop apologising for things that aren’t even your fault, Y/N.” Shiro cut you off. You could hear the smile in his voice.

You glanced up at him with red-rimmed eyes and a snotty nose. He was smiling down at you, his kind eyes glistening with so much concern that you almost broke down into tears once again. Gods, how long had it been since people had shown you so much care? How long had it been since you felt like you were a  _part_  of someone else’s life?

**How long had it been since you felt important to someone?**

A long moment of silence fell over both you and Shiro as he held you. You belatedly realised that you were clinging to his shirt rather tightly. You wanted to let go, but you still felt shaken, so you held on. Shiro didn’t seem to mind, only moving slightly to adjust his position so that he was more securely seated on the edge of his bed.

You cleared your throat, “Stop stealing my words. I said that to you back in the diner, remember?”

Shiro laughed at your muffled reprimand.

“You say a lot of smart things. Makes me feel smart when I use your words,” Shiro’s voice was rich and deep in his chest. You pressed your ear closer, and for a short moment you pretended that Shiro liked you the way you obviously liked him. You pretended that he held you not out of pity, but out of true want and will to keep you safe from anything, including yourself. You pretended that Shiro was someone special to you…

 _Perhaps you didn’t have the pretend that last part_.

It was clear, since the day you laid eyes on him face-to-face at your local grocery store, that Takashi Shirogane was going to be a very special presence in your life for the future to come.

You wanted to hate that fact.

But as you nestled further against Shiro and breathed in his pleasant scent, you felt warm. And with that warmth, you felt hopeful.

And that hope… rendered you less hateful of the whole situation than you wanted to be.

“Do you like me?” You suddenly blurted out.

You shut your eyes tight and waited for Shiro’s response.

“Yeah,” Shiro’s tone was light and friendly as he spoke, and his hand was on your upper back again, rubbing soothing circles between your shoulders. “I like you. That’s why I’m here. That’s why I’m worried. You’re my friend, so of course I like you.”

 _Friend_.

You smiled, though your heart ached.

“I like you too. Thank you for being a good friend, Shiro.”

You meant that sincerely, even though it stung.

A comfortable silence hung between you and Shiro as you got your breath back into control. Shiro was the one to pull away from the embrace, but his kind smile and twinkling eyes continued to warm you. He stood from his bed and held his hand out to you.

“Breakfast?”

You nodded, a small and reluctant smile flitting over your lips. “Sure. I’ll just go freshen up. You head down first, okay?” You paused and willed yourself to make eye contact with Shiro. You almost lost your ability to breathe when your gazes locked. Gulping, you spoke up truthfully. “Thank you for not leaving me on my own. It’s been a while since someone’s helped me through these attacks.”

Shiro’s expression was a strange one as he stared back at you. Pained almost. But then he smiled at you, and something in his eyes changed as he nodded at you resolutely.

“No problem. You’re not alone anymore, okay? I’ll help you as many times as you need, okay?”

The affectional warmth that was slowly building up inside you grew.

And you smiled at Shiro, utterly grateful to at least call him a friend.

“Okay. Thank you, Shiro.”

You decided not to dwell on the sensuality of the dream you had woken to that morning. It wasn’t worth jeopardising your fragile, yet wonderful, friendship with the one and only Takashi Shirogane.


	9. Past Misgivings, Present Conditions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys are picking up on this slow burn couple's favourite line that they throw at each other; mention it in the comments below for virtual hugs haha! :D
> 
> Find me on tumblr: blackpaladinarchive.tumblr.com!

You ended up spending all of Saturday with the Holts before Colleen drove you back to your old university sponsored dorm for a last check before you arrived at your new Garrison Galaxy accommodation. The dorm itself was self-contained, and quite spacious in comparison to the single room you had to work with at the university. As a staff member, you got your own little mini-apartment, set with a small bedroom, a decent sized living room, and a compact little bathroom with a shower and toilet nestled inside.

It was cosy, yet you felt a little out of place.

Sighing as you reached out to straighten up the frame of your Honours Degree, you found yourself staring at it with disbelief. You still couldn’t believe that Professor Colleen Holt had taken you in as her student despite your short-coming marks. You didn’t get a First Class Honours—  _you fell short a few marks and only managed to get a Second Class Honours_. Still, Colleen had always pushed you to be better. She always pushed you to work harder.

She was always there to encourage you.

 _And in a matter of hours, you were going to be setting up your own lab at the Galaxy Garrison_.

Shutting your eyes, you didn’t stop the excited squeal building up in the pit of your stomach from spilling out. You allowed yourself to jump around for a bit in ecstasy, knowing full well that you looked every bit the fool that you felt. Still, no one was around to see you, and you barely had time to celebrate your hard earned success until now.

Once you got the mini-celebration out of your system, you took in a deep breath and recollected yourself. Flashes of your ideal research ideology passed by your inner mind’s eye and you found yourself smiling genuinely for the first time since the weekend had started.

This was it.

“Y/N? You ready for your first day at the Garrison?” Shiro called from the hall. You checked the clock mounted on the wall and noticed that Shiro was right on time to collect you for your meeting with Commander Iverson.

You grinned, much too excited to think of anything else but your brand new psychology lab, and your new students and colleagues.

“Morning Shiro! I’ll be right out!” You called back, briefly taking a moment to fix your appearance as much as you could before heading towards the front door. There was purpose in your stride. The meltdowns were all in the past. You were going to be fine. You could do this.

This was  _your_ new beginning.

* * *

Commander Mitchell Iverson was an intimidating man. He stood almost a head and a half taller than you, and you felt like he was probably the type to spit as screamed profanities at misbehaving cadets. You stood stock still in front of the man, and took solace in the fact that Senior Officer Takashi Shirogane was standing in front of you, just off to the side so that the commander could see you.

“Commander, this is Y/N L/N. She’s just handed in her manuscript for submission to the Board for final assessment. Professor Colleen Holt has indicated that Y/N is on track to be short listed for the American Psychological Association’s International Humanitarian Award for her vast dedication and immense contribution to Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder research. She’s completed over 6 studies that yielded statistically significant research results, pioneering the research into investigating the deep capabilities of the human mind through understanding the effects of trauma—.”

“Enough,” Iverson interrupted gruffly, shooting you a skeptical look. You gulped and nodded slightly, much too intimidated to actually talk. His gaze softened as he looked at you a little longer, and then he sighed tiredly. “At ease, soldier. You too, Y/N.” You glanced over to Shiro and watched his shoulders relax at Iverson’s prompting before you let yourself try to do the same.

“Apologies, sir.” Shiro coughed, and you could see the tips of his ears tinging pink again. You could have laughed at seeing Shiro so flustered in front of his superior officer. It was endearing to say the least.

Iverson leaned forward on his desk and folded clasped hands together, his gaze flickering between you and Shiro before he cracked a smirk. “Right.” He raised his eyebrows at Shiro before turning towards you. “Y/N. It’s good to have you on board. The government has requested we invest in measures to better the mental health and fitness of our cadets. While we had the facilities to look after our staff, we did not have the funding for our cadets.” Iverson took a moment to pause, and shot Shiro a dirty look, to which you noticed Shiro duck his head. Iverson turned back to you and nodded pleasantly, “We have a few  _unruly_  students enrolled in our prestigious space program; one of them is  _extremely_  promising. But he lacks discipline. He seems lost, in a way. It’s disappointing…”

You watched Iverson as he spoke, and came to the conclusion that while he was gruff, the man truly did care for the potential of his students. He wouldn’t have been put in charge to run one of the most expensive and prestigious military schools in the country if he hadn’t been.

Nodding, you stood resolutely before Iverson. “Have his legal guardian complete a referral form and I’ll get started right away—.”

“You heard her,” Iverson spoke up, looking right at Shiro this time. Puzzled, you finally stepped forward so that you could at least see the side of Shiro’s face. You almost reeled back when you noticed how  _hard set_  his expression was. “Fill the form in at your earliest convenience. This is his final chance before I take serious disciplinary action.”

Shiro nodded, his throat bobbing as he gulped loud enough for you and Iverson to hear him. His jaw twitched with how tightly he pressed his teeth and lips together, like he was trying to refrain from an argument.

 _It was the first time you saw Shiro so worked up_.

You wondered what was going on.

Shooting Shiro a curious glance, you left the issue as it was and moved onto your next line of inquiry. The tense silence was all-consuming and you just wanted to know how you were going to go about your first day at your new work place. The drama that had just presented itself to you there in Iverson’s office could wait until another time to be uncovered and understood.

“Um,” you started off softly. Shiro and Iverson immediately turned to look at you with an amusing level of interest. It seemed that they were both happy with the distraction you provided as well. Fidgeting with your fingers, you shrugged lightly, “I don’t really have a title. I’m not a Ph.D yet—.”

“The students will address you as they would a Junior Officer,” Iverson rumbled, his hardened eyes twinkling slightly with humour. “That’s not to say it’s an unearned rank. You will be completing your mandatory basic fitness drills just as the rest of our officers do. Officer Shirogane will be your physical education coach, as well as your direct supervisor with regard to anything to do with your research. He will report to Commander Samuel Holt, who oversees all the research projects that are coordinated from within this Garrison. Any questions?”

You nodded hesitantly at Iverson’s expectant look.

“Why not just directly report to Commander Holt?”

Iverson actually scoffed humorously at your question, and you immediately felt foolish for asking. “Normally you would, but the Commander insisted that Officer Shirogane be your direct point of contact. I believe he said something about you having a  _consistent and readily available point of first contact_? Either way, Holt is an eccentric man who gives me a headache on the best of days, so I didn’t really question his decision.”

You nodded in wonder, and glanced back at Shiro, whose cheeks had tinged pink over the last few minutes.  _Why was he so flustered_?

Was this… a regular occurrence? Was this constant blushing just a part of who Takashi Shirogane was?

You couldn’t help but smile at the endearing thought.

“Fair enough,” you replied. “Is there anything else I need to know?”

Iverson shook his head, and then brought out a thick blue folder filled with way too many documents. You could already feel the trepidation growing from deep inside you.  _There was going to be a lot of reading to do_.

“I’ve briefed you on all the important things. The rest is in this employee handbook. Good luck with it— I suggest you read the safety procedures and the emergency out-of-perimeter inspection protocols. While you may not be called upon for inspection and extraction of any suspicious peoples or activities around the Garrison, you will be utilised as a secondary inspection monitor as our delegated psychological trauma expert. At these times, Officer Shirogane will accompany you—  _though it will be highly unlikely that we engage in the mentioned protocols_.”

You nodded, barely about to wrap your head around what Iverson was saying this time around. Was he really suggesting that…  _there was a possibility of aliens existing_? Or were you reading too deeply between the lines?

“O-okay…” you stumbled over your response, sounding much too timid once again.

Iverson nodded at you, offering you a smile. Gods, he still looked incredibly unapproachable despite his efforts to look friendly. “Good luck, Officer. And Welcome to the Galaxy Garrison. Shirogane, escort Y/N to her next destination before you resume your duties for the day. Dismissed.”

Shiro saluted Iverson without a word, and you fumbled to do the same. You caught Iverson sparing a glance at you, and your cheeks burned hot in embarrassment when he just sighed at you.

“You’re going to have to work on your presence, Officer. The kids here will walk all over you if you keep up that timid attitude—.”

“I think she’s going to do just fine,” Shiro suddenly interrupted, only to taper off when Iverson shot him a curious look. “I mean, sir—  _Y/N_  is more than capable of holding her own. And she has my support—.”

“She has the entire faculty’s support, as well as her supervisor’s lab and associated stake holders at the civilian university.” Iverson corrected. “Remember Shirogane, your preparation for Kerberos comes first before anything else. If I see your commitment to the mission waver in any way, the Junior Officer will be re-assigned to another officer.”

“Sir—.” Shiro started abruptly, clearly sounding alarmed at the notion.

You turned to look at Shiro straight on, and shook your head at him.

“Are we clear, Senior Officer Shirogane?” Iverson’s voice rose to a loud boom, and you barely withheld a flinch at the volume. You snuck another look at Shiro before your eyes travelled to Iverson’s clearly disapproving gaze.

“Yes, sir.” Shiro answered curtly, sounding incredibly tense.

Iverson turned to you, and you bit your tongue to keep yourself from squeaking out of fear of the intimidating man. “You’re an intelligent woman. I trust you will use your own agency to perform your day to day tasks here at the Galaxy Garrison. What you officers do in your own time is none of my business, but I want to make myself very clear here,” Iverson stood up and rounded his table so that he was standing in front of you and Shiro. “We have a  _zero tolerance policy_  pertaining to inter-staff dating and relationships. I don’t know what’s going on between the two of you, but I want it gone the next time you two report to me in a month;  _is that clear officers_?”

You gulped and nodded. “Yes sir.”

 _You definitely needed to work on hiding your obvious, unrequited crush on Shiro from the public eye_. You didn’t want to put Shiro’s chances of going to space in jeopardy, after all.

Shiro cleared his throat beside you and stood up tall and straight. HIs presences was as big as Iverson’s, but gosh he felt so much warmer and approachable even with the slight scowl on his face as he spoke.

_You realised it was his eyes._

**_He had really kind eyes_**.

“I don’t know what you are insinuating, sir. We are simply two staff members with a friendly history.”

“Well,” Iverson shot back, his gaze watching you and Shiro closely, “as long as it does not compromise the Garrison’s missions and objectives, I expect the  _friendliness_  between the two of you to remain platonic.”

Shiro saluted, “Yes sir.”

* * *

The walk towards your new office space three blocks down was filled with stiff silence. Shiro’s gait was jaunty at best, like all his muscles were wound up too tight. His fists were clenched at his sides and the sides of his hair stuck to his skin with how he was perspiring.

You wanted to ask Shiro what was wrong, but decided against it. You didn’t want to aggravate him further. Though…  _he was admittedly cute when he was angry_. You had never seen him in such a state, it was novel and incredibly interesting to witness.

After a few more moments of tense silence, Shiro startled you as he let out a loud, clearly frustrated sigh.

“He’s  _always_  had it out for me,” Shiro supplied quietly.

You hummed in response, not trusting yourself with words, but wanting him to know that he was safe to continue talking to you about what had just happened. You were immensely curious after all. And it wouldn’t hurt Shiro to get some negativity off his chest. Clearly, he was feeling a lot of negativity after that induction meeting with Commander Iverson.

“Ever since I was a cadet, he was always picking on me. I was the runt of the class, always small and so obedient. My parents raised me that way, you know?” Shiro shot you a glance, filled with a sense of desperation for validation. You nodded, and he sighed and continued talking softly as he walked with you. “Don’t look your elders in the eye. It’s disrespectful. Bow to your superiors. Mind your manners. Hold your tongue and listen to your superiors unconditionally…  _all those teachings worked against me, you know_?”

“I can only imagine,” you whispered, just loud enough for Shiro to hear. You glanced up and scanned your environment quickly. It was too early for students to be milling around. It was no wonder the Garrison campus was so quiet.

“I went home during the holidays of my second year at the Garrison, and I had this huge argument with my father about how he’s taught me to be a push over.  _He was so mad_. But he never blew up at me, he never raised a hand against me. He just stood there and he listened to me yell at him. He listened to me when I told him he was a shit father,” Shiro laughed, though there was no humour in it. “He’s still not talking to me. Mom’s stopped asking him to come to the phone. I just…” Shiro let out a shaky sigh, and it was then that you reached out to grasp his elbow in an effort to keep his steady. He wasn’t stumbling physically, but you could tell he was really spilling his heart out to you.

Though you wondered why it was that Iverson triggered such a heart felt confession.

“It’s okay,” you soothed, not really knowing what else you could do for Shiro without a complete mental health assessment and back ground check. “You both just need time—.”

“ _I don’t have time_ ,” Shiro said, cutting you off. He turned to you, and his eyes were glazed over with emotion. “Kerberos…  _I don’t have time Y/N_. I worked myself up to this amazing opportunity, and one false move can make me or break me… but I keep asking myself whether I’m ready for this. I keep asking myself if… if anything happens to me out there, will I ever be free of the regrets that I carried with me from Earth to Kerberos?  _Am I even good enough to get us all to Kerberos?_ ”

You didn’t know what to say as Shiro spilled his heart to you right there in then in the empty grounds of the Garrison. The wind was cold and stark against your cheeks, and your grey uniform let the chilling air in.

Shiro was probably feeling cold too.

“Hey, no…” you started, rubbing his arm gently. “You’ve worked way too hard to think like that now. You have a beautiful dream laying right ahead of you. You just need to keep working hard for a little longer. And your father? You have around two years before you go up, so within that time I’m sure things will start to look better. You love him, right?” You asked, voice soft.

Shiro nodded, “Yeah. I miss him a lot too. I haven’t heard his voice in years. Iverson just…” Shiro sighed and shook his head suddenly, breaking his eye contact with you. “ _If Iverson hadn’t talked shit to me before I went back home, things could have been different_.”

You didn’t have enough information to confirm or deny Shiro’s emphatic statement. In fact, you were much too confused at his sudden spillage of personal information.

 _Even the prodigal pilot had a dark past, it seemed_.

“Um,” you began, looking for a change in topic. You gulped and boldly tugged Shiro forward to continue moving, “my office is this way, right? I wonder if it’s warm in there—  _it’s way too cold this early in the morning_! Typical desert climate, huh?”

You could feel Shiro’s stare on the side of your face, and you refused to return his gaze, opting to keep your eyes on your shoes as you walked.

He finally let out a short laugh, though it sounded a little choked. “Yeah, um, it’s pretty chilly in the morning. I should have at least warned you. Sorry…”

“Stop apologising—.”

“— for things that aren’t even your fault.  _I know_. I’ll remember next time.” Shiro laughed, a little louder this time.

Your gaze softened, and you bravely lifted your gaze to meet his.

“The stuff that happened between you and you father? It’s not your fault either. Things happen between family members,” you pressed down on the melancholy that came with speaking that fact, “but at the end of the day, blood is thicker than water. You’re a good man, Shiro. Your father raised a good man.”

Shiro’s eyes widened, “You really think so?” He sounded shocked, but also eager to hear more.

You couldn’t help but laugh as you let go of Shiro’s arm and shook your head in disbelief.

“Yeah, I really do. Now, come on! Be a good platonic friend and get that door for me, will you?” You quipped, deepening your voice a little in a bad impression of Iverson.

Shiro snorted and reached out to pull the door open for you, “Of course, friend. But we better not get  _friendlier_  or the commander will write us up for indecent behaviour in a professional space.”

You rolled your eyes, pushing down the strange yearning in the centre of your chest as you watched Shiro’s whole body relax with his growing laughter.

It was a relief to see him smiling again.

“Exactly. Now hurry and show my to my office before I’m accused of not using my own sense of  _agency_ to find my own office and solve my own problems in this fortress of a Garrison.”

Shiro directed a mock salute your way, and you couldn’t help but burst into quiet giggles as you rejoined your  _friend_  by his side.

 _Gods, you were happy he was smiling again_.

You dreaded the day you would have to see Takashi Shirogane so upset.

But still, even if that day came, you promised yourself that you would do  _anything_  in your power to snap him back to his gentle, friendly self.

 _Anything_.


	10. Cracks in the Foundation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Initially, I planned to have a Fem!OC play the role of… well you’ll see when you read on. This one’s dedicated to all those gals out there who are feeling bittersweet about the big Shiro reveal (I know there are quite a few out there judging by the asks and the DMs I have received the past couple of days). Just know that the character you fell in love with is no different now than before. And the more love out there in the world, the better. So keep loving on Shiro! (Also, just before Adam stans kill me; he’s NOT a bad guy in this fic I LOVE ADAM TBH AFBSVSKLNVSHEKINDAREMINDSMEOFFFXVIGNISLOLOLASDFGHJKLKJH!!! In fact, you might be a little surprised at the conclusion of this epic journey lmao). On with the fic! Please, don’t think this is the end for Shiro x Reader; stay on this journey with me– I promise it will turn out okay after the storm!
> 
> Find me on tumblr: blackpaladinarchive.tumblr.com

Two months at the Garrison passed with no notable incidents. Iverson was happy with your strong sense of independent  _agency_  given that Shiro continued to thrive in his preparations and training for the Kerberos mission as far as you knew. The establishment of your lab was slow and steady, just the way you wanted it to go in the beginning. After all, you needed to get all the policies and procedures right, and you also needed an ‘all-clear’ from both the Garrison Ethics Board as well as the University’s Ethics Panel for Scientific Research Pursuits.

You were too busy to actively go seeking out the companionship of Takashi Shirogane, and it appeared that Shiro was pretty busy with his own preparations for Kerberos. It wasn’t until you had finished drafting your third successful research paper at the Garrison that your mind turned towards your bashful, cute and incredibly handsome friend.

“Hey, Y/N? We’re going out on the town to grab a bite to eat— you in?” Your research assistant, Zara Agnitio, peeked through the crack of your office door, a hopeful little smile on her face. You wanted to turn her down and make an excuse as to why you couldn’t leave your office, but you really had no justifiable reason to be cooped up in your office any longer.

The research papers were drafted and sent off to peer reviewers earlier that afternoon, and you were pretty much sitting idle and a little brain dead from all the work you had thrown yourself into since arriving at the Garrison.

So you sighed and nodded, defeated. “Sure, I’ll be right down—.”

“Cool! I’ll forward you the email; some other faculty officers are coming down with us. It’s going to be so  _great_! Oh my gosh, you get to meet my boyfriend too! You know the one—!”

“—  _the one you’ve been talking about every spare second of each and every day_?” You interrupted, a teasing grin flourishing across your cheeks. “Yeah, I think I can gauge who you’re talking about. It’s the one with the muscles and the hair, right?” You asked, though you already knew the answer. Humouring Zara was always fun. She was always looking so…  _in love_  with that guy who had just transferred in from Special Forces.

She’s only met him two weeks ago.

It was funny how quickly things moved along when you weren’t available to pay the outside world any attention.

“Yes,” Zara blushed and averted her gaze from you. You smirked, and Zara scoffed embarrassedly. “Shut up Y/N! When you’re in love, you’ll understand! Whoever it is that steals your heart…  _you’re never going to be able to get over the first thrill of knowing those feelings you have for them are wholly and reliably reflected back onto you two-fold_.”

You considered Zara’s words with a slight pout forming on your lips.  _What… was that supposed to mean?_

“Yeah, yeah—  _like I have time for any of that romantic stuff_ ,” you laughed, though your heart ached with a strange sense of loneliness. Pushing the feeling aside, you shot Zara a small reassuring smile. “Go meet with your boyfriend. I’ll be by soon,” you shooed Zara away with a wave of your hand.

Zara laughed, her voice sounding strangely like twinkling bells chiming in a gentle night breeze. You wondered whether that was what all women in love sounded like. Perhaps, if it ever happened, you would sound the same? You watched Zara walk down the hall and away from your office, and then heaved a sigh as you slumped down in your seat.

Checking your calendar for the next week, you noticed that you would be having your first counselling session with none other than Mr. Angsty Cashier— Keith Kogane. It appeared that he was the  _problem student_  in the Garrison. The way he had been recruited to attend the Garrison had been less than orthodox, that was for certain. He absolutely  _smashed_  the flight simulator test, supervised by Senior Officer Takashi Shirogane, and then proceeded to steal Shiro’s vehicle in what was reported to be the result of a typical ‘fight or flight’ response orchestrated by a child with severe impulse control issues.

 _It was clear from reading Keith’s file that you would be dealing with a very tough cookie_. But the trauma background Keith Kogane held was much too serious to knock back for the sake of your own comfort. Besides, you were keen to uncover some of Keith’s motivations behind his seemingly reckless and highly unplanned actions against Garrison property and pupils.

The next time you glanced at the time display on the bottom right of your computer screen, you gasped and reeled backwards in your wheelie chair. Standing quickly, you snatched your coat up and hastily put it on before gathering your cell phone and your water bottle from your desk. You grabbed at some research papers you had planned on reading that evening in the comfort of your bedroom before sleeping and shoved them into your ever-present laptop bag before you slung it across your torso and set out of your office.

You sincerely hoped that Zara was so utterly smitten with her boyfriend, Arjun Sinha, that she didn’t realise you were almost an hour late to dinner.

Checking your email for their location, you were surprised to see not Zara’s email, but Shiro’s glaring up at you in bold face in your inbox. Eyes wide in slight shock, you paused in your quick gait and pressed your thumb against the message.

‘ _Hey, stop working so hard! You’re the only one out of all of us_ youngsters _still going hardcore in their office! Hope you’re hungry; I’ve got some things I want you to try from here! Besides, I’ve got some awesome news I want to share with you! I’ll see you soon!’_

You finished reading Shiro’s short email to you and couldn’t stop smiling.

 _He thought about you_.

A short giggle left your throat, and you fished out some loose change from your pocket as you simultaneously dialled a cab. Your stomach grumbled, and you were excited to catch up with Takashi Shirogane after such a long time.

When the cab arrived in front of the Garrison Pickup Station, you slid into the back seat of the cab and directed the driver to your down-town destination. The whole drive there, you continued to read Shiro’s message over and over again.

 _He sure used a lot of exclamation points_.

* * *

The place was way too crowded for a Wednesday night.

You fought your way through throngs of people inconveniently mingling between fully-seated tables, a slight scowl on your face from the effort. You were never much of a people person, and you were always had a keen sense of smell that did not agree very well with crowded places. The overstimulation of your surroundings resulted in a dull ache at the crown of your head, and you wanted very much to just turn on your heel and have the cab drive you back to the Garrison to your dorm room.

Before you could action your desirable plan, you heard him call out to you over the obnoxious noise of the crowds populating the bar.

“Y/N! You came! Come on, I save you a seat!” Shiro called out to you, clearly speaking in exclamation points. You caught his gaze between the throngs of people and noticed how his dark grey eyes sparkled in what could only be described as delight. Beside him, an attractive sun-kissed man has his arm wrapped around Shiro’s shoulders.

You didn’t really think much of it as you approached Shiro just by the sound of his voice. Giddy from the thrill of getting to talk to Shiro again after a long time, you wondered what he was going to ask you when you reached his side. There was a spare seat right there beside him, like he had reserved it specially for you.

You heart hammered pleasantly in your chest and you had never felt so alive.

_Was this what it was like to have a friend who actually_ **_cared_ ** _?_

“C-coming!” You called out, tripping through the last annoying pocket of people blocking your way to the table where the Garrison Officers were seated. You caught sight of Arjun and Zara at the very end of the table, much to wrapped up in each others’ arms to really notice your arrival. You inwardly blanched at their public display of affection, though you were morbidly curious as to how they avoided gnashing their teeth together as the kissed so deeply. Didn’t the saliva exchange that was so clearly happening between their mouths through their sloppy tongue contact bother them at all?

 _You concluded there and then that couples were weird_.

You smiled and averted your gaze, shooting a timid smile Shiro’s way. “Hi.”

Shiro let go of his bottle of light beer and raised his hand to wave at you, shooting you a happy grin of his own. “Hey! Come here, I wanna introduce you to someone!”

You approached Shiro’s side as he patted the empty space in the booth beside him. Your gaze flickered towards the bespectacled man with the sensible hair cut sitting beside Shiro, and you caught him gazing at you with pleasant interest. Gulping, you nodded in acknowledgement his way and gingerly sat yourself down right at the edge of the cushioned seat.

Apparently Shiro wasn’t having any of that.

“Come on, Y/N! We’re friends, right?” You didn’t know why the word stung as your eyes flickered towards the other man’s hand resting to comfortably on Shiro’s shoulder. You watched as the man tightened his grip around Shiro in a firm squeeze.

“Takashi, she probably feels uncomfortable. It’s been two months, after all. I told you to call her for a catch up sooner…” the man’s voice was friendly, with an undertone of stern force. You couldn’t help yourself as you watched Shiro’s clearly drunken features form an adorable pout.

“I didn’t want her to get into trouble on my account. You know Iverson’s got the shits with me all the time. I didn’t want to drag Y/N in too…” Shiro protested, leaning into the man’s hold.

You desperately wished that Shiro was just an overly familiar drunk. But your rational side was already doing the math with the little information that you had access to.

“You know Iverson’s only looking out for you—  _we all are_.” The man sounded tired; almost like he had explained this obscure fact to Shiro thousands of times over. And just like anyone who had heard these words a thousand times over, Shiro groaned and tried to shrug the man’s arm off his shoulders in a show of uncharacteristic petulance. You supposed it was from the deafening of inhibitions brought upon by the alcohol.

 _Just how much had Shiro had to drink anyways_?

“Can we, like, not talk about that stuff right now Adam?” Shiro’s tone of voice came out whiny, and his pout grew stronger still.  _Gods, he was adorable_. Why was he so adorable? As you were pondering your own rhetorical question about Shiro’s alarming drunken behaviour, he suddenly turned to you, the energy of his grin as intense as a ten thousand kilowatt lit light bulb. He leaned close to you and grabbed your wrist, tugging you close.

He leaned his head down, his lips so close to your ear you could feel his breath. It was warm, and you could smell the strong alcohol and yeast of his beer. You didn’t mind, though your cheeks were growing much too warm for comfort. Across the table’s booth on the other side, Arjun and Zara were still lost in their own world.

You couldn’t help but keep your eyes locked on the oblivious couple, your whole body already dreading what was to come. Gods, you could feel the confession from a mile away. You could feel Adam’s stare on you; a silent plea for approval as Shiro’s mouth formed the drunkenly slurred, yet happy words to you.

“ _The guy sitting next to me. This handsome, sexy, all round amazing human being?_ ** _He’s my boyfriend_** _. I’m so glad you finally get to meet him Y/N!_ ”

Boyfriend.

 _Boyfriend_.

 **Boyfriend**.

 _You knew Takashi Shirogane was too good to be true_.

“O-oh, awesome!” You were surprised at how cheerful your voice sounded as you replied to Shiro, though your body was tense and you were so ready to run as far as your legs could take you. Every little instinct of self-preservation in you told you to get up and leave. And you so desperately wanted to…

 _But Takashi Shirogane sat there right beside you, his wide-blown puppy dog eyes staring at you so expectantly, his cheeks flushed with the intoxication that alcohol brought him and so many others…_ ** _you had to stay_**.

“Really? You’re not going to tell me to ‘get lost’ like my dad?” Shiro asked you, his tone so vulnerably ecstatic that you immediately shook your head no.

“O-of course not,” you didn’t ask Shiro further about his dad. That was a conversation for another time. If you ever mustered up the heart to have a conversation with Shiro without your heart exploding with the dark feeling of unrequited lo—.

_Wait. What?_

**_What were you thinking?_ **

Love? Unrequited love?  _Were you in love with your_ ** _only_  ** _real friend in your young adult life_?

Gods, you were messed up.

You were soooo fucked.

“Y/N,” Shiro slurred, leaning closer to you as he spoke, “you’re literally the best. You’re such a good friend. You didn’t even look at me funny. Do you still think I’m cool? Even though I like this guy?” Shiro tilted his head towards Adam, his voice gently searching as he looked into your eyes for his answers.

You nodded. How could you not?

“You’re the  _coolest_  Shiro. You can’t control who you fall in love with. I’m happy for you.”

And that was the truth.

As much as it hurt for you. As much as his revelation caught you off guard. As much as you felt your heart cracking in its barely there foundations…  _you were so damn happy that Shiro was happy_.

“Thank you, Y/N.” That was Adam. You glanced over Shiro’s frame that was practically leaning over you to catch his eyes. Adam nodded at you, and there was a grateful smile on his face as he shot you a look of approval.

For some reason, you felt validated at that look.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you Adam. I hope we can get to know each other better!” You chimed and offered your hand out around Shiro for a hand shake.

Just as Adam clasped your hand in a firm yet gentle hold, Shiro looped his arms around your mid-section and pressed your body flush against his chest.

He was trembling slightly as he held you, and you quickly realised that this revelation of his wasn’t just a drunken spur of the moment impulse.

 _He had been worried_. He had probably had a few drinks to calm himself down. The arm Adam slung across Shiro’s shoulders wasn’t just for show— it was a gesture of undying and devoted support.

_Shiro was scared to tell you about Adam._

And it had something to do with his father’s reaction to Adam.

That very train of thought had your heart aching for Shiro.

_He didn’t want to lose you like he lost his father._

“Gods,” you murmured as you retracted your hand from Adam’s hold, eyes still locked on his as you wrapped your arms gently around Shiro. “You didn’t tell me for two months because you were scared of what I’d think? Is that why…  _you didn’t call me or come see me_?” You asked carefully.

You felt Shiro nod. And then you felt him shudder against you.

Adam’s hand rested on Shiro’s shoulder as you held Shiro’s firm body against you, rubbing his back in soothing motions.

“He said he didn’t want to lose your friendship. He was shitting himself when Zara said you’d be coming by. I’m glad though,” Adam smiled at you, and you knew that you couldn’t be mad at him for the dull ache in your heart. “I’m glad he’s got a friend like you. He’s not been able to stop talking about you since you guys met at the convenience store—.”

“H-hey!” Shiro pulled himself up and out of your embrace, wiping at his eyes before gently slapping his hand against the table. “I’ve been a follower of her research since she was doing her undergraduate thesis, okay?” Shiro said pointedly. Shiro stared at you with glazed over eyes and offered you a genuine smile. “I’m moving back to the Garrison in a month.”

You blinked at Shiro, the sudden change in topic jarring.

“Huh?”

Adam laughed and pulled Shiro back his way against his body. Shiro willingly let himself drift back to his boyfriend, and you missed the feeling of Shiro’s warmth against you. Still, you held back your selfish desire for contact with your  _friend—_ you had to keep reminding yourself that he was surely and completely just your friend now— and simply shot Adam a quizzical look.

“What?”

Adam grinned at you, and gods….  _He was cute too. What was with all the cute, clearly not-straight men surrounding you and your every day endeavours?_

“Your face. It’s cute—.”

“I  _told_  you she’s adorable!” Shiro chimed in, smiling at you with a fond look in his eyes.

You gulped nervously at how  _openly_  they were speaking so positively of you. Biting the figurative bullet, you figured that if you were really going to become friends with the immensely good looking couple seated right beside you, you would have to work on opening up and being as honest with them as they were with you.

Besides, you were all friends—  _right_?

The ‘f’ world seemed to leave a bitter taste in your mouth.

You ignored the feeling and smiled at the two men.

“Not as adorable as the two of you!” You grinned, hoping it was reaching your eyes. The bashful laughter that came from both Shiro and Adam had you smiling genuinely in return. Pushing the bittersweet feeling of loss deep inside, you focused on the positives.

You were sitting with Shiro and his boyfriend Adam. Zara and Arjun were on the other side of the booth’s table having a good time, lost in their own world. Sure, you were actually the fifth wheel in this scenario but…  _Shiro was happy_.

Gods, he was smiling so bright, pointing at practically half the menu as he tried to convince you to get a bit of everything because all of it was just  _so_  good _._

_You said you would do anything to make sure Shiro was happy. You would do anything to ensure Shiro remained smiling that cute way that made you melt from the inside out._

**Adam made Shiro happy. That much was clear.**

You turned to the newly revealed couple, at least to you, and you gently punched Shiro on the upper arm. He was built like a rock.

“The two of you look good together. Really, I’m so happy for you two!”

The beaming smiles on Shiro and Adam’s faces really made the heartache fade further into the background of the whirring thoughts and ideas constantly racing inside you.

 _Truly, it made you happy that they were happy_.

 _(Lies,_ your mind hissed at you _, you’re weeping tears inside your heart as you play the fool.)_

You ignored that distinct thought in favour of enjoying yourself with your friends for the night.

That was going to be a troubled thought for another day.


	11. Questions and Confusion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter might be a little lumpy, I wrote it through a dreadful head, shoulder and neck ache. But omg, some fluff ahead :D Yay! :) Just one question: do you guys want some chapters from Shiro’s POV? Let me know if you do! :)
> 
> Find me on tumblr: blackpaladinarchive.tumblr.com :D

“Keith,” you smiled up at the apathetic dark purple hues looking your way from the sofa opposite, “you made it! Come in, take a seat!” You sounded too relieved and tried to tone your enthusiasm down a bit. In all honestly, you weren’t expecting Keith to turn up at all. The fifteen year old did not have a record for truancy, which was pretty damn good for a ‘troubled’ case, but he was definitely a defiant soul.

You waited for Keith to cuss you out and whirl on his heel to stomp out of your humble faculty counselling room.

Instead, Keith Kogane simply sat back on the much too bright orange sofa and looked over at you with an expectant expression plastered on his face. You took a good look at the Garrison deviant and felt your gaze soften as you noticed how  _small_  Keith looked in his slightly rumpled uniform.

“How are you feeling?” You asked, your voice steady and assured as you spoke.

Keith raised a dark eyebrow at you as his bottom lip jutted out slightly in consideration.

“Aren’t you…  _the noodle lady from the store_?” Keith suddenly grinned and sat up straighter.

You immediately shot Keith an unimpressed look, “ _That’s what you want to talk about in therapy?_ ”

Keith’s grin dropped slightly and he shrugged. “Don’t know what else I’m supposed to talk about. I’m a shit person who got lucky apparently. Everyone knows that, so I don’t know how you’re going to fix it. Does it even need to be fixed?” Keith shrugged again, smile completely erased from his lips.

You gulped and stared down at your notebook, at a complete loss for where to start with Keith Kogane.

These sessions were going to be a  _blast_.

———————

As you had already predicted, Keith quickly grew bored of your mandatory assessment questions and promptly stood up and left the session while you were mid-way through asking about his family composition. You noted that point down:  _family is a sore point for Mr. Kogane. Discuss and explore with caution_.

You waited a couple of minutes before you fished your phone out of your pocket and dialled a numbed that sent your heart palpitating with both anticipation and nerves. After all, he was Keith’s referring officer.

“ _Hello? Shirogane’s phone._ ”

You paused for a moment, expression contorting into one of befuddlement.

 _That was_ ** _not_** _Shiro_.

“Um,” you started off uncertainly, “it’s Y/N. Um, it’s about Keith—?”

“ _Oh! Sorry Y/N, you mustn’t have expected me to answer. It’s Adam. What about Keith— oh, hold on I see him_.” Adam’s voice tapered off, and you heard some rustling before three voices began to have a conversation with each other on the other end of the line.

“ _What are you doing out of session so soon? You could get written up for this, Cadet_.” That was Shiro.

You heard a sigh, and you wondered how Keith managed to sigh so loudly. “ _It was boring. I left_. _What’s with you and Noodle Woman anyway?_ ”

Adam hummed in agreement. “ _You’re awfully fond of her. Should I be worried—?_ ”

“ _No! Wh-what are you talking about? Guys!_ ” Shiro exclaimed, letting out an exasperated sigh of his own. “ _Keith,_ ” he started again, sounding calmer, “ _Commander Iverson’s gonna have_ both  _our asses if you don’t go to these sessions. It’s a condition of your academic probation—._ ”

“ _I don’t get why I’m on academic probation in the first place! Academically, I’m the perfect nerd_.” You couldn’t see him, but you could practically hear Keith rolling his eyes up at the ceiling.

“ _Here at the Garrison, conduct counts towards your academic requisites,_ ” Adam spoke up quietly, calm and clear as he explained the whole concept to Keith. “ _Do you want to talk about what really happened at the session? Your eyes are bloodshot, you know?_ ”

“ _Fuck you,_ ” Keith retorted, sounding hostile.

You gulped and clutched your notebook to your chest harder as you felt the tension rise between the three men on the other side of the phone line. You knew no one would be able to hear you if you spoke up, with Adam’s hand over the speaker and his ear presumably nowhere near the receiver. You waited with baited breath, listening to what was happening on the other end of the line.

“ _Keith_ …” Shiro trailed off, sounding disappointed.

“ _Don’t ‘Keith’ me Shiro. There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m fine, okay? I don’t need to see a shrink!_ ” Keith argued. You winced at the vehemence in his tone. Was that all towards you? Did he really think you so bad?

You frowned, eyes downcast as you continued to listen.

“ _No one’s saying there’s anything wrong with you. Just… I mean, you’ve gotta agree somewhat when I say that you have some discipline issues to work out. Impulse control has always been an area for improvement for you—.”_

 _“My ‘instincts’ are also exactly what got me into the Galaxy Garrison. You want to take that away from me by calling it a problem with ‘impulse control’? What the actual fuck Shiro?_ ” Keith sounded upset now, his voice higher and louder and wavering with emotion.

“ _Keith, come take a seat with me for a bit okay_?” Adam’s tone was warm, and you heard him pat the seat beside him. “ _I’ve got Y/N on the phone. She’s worried about you, so she called—_.”

“ _That’s Y/N? Give it here!_ ” Shiro requested. You heard a few rustles, and some short non-verbal protests, before a voice filtered through the receiver.

“ _Uh, hey…_ ” It was Keith.

You took a short, quiet breath and proceeded with caution.

“Hi Keith. It’s okay. Don’t worry about it, you did great today, alright?” You reassured him. It was true, he had done a good job for even showing up. “How about we sort out a good time for you to comeback next week, hm?”

Keith breathed into the phone, and you imagined him nodding. “ _Yeah, okay._ ” He sounded quiet; bashful almost.

“ _We’re proud of you Keith_ ,” You heard Shiro say softly on the other end of the line. You heard Adam hum in agreement.

Biting the inside of your lip as you pulled out your notebook diary—  _yes you had a notebook diary that was how much you believed in hand writing_ — and checked your availabilities. “Is Friday afternoon okay? After your Flight Simulation practical?” You ventured.

Keith hummed, “ _Yeah. Sounds good. And, uh, sorry for just leaving like that. Can I talk about stuff I wanna talk about next session?_ ”

You were internally mortified when Keith made his suggestion. Had he thought that he  _wasn’t_ allowed to take charge of the direction of the sessions with you? Had you created such an environment that rendered Keith uncomfortable and less likely to open up?

Breaths shallow, you shook your head quickly. “O-of course you can, Keith! I apologise if I made you feel otherwise. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable…”

 _I didn’t mean to hurt you_.

You took in a sharp breath and shut your eyes, ignoring the pressure growing in them. Gods, you needed to learn how to take small failures a little better—  _no one died after all_. You didn’t even  _say_ anything hurtful, and wasn’t like you knew Keith’s family was a trigger point.

That was exactly it though;  _you didn’t know_. You  **hated** not knowing. The uncertainty caused you a huge mass of anxiety that you had hidden well enough until now. It all seemed to be seeping through the cracks now. There was no stopping it.

You pushed the dark thoughts about losing control into the depths of your mind and willed yourself to focus on the  _now_.

“ _It’s okay. You didn’t know._ ”

“Okay. Well, see you next week?” You confirmed, unable to stop your hands from shaking.

“ _Yeah_.  _See ya then_.”

He hung up the phone, and then you were left to your own thoughts.

At least for at least fifteen seconds anyways. Your racing thoughts only slightly slowed down when your phone began to buzz insistently in your hand again. Unable to muster the energy to look down at your screen, you simply accepted the call and sighed into your phone.

“Y/N speaking.”

“ _Hey, sorry! I wanted to have a quick word with you,_ ” Shiro said, sounding concerned— bless his soul. “ _I mean, you’re done for the day right_?” He asked.

You had a freshly coded experiment simulation to test-run on yourself before starting the voluntary participants up on it the next day. You had to peer review five  _badly written_  cognitive psychology research papers. You had a video conference with a researcher in Spain to discuss the results gained from an experience conducted recently about the effects of marijuana on traumatised adolescent lab rats.

 _You had so much to do_.

“I guess I can spare a couple of minutes…”

“ _So let’s grab something from the diner again? I’ve been wanting to have another chocolate milkshake for a week now_.” Shiro laughed from his side of the line, and you couldn’t help but smile fondly at his enthusiasm.

You couldn’t stop yourself from asking, “What’s Adam’s favourite flavour?”

Shiro didn’t respond immediately.

A few seconds passed before he let out what seemed to be a relieved laugh, though you weren’t sure what the relief was for. “ _He’s lactose intolerant_.  _Also… um, is it okay if it’s just us?_ ”

You could have sworn your mind spontaneously played the sound of a record scratching. “U-uh, is that okay with Adam?” You asked, unsure of whether that was an appropriate question to ask, but it slipped out of your mouth before you had the chance to really think on it.

You did that a lot. The talking without thinking thing. It was troublesome to say the least.

“ _He’s my boyfriend, not my mom_.” Shiro deadpanned.

“Ah,” you nodded though Shiro couldn’t see it, “okay then. As long as it’s all good and all that…” you hated that you sounded so uncertain. You knew that going to the diner with Shiro was just a simple innocent meet up between friends. You didn’t have to assign it any other meaning. It was just… some salad, fries, and milkshakes.

And conversation probably.

 _That’s it_. That’s all it was going to be.

“ _See you outside your dorm in ten?_ ” Shiro confirmed.

You hummed affirmatively. “Yup. It’s a date!”

The words caught up to you after you hung up the phone.

 _It’s a date_.

Your eyes widened and you felt absolutely mortified.

“For fuck’s sake, can’t I just be  _not awkward_  for one interaction with Takashi Shirogane?”

* * *

“Should we get the summer date special? You know, since we’re on a date?” Shiro was relentless in his teasing the moment he collected you from your dorm. You rolled your eyes at the handsome Japanese man sitting opposite you and turned your gaze back to your menu.

“Oh, shut up Shirogane. You’ll overdo your macros if you get the summer date special anyways,” you mumbled, turning the menu over to scour the sides selection. The spring rolls looked good…

Shiro laughed loudly and promptly clapped his hand over his mouth, eyes watering from mirth.

“You’re  _so_  cute when you get flustered! Y/N, look at you!” Shiro pointed at your face.

“It’s rude to point,” you shot back, cheeks growing heated as you decided to have a lychee fruit tea instead of your regular milkshake. “And I’m not cute. I’m intimidating and extremely influential. Now,” you gazed over the top of the tall menu at Shiro and cocked your head to the side in question, “did you want to talk about something?”

Shiro’s mirthful expression sobered into one of contemplation. He finally nodded, but gestured at the waitress who was approaching your booth. “Yeah, but let’s order our food first. Hey, I’ll have my regular milkshake with the extra fudge sauce and the chicken and avocado salad—.”

“ _Bougie ass_ —.” You grinned, unable to help yourself.

“No,” Shiro didn’t even miss a second to quick back, “ _gay ass_. Anyways, She’s going to have the spring rolls and the lychee drink.”

“What?” You gasped in shock. You hadn’t even told Shiro what you were going to order. How did he know? Could he…  _read minds_? Was he really that skilled? “How did you know—?”

“You’ve been mumbling your order under your breath this whole time. It’s cute.” Shiro shrugged, smile spreading wide across his face. You ducked your gaze back down to the table and handed the menu to the waitress, nodding to confirm your order.

You never noticed that you mumbled when you were spacing out.

 _That was dangerous indeed_.

Once the waitress walked off with your orders, Shiro leaned forward onto the booth table with his fingers clasped together. He nodded at you, silently asking you to mirror his actions. Biting your bottom lip, you did as he silently suggested.

Once you were slightly closer to Shiro, he spoke up in a quiet tone.

“It’s Adam’s birthday this weekend,” Shiro began, eyes shifting from side to side as if he was trying to suss out any unwanted eavesdroppers. “He likes watches. You know, those old ones? Not the digitised ones.”

You nodded, “Okay.”

Shiro nodded back at you and continued, “So like, I’m not supposed to leave Garrison property on my own due to  _reasons_  and usually Adam would come along with me, but the present’s for Adam. I was just wondering if, you know…” Shiro suddenly averted his gaze from you, and this cheeks started to flush pink.

Oh gods, there he was. The precious flustered man who unfairly stole your heart.

“Shiro?” You prompted, leaning closer unintentionally. Shiro caught the movement and his kind dark eyes were immediately back on yours. You noticed the way his throat bobbed up and down as his gaze searched your face, his expression seemingly nervous as he tried to form words. “If…?” You prompted again.

He seemed to snap out of his slight trance at the sound of your voice, and he laughed softly and shook his head. “I feel dumb asking this now, I mean, you probably have plenty of other things to do over the weekend—.”

You did have plenty of other things to do over the weekend. Heck, you had plenty of other things to do  _now_. But you were here with Shiro, watching him stumble over his words in that adorable way that was unique to only him.

“Whatever it is, yes.” You found yourself saying. “As long as we’re not committing murder, or doing anything illegal, yes.”

Shiro’s eyes brightened immediately and he leaned forward further, drawing indirect attention to the fact that your faces were only a few centimetres apart now. You refrained from the urge to lick your quickly drying lips.

 _He looked so good up close. You wondered if Adam truly appreciated the beauty that was Takashi Shirogane’s adonis like features_.

Promptly, you gave yourself a mental slap for that thought. Of course Adam would have noticed. Who were you kidding?

“Nice! It’s a date then! I’ll pick you up in front of your dorm at eight in the morning. We can make a whole day out of it! I’ll show you the awesome place in the mall where they make all-natural smoothies. It’s going to be an awesome bonding exercise!” Shiro bopped your nose with his finger—  _you weren’t sure when he unclasped his hands to do so_ — and leaned away from you once more.

Blinking at him, you dazedly stared at Shiro as he turned to greet the waitress who had arrived with your food and drinks. You struggled to process exactly what had just happened in the past couple of minutes, but you were able to come to one conclusion.

 _Shiro asked you out to a diner to ask you out to a mall on the weekend_.

You blinked again, flustered, ecstatic, confused and slightly annoyed at the same time.

“Couldn’t you have just…  _asked me on the phone_?” You made sure to emphasise the phone bit.

Shiro took a sip of his chocolate milkshake with a grin plastered on his face. “No, because if I asked you over the phone we wouldn’t have an excuse to get milkshakes. I asked Adam earlier if I could have one, and he said no.” Shiro actually stuck his bottom lip out in a pout before bringing his straw back to his mouth. He took another sip as you simply stared at him, disbelieving.

“Wait…  _does he know you’re here with me?_ ” You asked, already in a panic.

What was Adam going to think of you? Did he knew that you liked Shiro too? You were probably really obvious that time at the bar, with how you hugged Shiro and comforted him. Was Adam going to confront Shiro about where he was about now? Should you be expecting a stern, or angry, phone call from Shiro’s boyfriend?

Shiro took one look at your face and snorted with humour. “He knows I’m with you, calm down. I can’t leave the Garrison without an escort, remember?” He reminded you, reaching over the table to steal one of your spring rolls. “He just doesn’t know we came here. I’m supposed to be on a diet and all.”

Ignoring the food theft, you raised a curious eyebrow at Shiro.

“Why can’t you leave without an escort, anyways?” You asked.

“It’s complicated. Long story for another time. Not really important.” Shiro deflected way too suspiciously.

It was your turn to snort in amusement.

“That just makes me want to know more,” you noticed the slightly panicked look on Shiro’s face and shook your head quickly, reaching for your lychee drink and taking a sip. Putting it back down onto the table, you smiled at Shiro. “I’m not going to force it out of you though. It’s cool.”

Shiro returned your smile and reached over for another spring roll.

This time, you slapped his hand away.

“You’re on a diet apparently. So stop.”

“Aw, man.”

* * *

It had been a few hours since Shiro dropped you back to your dorm.

It had been a few hours since he smiled at you from your front door.

It had been a few hours since he reached forward and enveloped you in his strong, warm arms.

It had been a few hours since he had smiled again and wished you a good night.

 _You were still riding on the high of that evening_.

You knew it was inappropriate to be feeling so strongly for a man in a relationship, but you couldn’t help it. The feeling  _felt_  right in the pit of your gut. There was something that you couldn’t place inside you, telling you that Shiro thought you were cute. He thought you were adorable.

He kept  _saying_  those things.

Could he be playing a cruel joke on you? Could he just be leading you on?

Or was he genuine? Did he really think all those nice things of you?

Did he  _really_  want to spend hours of his own time with you at a mall?

 _It’s to find a watch for his boyfriend Y/N. Calm your farm_.

But… he could have gone with anyone else.

 _So why did he choose you_?

It’s a date.

**It’s a date _._**

**_He said… it was a date_**.


	12. A Weekend Alone- Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, things start getting controversial this chapter. Here’s where the whole ‘Blurred Lines’ concept starts to come into play for many different sensitive themes explored in this fic. Let me know if there’s anything in these next coming chapters that deserve a trigger warning, and I’ll be sure to tag and warn in my notes as appropriate for subsequent updates! Also, to make up for the tension in the beginning of the chapter, the ending actually concludes on a LITERALLY sweet note haha! :)
> 
> Find me on tumblr: blackpaladinarchive.tumblr.com or blindedstarlight.tumblr.com! :) (previously themissimmortal, mooshinspace, and theimmortalbae- yes I have basically overhauled my whole online existence lol)

“Well I’m off then,” Adam leaned down on his way out of their shared Garrison dorm and pressed a sweet lingering kiss to Shiro’s lips. Shiro sucked in a breath, his heart pounding gleefully in his chest as he pressed his lips up against Adam’s to reciprocate the familiar affection. When Adam pulled away, Shiro’s eyes fluttered open to reveal happily glazed over grey orbs.

“Tell Kara she’s beautiful for me,” Shiro grinned. Adam rolled his eyes and reached out to ruffle Shiro’s hair before he moved away to grab his over-stuffed overnight bag from the floor near the coffee table.

“You spoil my sister, you know that? Are you sure you’re not trying to get with her through me?”

Shiro raised his eyebrows teasingly, “You jealous?”

“Psh, no.” Adam scoffed, ending in deadpan. He held Shiro’s gaze for a few moments, gazing at him fondly before shaking his head in humour. “Have fun shopping with Y/N.  _And make sure you tell her about your condition, okay?_ ”

Shiro’s pleasant expression immediately soured as he crossed his arms and diverted his gaze from Adam. “She’s going to be with me the whole time, and I haven’t had a spasm attack in months—!”

“All the more reason to be cautious Takashi—.”

“I don’t want her to know—!”

“ _She has to know if she’s going to be your chaperone!_ ” Adam raised his voice slightly, finality in his tone. Shiro, however, didn’t back down at all.

“I don’t want to argue about this  _again_ …” Shiro sighed, slumping back against the couch. He wished he had just wished Adam well instead of opening up an avenue for conversation. The kiss was enough of a farewell after all, right?

Adam dropped his bag back down and made his way back over to the two-seater sofa Shiro was already sprawled over. Shiro resisted the urge to roll his eyes back into his head as he realised that he wasn’t going to be getting out of this conversation as easily as he had hoped.

“Stop being difficult about it and we won’t have to argue,” Adam replied easily. He gingerly sat beside Shiro and placed a gentle hand on Shiro’s shoulder, squeezing gently to get his attention. “Y/N needs to know what’s going on with you. Imagine this scenario:  _you collapse at the mall and Y/N’s off shopping for who knows what—_.”

“She’s going to be shopping with me though. She’s going to be at the mall with me. We’re going together, so why would she not be with me, Adam?” Shiro explained insistently. Turning to Adam, Shiro reached out to grasp Adam’s hands in his own, squeezing them in what he hoped was a reassuring gesture. “She’s not going to just ditch me and run off, you know. I trust her—.”

Adam frowned and kept his hands limp in Shiro’s hold as he examined his boyfriend’s earnest facial expressions. Shiro stared back into Adam’s dark brown eyes and felt the warmth in them for him. His shoulders deflated and he worried his bottom lip between his teeth. Adam caught sight of the ever-present nervous habit and gently pulled on of his hands out of Shiro’s hold and gently pulled Shiro’s lip free with his thumb.

“Maybe I should just stay this weekend. I can take you—.”

“NO!” Shiro immediately jerked back and shook his head. Startled, Adam blinked at Shiro and raised his arms in surrender.

“Okay… fine. In that case, where’s your phone?”

Shiro’s eyes widened in alarm, and he shook his head vehemently now. “No. Adam,  _please!_  She’s the only person I know who treats me like a normal, capable human being these days—.”

“ _You’re not normal. You’re sick_.” Adam pointed out, like it was a fact that Shiro could never hope to change. “You’ve only got a few more years before your muscles just stop cooperating with you. You need to really begin considering your health over your foolish dreams. That last mission to Mars almost ended in you being bed-ridden for the rest of your life.  _Kerberos is just going to screw your condition over even more Takashi!_ ”

Shiro clenched his jaw and shut his eyes. He tried to control his breathing as his temper flared. He felt helpless and hopeless because Adam wasn’t telling lies. No…  _this was the ultimate truth_. But Shiro still wanted to dream. That’s all he could do… and damn it, he was the best pilot at the Garrison. He smashed every record there was, and proved that he was more than just his illness.

 _But Adam still worried for him so much, it felt stifling at times_.

“I don’t want to talk about this right now Adam,” Shiro managed to grind out between his clenched teeth. “I don’t want to argue about this. I know you care about me, and you’re saying all of this because you’re worried about me…  _but would it kill you to believe in me and my inherent autonomous ability for just a weekend?_ ” Shiro opened his eyes up and shot Adam a challenging look. “Or do you not trust me with a simple civilian task like going to the fucking mall?”

Adam rolled his eyes and abruptly stood up, clearly fed up of the argument himself. “You’re not being pragmatic about this Shiro. Honestly, there’s no getting through your thick skull right now. I’m leaving.”

“Fine,” Shiro huffed.

“Fine.” Adam snapped, snatching his bag from the floor and hefted it onto his shoulder. He walked with purpose towards the front door and suddenly stopped before he opened it up. Shiro heard him let out a shaky sigh, and immediately felt horrible for snapping at Adam.

_Adam was worried about him. Adam was only trying to care for him._

“I’m sorry… Adam, I’m sorry. Come here a sec?” Shiro attempted to placate Adam, opening his arms up as he stood from his seat. His muscles were sore and stiff, and he felt incredibly tired, but he wasn’t going to let the man who stood by him for so many beautiful years leave on a sour note. “Come on, give your sexy Japanese boyfriend some sugar!” Shiro grinned weakly and puckered his lips.

Adam snorted, amused, and Shiro’s chest warmed at the humoured sound. He watched Adam make his way over, his bag still slung over his shoulder. Adam wrapped his arms around Shiro’s waist and sighed against the crook of his neck, relaxing into Shiro’s hold. Shiro hugged Adam close and shut his own eyes, revelling in the comforting warmth of Adam’s presence.

He was going to be gone all weekend.

Shiro didn’t like to think himself a clingy boyfriend…  _but he sure didn’t feel like letting Adam go_.

“You’re ridiculous, you know?” Adam murmured, sounding ten percent annoyed and ninety percent in awe.

Shiro smiled and squeezed his boyfriend of two years and nodded before pressing a kiss to Adam’s cheek. “I know. Thank you for dealing with me for so long. I don’t know how you do it—.”

“I do it,” Adam pulled back to look deep into Shiro’s eyes, “because I love you Takashi. You’re important to me. I don’t want to see you hurt ever again. I don’t want to feel helpless like that time when we were just cadets…  _when your father said what he did to you_ —.”

Shiro cut Adam off with a searing kiss, his eyes scrunched shut as he tried to rid himself of the overwhelming memory of his father’s scathing words to him that somber day of his Graduation Ceremony. He didn’t want to remember them… he didn’t want to hear those words so vividly again, from the only hero he had ever believed in until he’d been thrown away so easily.

 _All because Shiro fell for another man_.

Adam pulled back, his chest heaving as he tried to even his breathing out. He let go of Shiro and patted his black shirt and dark blue skinny jeans back to an acceptable appearance. Running a hand through his chocolate locks, Adam managed to shoot Shiro a sweet smile.

Shiro felt like he could  _melt_  at the gesture.

Argument forgotten for the moment, Shiro raised his hand and waved almost timidly.

“I’ll miss you.” He changed the topic.

Adam made a slight face of confusion, but went along with the change.

“I’ll miss you too. Take care, and call me if you need anything. I’ll come running as soon as I can get away from the fam, okay?”

Shiro nodded, chest feeling hollow at knowing Adam was going. It had been while since he had stayed on his own. He spent almost three months with the Holts, and even before that he had been staying with Adam on base as he was now.

Adam didn’t often go back home, but his little sister Kara had insisted he be there for her birthday. Sure, the whole weekend plan over all worked to Shiro’s favour. He could go to the mall with you and purchase Adam’s birthday present without getting caught or rousing suspicion, but…  _his bed would be cold and if he needed someone to help him with his aches and pains…_ there would be no one to do so.

As Adam exited the dorm, Shiro’s eyes landed on his cell phone.

He looked at it thoughtfully before shaking his head and turning away from it.

“No, I can do this. I can be  _normal_  for a weekend. Like honestly,” Shiro mused to himself, “What’s the worst that can happen?”

* * *

That Saturday morning, Takashi Shirogane had felt like absolute  _shit_.

“Ugh…” Shiro moaned in pain, forcing himself into a full body stretch before he methodically began to complete some basic body weight exercises to stimulate his right arm’s stiff muscles. He glared through the tiresome pain deep in his flesh and worked through the intense burn he felt under his skin and seemingly in his bones until all the exercises were complete.

He made he way to the shower and placed his shower chair inside the stall rather regretfully, as he usually did every morning when the pain was too unbearable after his exercises to stand afterwards, and turned the water on to a soothing warmth.

Shiro blinked blearily as he sat in the spray of water. He allowed himself a few minutes to simply soak in the water before he lifted his left arm to get the body wash. He didn’t pay attention to the name of the scent, but it smelt like summer fruits as he lathered it onto his body with one hand. His right arm remained limp at his side, the ache rendering it immobile for a couple of more minutes before his medications kicked in to loosen the muscles from the inside.

Eventually, Shiro had showered and consumed his breakfast protein shake.

“ _Banana flavour,_ ” Adam had insisted every time they went grocery shopping, “ _you need the potassium Takashi_.”

Shiro found himself staring longingly at the protein shake bottle, wishing that the label was brown instead of yellow.

Chocolate flavoured things  _always_  tasted better.

* * *

You had been ready and waiting outside your dorm room, dressed in a simple ensemble of dark black denim jeans and a loose white long-sleeved shirt rolled up to your elbows. Your whole outfit looked like it had been ironed perfectly, and Shiro couldn’t help but grin at the sight of you as he vividly recalled your cute homely look from the grocery store where he had first met you.

“Wow,” Shiro continued to grin as he greeted you with a wave and quick visual once-over, “no hoodie today? I liked the hoodie.”

You looked flustered as you sputtered for and answer.

 _Gods, you were cute_.

“Sh-shut up, Shiro! Are we going or what?” You looked anywhere but at Shiro. He couldn’t help himself as his insides warmed pleasantly at the sight of you. You were honestly such a lovely person; you valued him for his merits and for his true self. You didn’t judge him and his ability based on his illness or his status at the Garrison. You treated him like a real person with feelings… like a person who actually had their own goals and dreams to work towards.

 _It was nice_.

Shiro, without thinking much of it, slung his left arm over your shoulder and guided you out of the Garrison Dormitory Block. As he lead you towards the Garrison vehicles, he shot you an inquisitive look.

“You had breakfast, right?”

He blanched when you shook your head.

“No. I woke up half an hour before we had to meet. On the weekends, I am  _not_  a morning person.” You grumbled, slightly stomping out of weak defiance as you walked. Shiro wasn’t sure whether or not you realised you were doing such a thing, but it was incredibly endearing to say the least. “Why are you looking at me like that?” Shiro blinked at your question.

_Wait… had he been staring at you?_

Feeling his cheeks heat up, Shiro shrugged and pulled his arm off your shoulders. “You look hungry. Wanna grab a bite before we shop?” He asked as he fished out the small lock remote to the vehicle he had booked for the trip to the mall. “We could go to the diner—.” Shiro found himself suggesting, his mouth practically on auto-pilot as his eyes locked onto your brown heeled boots. “I like those,” Shiro commented before he could stop himself.

You blinked at him, clearly puzzled by his words. “Huh? You like diners?” You climbed into the passenger seat of the vehicle, and Shiro noticed that you didn’t carry a bag like most women he knew. You simply had your phone case with a card holder attached to it. A practical woman, you seemed to be. “I mean,” you continued speaking casually, “I could have guessed that. Good to know though.”

Shiro bit the inside of his lip to prevent himself from bursting into laughter at your obliviousness. He gently shut the passenger door and hurried over to the driver’s seat, gladly noticing the way his right arm wasn’t burning in a dull ever-present ache anymore. It just seemed to be buzzing with a shallow, stiff tightness from his mid-palm to his trapezoidal muscles on the right side of his upper back.

Starting the engine, Shiro pulled out of the Garrison and onto the highway towards town.

“A smoothie at the mall will be more than enough—.” You broke the silence at the same time as Shiro’s clarification.

“I meant your boots.”

Shiro could feel your stare on his side profile, and strangely his first thought was to ensure he had shaved properly that morning in the shower. He lifted his hand to his face and ran his fingers over his jaw to check quickly. Satisfied, he breathed a short sigh of relief and took a short moment to glance your way.

“Hm?” He prompted.

He waited long moment for your reply.

And then you spoke again, humour in your tone this time. “I said a smoothie from the mall will tide me over for breakfast. I’m not a big breakfast person anyway.” You giggled suddenly, covering your mouth with your hand.

A significant part of Shiro wanted to pull the vehicle onto the side of the highway and pull your hand away from your mouth so that he could see your raw grinning face. Your smile lit up your eyes, and there was something about the joy on your face that had Shiro wanting to see it more often than just once in a couple of months.

“What’s so funny?” Shiro was glad his voice came out level and steady, because his heart was threatening to pump right out his chest in that moment. It was like he was feeling overwhelming fondness and overbearing anxiety, mixed with another unnamed uncomfortable feeling all at once. It wasn’t all  _bad_  per se, but Shiro knew that there was something wrong with what was going on deep in his very spirit.

You stifled your laugh, and Shiro instantly felt regret.

 _No… keep laughing. I like that too_.

“I’m glad you like the boots,” you said, laughter still clear in your voice, “it was such a random thing to comment on.” You looked happy about having your boots complimented though. Shiro couldn’t help but smile along with you as he bashfully stared ahead at the road, the mall approaching slowly on the horizon as he drove closer towards it with every passing second.

“Hey, I like what I like, okay?” Shiro pretended to be put out by your laughter, only to realise he was failing miserably. “What kind of smoothie do you want?” Shiro decided to change the topic.

You remained silent for a couple of seconds as you considered your options.

“ _Chocolate_.” You decided rather abruptly.

Shiro laughed. “You like chocolate?” He asked, genuinely curious.

You shrugged, “Can’t be too bad if you like it, right?”

Shiro couldn’t help himself as he nodded and laughed, absolutely speechless.

His heart  _soared_.


	13. A Weekend Alone- Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a cute mall date and a confession heh ;)
> 
> Find me on tumblr: blackpaladinarchive.tumblr.com and blindedstarlight.tumblr.com :)

Shiro couldn’t remember the last time he went to the mall with a young woman. Both amused and a little exasperated, he followed behind you as you skipped between stores with an eager glint in your eyes. See, you weren’t exactly entering the stores to purchase anything. 

No, you were simply heading into every single store to  _touch_  things longingly.

He was both enamoured and impatient.

Reaching out to grab your empty smoothie cup from your hand, Shiro brushed his fingers against yours. The slight jolt he felt at the contact barely went noticed as he tilted his head at you and frowned.

“Do you really need to touch  _all_  the knives?” Shiro bit the inside of his cheek as you immediately turned to him, eyes wide and bottom lip sticking out slightly in a put-out expression.

“They’re so  _shiny_  though!”

You looked up at him with so much hope in your eyes that he simply sighed and shrugged, “Fine. Just five more minutes. We need to get to the jewellery store—.”

“The jewellery store’s not going anywhere though,” you piped up pleasantly as you put the knife back into its wooden case. Shiro watched you turn around to face him, and noted that you looked satisfied after having inspected the expensive cutting implements. “But I guess you have a point. Let’s go!”

You grasped Shiro’s wrist and practically dragged him out of the store, and Shiro was having trouble pin-pointing when you started to get so familiar with him. He wasn’t complaining though. It felt nice to be dragged around so excitedly for once;  _usually he was the one being cute with Adam_.

Shiro’s heart dropped suddenly as he thought of Adam.

For the first time since being Adam’s  _boyfriend_ , Shiro felt something akin to regret.

“—  _over there!_ Shiro! Come on! Ugh, you’re all spaced out. Pun intended, by the way.”

Shiro gasped lightly as he came back to the present moment, blinking at you as he took a few short and hurried mental moments to process what you were saying to him. Unfortunately he’d only caught the last half of what you said.

He shook his head apologetically and ducked his head down as he walked next to you, his ear closer to your head, “Sorry Y/N, what was that?”

You narrowed your eyes at Shiro, and he couldn’t help but laugh sheepishly. When you let go of his arm with a gentle shove away, Shiro wanted to reach out and grab hold of you instead.

 _Shiro’s heart stuttered with conflict_.

“For a notoriously smart guy, you’re kind of dopey, you know that?”

Shiro felt genuine shock at your statement. He had been called many things over the years— some good and some bad—  _but never dopey_.

He threw his head back and laughed loudly, unable to help himself as the very centre of his being lit up in genuine giddy warmth at your unique christening of what he immediately recognised to be a new facet of his personality. “Dopey? Oh my god…” Shiro wheezed lightly, making a show of wiping the corner of his eye.

“It’s true!” You protested, your brow creasing as you argued weakly against his amused laughter.

Shiro sighed and nodded, “Right. Fair enough,” he smiled down at you before diverting his gaze to the shops the two of you were passing. Weaving between the decent crowds of people at the mall, Shiro noticed your longing gaze staring into every store that you passed. He made a noise of disapproval, and before he could think much of it, he gently took a hold of your wrist and tugged you along with him as he made a beeline for Adam’s favourite jewellery store. “No. Bad Y/N. No more window shopping until we get Adam’s present!”

Adam’s name sounded weird on his tongue. Especially when he had your wrist in his grasp.

 _He didn’t let go_.

Your protests flew into one ear and ran right out the other as Shiro continued to absent-mindedly tug you along, his thoughts much too loud for him to focus on anything else but the task at hand.

* * *

The watch was charcoal-plated gold, and by the looks of your starry-eyed expression, Shiro deduced that you approved of his choice.

“That one?  _It’s so expensive though_! Adam sure is lucky…” Shiro listened to your ramble mostly to yourself as he watched the store attendant meticulously wrap the thoughtful gift. Shiro watched the attendant thoughtfully before his steel tray gaze flickered over to your smiling face.

He really liked it when you smiled. It made him happy to see you at ease.

In his mind, he re-lived your moments of vulnerable panic right at the beginning of your friendship with him, and he almost physically shivered at how helpless your crying face made him feel. He would never say it to your face, and he was in no position to do so, but he wanted to see you happy as much as life could afford.

Shiro wasn’t delusional; he knew better than anyone else that life had its ups and downs…  _but he wanted your ups to last longer than the downs_.

“Hey,” Shiro spoke up once again before he thought to do otherwise, “it’s about lunch time, yeah?” He turned to you, gently tapping your shoulder to grab your attention. He watched you as you practically tore your gaze away from a simple, admittedly cheap, crescent moon charm from the gold-lit glass display. Gaze quickly flickering between the charm and your neutral-happy expression, Shiro made a controversial decision.

“Hm?” Your voice was sweet and comforting. You were an encouraging presence in his life. Shiro was grateful to you. That was why he was going to do what he was about to do…

“I’m about to finish up here. Do you mind finding us a table at the food court? It’s probably packed right now, so it would be efficient and yeah—.”

“Okay,” you interrupted Shiro mid-sentence with a roll of your eyes and Shiro couldn’t stop himself from immediately snorting in amusement at your sass, “I’ll go get us a table, just stop your rambling!”

Shiro grinned, amused, and shot you a mock salute. “Yes ma’am. Godspeed.”

“You’re a dope. An annoyingly cute, handsome dope—  _uhhh_ …” Shiro’s eyes widened at your words, and he felt his cheeks and ears heat up, and became incredibly aware of the fact that his face was probably well on its way to looking like a bright red tomato.

“I, uh…  _thanks_.” Shiro mumbled quietly, genuine but incredibly shy.

He was beginning to realise very quickly that whatever it was that was happening between himself and you was on its way to a very complicated and convoluted destination. Yet still, Shiro couldn’t pull himself out now. He was in too deep.

 _You gave him the freedom to be himself_.

He didn’t have to worry about his illness, he didn’t have to worry about his academic reputation or his pseudo-celebrity status around the Garrison, and similar space exploration facilities. Shiro liked that you saw him for who he was:  _a simple, hard working guy with a beautiful, almost impossible dream_.

“I mean…  _I’m going to go grab a table_.”

You promptly speed walked out of the store, your whole body stiff and at attention as you took off the exact  _opposite_ way to the food court. Shiro laughed softly at the look of pure embarrassment on your face as you realised you were going the wrong way, and couldn’t wipe the grin off his face as he watched you jog the correct way to the food court to find a table as he had asked.

“She’s cute. You guys shopping for her father or something?” The attendant asked as he wrapped the watch. Shiro turned to the attendant and focused his gaze on the man’s expertly moving fingers as he finished taping the golden gift wrap down with precise and practiced movements.

“Actually, it’s a birthday gift for my boyfriend…” Shiro corrected off-handedly, not really bothered by it.

The attendant paused in his movements and made a confused noise. “Huh. So the cutie’s single? Good to know—.”

Shiro didn’t know what possessed him to rear up and say what he did in that moment. But he said it.

“ _She’s not interested_.”

The attendant paused and shot Shiro an odd look, to which Shiro simply averted his gaze, suddenly sheepish after his surprising moment of seemingly misplaced bravado.

“Oh? Did I hit a nerve? I thought you were  _gay_ —.”

“I prefer to identify as pansexual,” Shiro cut the attendant off, his tone clipped. “Can you just stop chit-chatting and finish off my transaction please? My friend’s waiting for me—.”

“ _You’re so transparent bro_ ,” the attendant cut Shiro off, “you’re obviously into her. And you decided to bring her out here to fucking help you buy your boyfriend a gift? What the fuck’s wrong with you?” He criticised as he quickly finished tying a purple ribbon to the wrapped watch. Despite his ire, the attendant amicably handed the wrapped watch over to Shiro with a sigh. “You gonna get that charm for the cutie?”

Shiro scoffed as he took the gift from the attendant before defensively folding his arms in front of him. “What?”

“The charm. The one with the moon on it. She was looking at it the whole time she was here,” the attendant nodded at the display and folded his own arms in challenge. “You should at least show her you appreciate her coming out here with you. It’s so obvious you knew  _exactly_  what you were getting your boyfriend. You didn’t need to bring her—.”

“Who are you? My commanding officer? Why are we still talking about this?” Shiro shot questions at the attendant, attempting to defend himself via throwing distractor questions as he gathered his own mind.

The attendant shook his head and raised his arms in the universal sign of surrender. “Look man, I’ve worked here long enough to recognise love between two people at  _all_  stages. You’re one foot in man, and the other’s already well on its way.”

Shiro immediately shook his head, his thoughts revolving around Adam.

_And that stupid argument. And his stupid illness. And his space exploration dreams._

_“You don’t know_ ** _anything_**.” Shiro bit out, though his voice wavered as the image of your soft smile lit by the bright jewellery lighting invaded his mind. “You don’t—.”

The attendant laughed softly, and when Shiro looked up, he didn’t see judgment in his face. In fact, Shiro saw pity. “Man,” he sighed and shook his head at Shiro, “sucks to be you, huh?”

Shiro’s gaze dropped and he shrugged. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. We’re just friends.  _We’re just friends_.”

You were just supposed to be his friend.

He threw his family away to be with Adam. He chose an all consuming love over the wishes of his parents. Shiro had to live with the fact that his body was failing him, and his father didn’t want anything to do with him because, at the end of the day,  _he chose Adam_.

He couldn’t just move on from the biggest commitment borne from the biggest sacrifice of his life.

Things were comfortable with Adam.

“Then buy your friend that charm,” the attendant pressed.

Shiro raised his eyebrows at him.

“You just want to make another sale.”

The attendant shrugged, “To me it might just be another sale. But to  _her_ , it’s a present from a friend who cares a lot about her. And I say friend and mean it like inverted-comma-friends—.”

“Oh, shut up and give me that charm.”

* * *

Shiro had forgotten to bring his lunch time medications with him. He could last a couple of hours without the muscle relaxers though, so he wasn’t too worried. Shiro carried your slowly accumulating shopping bags using his left arm, and guided you to the best of his ability towards the parking lot with his right.

“I think it’s time to call it a day. I mean, you don’t need more notebooks from this stationery shop, right? You’ve got ten in these bags—.” Shiro tried to reason with you.

You, he learned very quickly, didn’t like to listen to reason when you were shopping for stationery.

It was like you were on a mission to bury yourself in cutely themed stationery.

Shiro was both amused and horrified.

“Ew, no…” you trailed off, sending relief coursing through Shiro’s veins at your denial. “The paper they use in this store for their notebooks is  _eugh_!”

Shiro took a good look at the way your face screwed up almost grotesquely, accompanied by the not-so-flattering sound effect. He snorted, amused, before he could stop himself. He could barely stop his gut reactions around you.

“They’re  _what_?” Shiro asked, gasping as he laughed.

You turned to him and frowned. “Eugh. You know, like… not awesome?” Shiro’s laughter grew louder at your explanation. You shrugged and grasped Shiro’s right arm and pulled him insistently into the store.

Usually the force would be nothing.

You barely used any force; it was just a friendly tug after all.

But Shiro hadn’t taken his muscle relaxants.

And his muscles were so tense they were locking up.

 _He dropped the bags from the shocking pain that felt like a burning lancet up his arm_.

“Shiro? Oh my…  _Shiro are you okay_?” He could hear the panic in your voice, and a bitter smile found its way onto his lips.

“Ugh…  _shit_.”

“What do you mean? Shiro, did I hurt you? I didn’t mean to pull so hard? Are you hurt? Gods… do we need to call someone— _!_ ”

“You’re not the worst,” Shiro panted through the pain, reaching out with his left hand to clasp your shoulder. Grounding you with his shaky touch, he pulled you closer with ragged breaths. “I just messed up today, that’s all. I forgot to bring my lunch time dose.”

Your eyes were wide and teary when he locked his gaze with yours. He  _hated_  that he caused that expression to take form on your face. He wanted to reach out and tell you that everything was okay, but in all honesty this was probably one of the worst muscle seizures he had in a long time.

_‘You can’t even look after yourself Takashi! How are you going to go up into space without me? You can’t even take your medications on time without me reminding you. I’m your mother, your father, your boyfriend… everything all in one Takashi! I’m looking after you now, and I’m always going to stand by your side because I love you. You’re everything to me, so you can’t just leave!’_

Adam’s words played over and over in Shiro’s mind as he screwed his eyes shut, trying to quell the pain’s intensity with the sheer force of his mind. It wasn’t working.

“How did you mess up? Shiro…  _sweetie open your eyes please_ ,” your voice was so soft, like a song. Shiro opened his eyes and lifted his head to lock gazes with you. Your eyes were still glazed over, but you smiled at him like everything was going to be okay.

“I…” Shiro gulped back the pain and started again. “I forgot my muscle relaxants. I’ve got a condition where my right arm’s muscular integrity is atrophying at a really, ah shit… um, at a really fast rate. I’ve got around six to eight years of mobility left before it spreads to the rest of my body. That’s why Kerberos is so important.That’s why I don’t have time to make things okay with my father. That’s why Adam’s so important to me…  _he’s the one who makes sure I’m doing okay_.”

Shiro sighed and slumped against you, his body shaking as the pain in his arm began to burn unbearably.

Your arms wound around his broad frame, and he felt warm. You smelt like summer flowers and freshly printed paper. Shiro settled into your hold, and surrendered his trust to you.

“Shiro…?” You sighed, and Shiro knew that you were scared and uncertain. He knew that you didn’t know what to do. If he was of lucid mind, he would have guided you through everything. He couldn’t though. The pain was rendering his mind irrational, and he just wanted to shut down for a little while so he didn’t have to feel anything.

The dissociation came naturally.

“Y/N…  _you’ll make sure I’m doing okay, right?_ ** _You’re going to make sure I’m okay, right?_** ”

He knew you were scared. He knew you didn’t know what to do. He could feel you shaking as you held him against your warm, soft, nurturing presence.

“Yes.  _I’ll take care of you. I’ll make sure it’s all okay, I promise_.”

Shiro smiled.

_He felt safe._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not the confession ya'll were thinking, huh? :P *runs away screaming* lol nah but honestly thanks for sticking around and reading this dramatic fic :D


	14. A Weekend Alone- Part Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is painful and hard to understand, but as I continue to update all the questions will be answered. Also, just keep in mind that the concept of "good" and "evil" are arbitrary. It all depends on your perspective. Adam and Iverson... inherently they are not bad people. They mean well; it's just that their methods might not be the most... morally appropriate for the situations they face. And anyways; creative licence in fanfiction is a thing *stirs more drama into the plot* :O
> 
> Find me on tumblr:
> 
> blackpaladinarchive.tumblr.com  
> and  
> blindedstarlight.tumblr.com   
> :)

The last thing Shiro remembered after hearing your make that promise was that warm feeling he used to feel when his father used to hug him in his youth. In the present moment, Shiro felt sore and groggy, and his right arm ached in a terribly muted way. He wanted to open up his eyes, but the dark magenta of his inner eyelids grew barely visible to his eyes, and he knew that the moment his eyelids opened, his pupils would be assaulted with intense white artificial lighting.

He could hear the beeping of medical equipment, and the haunting coolness of the intravenous drip slowly administering what could only be a mixture of morphine and his heavy strength muscle relaxant. Shiro bit his tongue and held in an exasperated groan.

He  _hated_  the Garrison’s medical wing.

“Shiro?” He heard a shaky female voice. It sounded distant, like he was submerged in a tub of water, and the voice was calling him through the dense volume of water clogging his ears. Shiro actually let out a soft groan and wrestled his eyelids open with what strength he possessed. “You’re awake—!”

“ _Let me through!_ ** _That’s my son!_** ”

Shiro’s eyes immediately snapped open at the sound of a man he thought he would ever hear again. He tired to sit up straight, but could not muster the strength in his body. Instead, Shiro groaned again and tried to raise his left arm forward at the blurry image of his parents hurriedly moving towards his bed.

“Take it easy on him. He’s going to be disorientated for a while until we lower his dosage,” Shiro heard the Garrison nurse warn his parents. Part of Shiro wanted the nurse to bar his parents’ access to him, but a larger part of him wanted to see them and hear what they had to say.

It barely took ten seconds for his parents to arrive at his bed side, but the moment they did, Shiro’s father began firing shots with his words.

“Where’s that boy who said he would take responsibility for you?”

“Touma…” Shiro heard his mother reprimand the head of the Shirogane household. Her tone was as gentle and warm as he had remembered it.  _It had been so long since he’d heard her voice_.

Shiro suddenly felt a pressure on his right arm, squeezing not-so-harshly at his forearm, and he let out a loud cry of pain. He couldn’t hide it, and the tears of pain leaked out of his eyes and down the sides of his face into his dark hairline before he could even think to put on a strong front.

_Gods… they didn’t know. They didn’t have a clue…_

“ _Touma!_ ” Shiro was surprised at the shrill desperation in his mother’s voice. His father’s grip was yanked back, and then a familiar warm hand patted him on his cheek with so much tenderness the tears grew two-fold. “Oh…  _my darling Takashi…_ ” Shiro shut his eyes and leaned into his mother’s caring touch.

“Himari…  _this is why he’s so weak_ —.”

“With all due respect Mr. Shirogane,” Shiro turned his head as quickly as he could when he heard your voice right at his other side, “Shiro is the  _strongest_  person I know. It is unfair of you to say otherwise.”

“Y/N…” Shiro rasped as he caught your gaze with his own. He weakly shook his head, heart rate increasing rapidly out of his own anxiousness around the situation. He didn’t want you to fight this battle for him; it would be futile, after all. He would much rather listen to his father’s harsh words than have them re-directed at you.

Shiro felt his chest constrict with helplessness as his father scoffed on his other side. He took in your determined expression and couldn’t believe himself when his nerves started to temper off just by looking at the mere essence of your strength in the face of his stern, ill-tempered father.

Takashi Shirogane both felt helpless, but incredibly safe with you by his side.

* * *

“And who,” Shiro’s father glared at you with such an intensity that you almost reconsidered being in the same room as him, “are  _you_?”

You maintained eye contact with the stern man and answered despite your shaking knees and trembling shoulders.

“I’m Dr. Y/N L/N. A Doctor of Philosophy in the study of the human psyche. I am the Garrison’s counsellor—.”

Shiro’s father coughed loudly, cutting you off.

“I don’t think it is within an academic’s job description to sit by another man’s beside when he is ill—.”

“ _Touma, stop it now_!” Your gaze shot towards Shiro’s mother, and the petite woman nodded at you kindly. “Thank you for looking after my son. It means a lot to me knowing that Takashi has good friends around him.”

“That  _boy_  is committing sin using our son—!” Touma bit out, sounding enraged.

Himari shot him what could only be described as a scathing look as she continued to stroke Shiro’s damp, slightly greasy hair from his excessive sweating due to the pain. “Get with the times, Touma! Love is love, and that is that. My son’s kept his condition from us for almost five years now. We lost five good years with our Takashi—  _how can you be so caught up in your prejudice at a time like this_?” Himari hissed the last of her words out, her eyes bloodshot and glazed over in her withheld anger.

You watched Touma carefully, and almost jumped when he suddenly looked at you, a strange tinge of hope in his eyes. “You.” He addressed you abruptly. You gulped and nodded, and he continued with his address. “You have no business amongst private family affairs. Get out.”

You stood rooted to the spot, scared stiff, but defiant for Shiro’s sake. You had made a promise to him after all. You had promised that you would make sure everything was going to be okay. You couldn’t possibly leave Shiro at the mercy of his angry, harsh, and cruel-spoken father. You just  _couldn’t_  despite the strong urge to run away.

“Don’t…” Shiro spoke up, his voice still weak as he addressed his father. “Don’t tell her to leave.  _She’s very close to me._ ** _She’s special to me, like you and mom_** _.”_  Shiro emphasised.

You blinked down at Shiro’s clammy side profile and shook your head slowly. “Oh, I mean… we’re friends!” You immediately tried to clarify the nature of your relationship with Shiro. You hated that fact that you secretly  _wanted_  his parents to get the wrong idea about you and Shiro. In that way, you could at least pretend that you were a special kind of  _special_ to Shiro.

 _Gods, you were delusional_. So, so delusional.

“You love her?” Shiro’s father asked the question to Shiro like it was some kind of challenge.

Your heart stopped, and you awkwardly locked gazes with Shiro’s mother, who stared between the three of you with concerned confusion written all over her tired, yet pretty face. The silence between Shiro and his father lasted incredibly long as they met each other’s glares with their own.

“ _Yes_.” Shiro said confidently. “I love her.”

You felt your legs wobble, and it took every ounce of strength within you to prevent yourself from crumpling onto the floor out of shock at how  _sure_  Shiro sounded. He was with Adam. It hadn’t even been six hours since the two of you had been at the mall buying Shiro’s beloved boyfriend his birthday present.

 _What the hell was Takashi Shirogane playing at here_?

“Is she your girlfriend?” Shiro’s father asked.

You gasped at this and shook your head, “N-no! Sir, you’ve got the wrong idea…  _Shiro don’t lie_ —!”

“I’m not lying. You are my girlfriend—.”

“ _Did you fall and hit your head_?” You sputtered, both confused and enraged. Such a big part of you wanted Shiro’s words to be true, but the pragmatic part of you immediately shut the words down before they could settle pleasantly in your heart. Shiro and Adam were a long-standing couple, and they were still well within their wonderful years of companionship.

Shiro was trying to prove a point to his father. And he was using  _you_  as his means to do so.

“Takashi, is Y/N telling the truth? Are you making this up?” Shiro’s mother looked between you and Shiro, a bright spark in her eyes as she shot you both a knowing look. You froze as Shiro hummed and shook his head negative.

“Y/N and I were on a date to the mall. I forgot my medicine and my muscles ceased. I went on a date with my girlfriend.  _My girlfriend_.” Shiro emphasised as he blearily looked up at his father. “Adam and I…  _we’re over—._ ”

“ _WHAT?_ ”

Your heart pounded hard in your chest at the booming voice of none other than Commander Iverson at the door to Shiro’s isolated medical examination room. The look Iverson gave you was absolutely  _scathing_. You wondered why Iverson made Shiro’s romantic relationships his business, but you didn’t dare ask the question. Instead you stood stock still and saluted your superior stiffly as you had been taught to months before.

“Um… I don’t know what’s going on sir…  _I’m just as lost as you are—!_ ”

Iverson shook his head, his nostrils flaring as he crooked his index finger at you, signalling for youth follow him. “Come with me to my office, Counsellor.  _Now_.”

“Iverson…” Shiro groaned, almost inaudibly. You almost let out a panicked whimper as Iverson’s red-glazed eyes stared Shiro down from his spot at the door. Shiro had the gall to smirk at Iverson, all hyped up on his medications;  _as good as drunk_. “You piece of  _shit_. You just don’t want me on Kerberos. That’s why you’re so fucking insistent on me and Adam being together. It’s not working. It hasn’t been working. I know Adam’s only worried, but I have a limited amount of time. I’m going to Kerberos.”

The snarl on Iverson’s lips did not bode well with you as he scoffed in Shiro’s direction, parents forgotten in the mean time.

“Adam doesn’t even know about Kerberos yet, does he—?”

You frowned suddenly as you recalled Iverson’s words to both you and Shiro in his office back when you had just started at the Garrison, before you had been awarded your doctorate. Gathering your wits about you, you decided to grow a pair and confront the big scary man that was Commander Mitchell Iverson right there and then.

“Do you know about Shiro and Adam’s relationship?” You asked, cutting Iverson off. The commander turned his stare to you, and you almost regretted asking that question of clarification. Still, he nodded slowly.

“Everyone in the Garrison knows—.”

“Then what was that talk about having a  _zero-tolerance inter-staff dating policy?”_  You asked. Iverson’s eyes widened, and Shiro snorted rather rudely from his bed, his inhibitions clearly weakened in his state of non-lucidity.

Iverson narrowed his gaze at you and was about to say something to you when, to your surprised shock, Touma Shirogane — Shiro’s aggressive father— spoke up in your defence.

“There is no such policy. I had asked Commander Iverson to instate one five years ago,” Touma shot Shiro a look that was akin to disappointment, “when my son was taken advantage of by these new age ideologies on relationships—.”

“Touma, stop it  _please_!” Shiro’s mother pleaded, sounding teary. “It’s love. Our Takashi fell in love…”

“Yet he looks at this plain woman here like she’s the next Messiah!  _Ayumi could have been our daughter-in-law—!”_  For the first time, you heard deep regret and hurt in Touma Shirogane’s tone.

Himari shook her head, her stare hard and surprisingly cold as she continued stroking Shiro’s hair soothingly. “She was a wicked girl who broke our son’s heart.  _She is not welcome in my house_. And certainly not in my son’s heart, I am sure…”

You blinked at the three Shiroganes in the room, lost and unable to follow their argumentative conversation any longer. Ayumi…  _broke Shiro’s heart_? How?

What… what had happened between Shiro and Ayumi when they were young? And why was Shiro’s father so hung up on it?

Though, in all honesty, you were more curious about why Touma Shirogane seemed to  _despise_ Adam. Suddenly, Touma didn’t seem to be attacking Adam on the basis of being a man. There was something much deeper going on. Perhaps it wasn’t your place to investigate further; still you were very,  _very_  curious.

But for now…  _why was Shiro insisting that_ ** _you_** _were his girlfriend? Why was he spouting this nonsense about loving you when he had Adam?_

“Mom,” Shiro sighed and leaned into her warm touch, “I don’t know who I love more…”

“Y/N, follow me  _now_.” Iverson hissed at you from the door.

Touma shook his head and stepped forward to stare Iverson down. “ _You_  will stop meddling in my son’s personal life to save your reputation at once!”

The whites of Iverson’s eyes grew even more bloodshot as you suspected his blood pressure to rise like crazy in his barely withheld anger. “Mr Shirogane, you hold no authority over me on Garrison property. Your son is under my command—.”

“You may be the commander of the Galaxy Garrison, Iverson, but know that the military serves its civilian people. You  _are_  accountable to your citizens. Right now, I am exercising my right as a citizen of the United States of America;  _I ask you to leave my son be and let him make his own decisions about his ability and his career_.”

You could have sworn Iverson’s throbbing vein was about to  _explode_  out of his temple. His whole body shook as he clenched his fists to control himself. Touma Shirogane was not wrong in what he had just said. But…  _when had Iverson discouraged Shiro’s dreams of going to Kerberos_?

From what you gathered from the very little information you had, it was Adam who was scared for Shiro’s health. Even so, Adam didn’t know that Shiro was personally preparing himself for a mission to Pluto’s most obscure moon in the next couple of years.

You wondered whether Adam even questioned Shiro’s three-month long absence from their shared dorm room when Shiro was completing his mandatory yearly team living placement with Sam and Matt Holt. Maybe Adam didn’t think it was anything out of the ordinary, given that Shiro had completed such placements in the past to maintain the team bond between his original crew; kind of like an anniversary of some sort?

“Fine.” Iverson disrupted your train of thought. His eyes glared daggers into you as he spoke, “You exercise your right as a civilian and Senior Officer Shirogane’s father, but you have  _no_  authority to keep Y/N from following  _my_ orders.” Iverson lifted his hand and crooked his finger to beckon you forward. “Come. With.  _Me_.”

Confused, admittedly hurt by Shiro’s cruel lies, and incredibly curious about Ayumi, Adam, Touma and Himari… you left all those questions behind and mentally prepared yourself as you followed Iverson’s instructions and followed him from a safe distance towards his office.

Steeling yourself, you prepared your own set of questions for Iverson the moment he shut that office door. You knew deep down that Iverson had a big role in maintaining Shiro and Adam’s relationship; you just wanted to know why he was so concerned with Shiro’s personal life in the first place. Why did he warn you in particular with false policies to dissuade your romantic feelings for Takashi Shirogane?

Did Iverson really have a malevolent ulterior motive?

And Adam…  _was he really all he seemed_?

Was Shiro with him out of habit? Out of obligation, even? Or was he really just spouting lies in his inhibited, drunken state from the morphine and muscle relaxant cocktail that eased him from the pain of his atrophying muscles?

You held back your tears, overwhelmed by the whole barrage of information you had just been bombarded with. Still, you were ready for any and all answers that would be offered to you, if any would be offered at all.

You just…  _had to play it smart_.

**Patience yields focus.**


	15. Fighting for His Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get your tissues ready guys; some moral debates are to be had and Iverson's actually kinda not so bad but still... O_O
> 
> Come scream at me for making you cry: blackpaladinarchive.tumblr.com or blindedstarlight.tumblr.com (ehehehe *ducks and hides*)

The moment Iverson’s office door shut, you were expecting him to cut all versions of hell loose on you. You weren’t exactly sure what it was that you had done wrong—  _matters of the heart weren’t so simple after all_. Still, it seemed that Commander Mitchell Iverson needed to divert some frustration towards someone, and unfortunately for you, you were the one closest and lowest ranked under his command.

You wanted to claim that you were just a civilian, just like Touma Shirogane, but alas you signed a contract with the Garrison which allowed them full authority to order you within military protocol. Sure, you fit in with your other colleagues and you were given privileged clearances on sensitive information and research archives, but at times like this you were desperate to have your civilian title back.

Standing before Iverson, you bit your inner cheeks in dreaded anticipation for what was to come.

“Y/N…” Iverson surprised you with a  _very_  tired sounding sigh, “ _what the hell is going on between you and my senior officer?_ ”

You blinked at Iverson, “We’re friends, sir—.”

“He said he loves you Y/N—.”

“He’s allowed to love who he wants. That doesn’t mean he’s romantically inclined towards me. Sir…” you amended quickly as you spotted Iverson’s tell-tale temple vein throbbing with his growing annoyance at your insubordination.

“Y/N. I’m going to make something  _very_  clear for you. Listen up,” Iverson leaned forward on his desk and looked up at you a surprisingly imploring eye. His other eye was scrunched shut as always— probably an old battle scar from his time in active service on the battle fields. “Things aren’t good with Shiro’s health. He’s my best officer, and he possesses immense talent. It’s all stuff no one can take from him. He’s beaten all the records, and he meets all the prerequisites to become one of the  _best_  instructors the Galaxy Garrison has ever known. It will be safest for him too with his condition—.”

You cleared your throat, your expression changing into one of sad understanding. Iverson halted in his speech and looked up at you expectantly.

“I can appreciate where your concern is coming from Commander Iverson. I want Shiro to be safe too. I just…” you trailed off, averting your gaze as you began to feel suffocated in the internal struggle you were having with yourself. Selfishly, you wanted to step over into Iverson and Adam’s corner. You wanted Shiro to be safe, so that you could have him around and make sure that he would be okay for as long as you had anything to do with his life.

But you knew that Shiro’s life was his own, and what he wanted to do with it was his own choice.

_His own autonomous, uninfluenced choice._

“You just?” Iverson prompted gruffly.

Jumping slightly, you licked your lips nervously and shrugged stiffly.

“If Shiro wants to go to Kerberos, and that is what he worked towards all this time, I say that you support him in his decision.”

Iverson turned a glare up at you as he leaned back in his chair and huffed condescendingly, “You support him in this? Wholeheartedly L/N?” Iverson bit out quietly, reaching for a pen to fiddle with as he watched you carefully for your answer.

You took in Iverson’s body language and realised that he was just a man doing what he thought was right. At the end of the day, he was looking out for the best interest of his soldier. Still, he forgot to take Shiro’s perspective into consideration, and if you had to be the unreasonable person who fought for Shiro’s right to make his own decisions about his future, then so be it.

**_You knew Kerberos meant EVERYTHING to Takashi Shirogane._ **

He had worked his whole life to be offered such a mission.

You recalled the plain panic in Shiro’s frantic voice as he told you that he had very little time left. He always spoke as if he was making decisions about his life for the very last time when he spoke about Kerberos. He hadn’t even told Adam…

Adam—  _he didn’t know yet_.

You gulped and shook your head absently.

“I do,” you finally said, “I support Shiro’s choice to pilot the vessel to Kerberos. Still, I’m just a friend. Adam…  _why are you so insistent on Adam remaining by Shiro’s side_?”

You had to ask the question.

It was something that bothered you ever since Touma indicated that there was no such dating policy in the Garrison.

Iverson shut his eyes and let out a huff of breath through his nostrils. His chest rose and fell as he breathed deeply in his seat. You watched him for a few silent minutes before he finally cracked his good eye open and let out a long sigh.

Gods, he sounded  _tired_.

“Adam is the only one who keeps Shirogane grounded. The truth about his last mission to the Space Station on Earth’s Moon…  _if Adam had not gone up with Shirogane, we would have lost out best pilot to Pilot Error_.”

You felt like you couldn’t breathe.

“Excuse me? I’m sorry…  _what_?” You sputtered, unable to believe your ears. “You mean…  _how?_ ”

Iverson shook his head, his eyes widening as he clearly braced himself to give you a brief rundown of events. “On a mission so close, we’re able to send a back-up pilot just in case things go wrong. We almost didn’t. Shirogane is our best and brightest after all. At the time, we didn’t know anything about his illness— it was from this mission that we found out that he had the illness in the first place.”

You felt like your mind was racing with multiple thoughts that kept crashing into one another. The words ‘pilot error’ kept flashing up in bold reds in your mind, an inaudible siren sounding in your ears as you imagined Shiro’s condition outside of Earth’s atmosphere. You imagined Adam witnessing the convulsions you saw earlier at the mall, and you imagined the panic Shiro must have gone through there and then in that enclosed capsule of a space. Gods, he must have been so pained and confused…  _he was probably incredibly scared_.

Adam too.

Adam especially.

You were scared when you saw Shiro on the ground clutching his arm, his skin pallid and his voice weak. His drugged condition in his hospital bed didn’t do anything to improve matters either. The whole situation was scary.

Maybe Iverson and Adam were right? Maybe Shiro wasn’t fit to pilot to Kerberos?

“Adam piloted Shirogane back, but the kid almost lost his mind from the pressure of the landing. The g-forces wreaked havoc on his already atrophying muscles in his right arm, and it was just…  _knowing what happened last time, I can’t take that that risk and the consequences of taking such a risk upon myself again_ —.”

“ **So I will** _.”_ You found yourself talking yet again before you could control yourself. Iverson looked up at you like you had just grown three heads from your neck and shoulders all at once.

“Didn’t you  _hear_  what I just said? You would still burden yourself with the highly likely chance that Shirogane might not survive this mission?” Iverson asked incredulously. “You would actually take all responsibility upon yourself, Y/N, to see Senior Officer Shirogane’s dreams come true?”

You nodded.

Your heart was thudding loudly in your ears, and you felt like the entire universe’s weight was suddenly on your shoulders…  _but it felt right_.

“He wants this so much. When he talks about space exploration, and Kerberos in particular, his eyes light up. He wants to see it, and experience it. He’s working so hard, sir. I’m not going to discourage him from his dream. I’m not going to tell him that he can’t go because he’s sick. If anything, I think he should be given a chance—.”

“Sam and Matt Holt will be in the same vessel. You would put their lives at stake just to see one idealistic soldier’s dreams come true?” Iverson asked you, his tone dead serious.

You almost felt like you couldn’t breathe at this point, that was how conflicted you felt. There were more lives on the line than just Shiro’s. Perhaps Iverson and Adam were being pragmatic in their choice to discourage Shiro from being part of the Kerberos Mission.

Still…

“You said it yourself, Commander:  _Shiro is the best pilot the Garrison has ever produced_. He’s receiving treatment for his condition, and you have around two years to work with Shiro’s specialists, as well as researchers in the field to determine how to best go about continuing Shiro’s treatment whilst he’s in space. If it’s about his muscles ceasing up… if that’s the issue at hand, if we can figure out a way to constantly stimulate Shiro’s right arm at an atomic level, then perhaps Shiro can safely pilot the vessel, take part in the Kerberos mission, and safely return back. I think if we can provide constant electrical stimulation via the muscles to the nerves, Shiro’s nervous system might be inclined to fight with his immune system long enough to stave off any major muscle stiffness and spasm attacks. But… I’m no expert. We will need to talk to someone who majors in biomechanics to see if it’s a feasible solution to the problem at hand.”

Iverson blinked up at you, his expression blank for an extended moment.

You blinked back, tense.

And then… Iverson actually cracked a grin at you.

“You’re really on Shirogane’s side, huh? You’re really fighting for his dream.”

You felt your cheeks grow warm as you shrugged and averted your gaze.

“I’m his friend. I’m just being a good friend—.”

“I wasn’t born yesterday, Y/N.” Iverson deadpanned. “I can see there’s something more than friendship between you two. Besides, Shirogane’s all doped up right now. He’s speaking from his heart right now. His executive function is basically switched off.” Iverson raised his eyebrows at you meaningfully and shrugged back at you. “Look, the final clearance for Shirogane’s mission to Kerberos will be decided by Admiral Saunders, Sam Holt and myself. I still think this is foolishness on both your parts, and I’m sure the Admiral will agree whole heartedly with my standpoint. Takashi Shirogane is a  _sick man_ —.”

“So we just write him off, then?” You snapped, unable to help yourself. Your shoulders shook with emotion as your eyes blurred with unshed tears. It was  _so_  unfair. “Your best fucking pilot has a disability and that suddenly makes him invalid. He proves himself the  _best_  in the whole fucking world, but that’s still not good enough because he’s sick—!”

“Y/N,  _enough_! Stand down. That’s an order.” Iverson stood from his seat and glared down at you, his body looming over you despite the mahogany desk between the two of you. Your breath hitched and you shook your head, fists clenched at your sides.

“This…  _is discrimination_.”

_This was probably the right thing to do. Iverson, Saunders, and even Adam had a good point…_

“If you let your emotions make your decisions for you, you’re going to be in for a rough time. You’re hurting Shirogane by enabling him to dream of a future that is not his—.”

“ **YOU CAN’T SAY THAT!** ” You screamed, emotion gushing out of you in a drastic response to the heartache you were feeling for the man you  _loved_.

It was true, you were in love with Takashi Shirogane, and there was no hiding it. You wanted to see him fly, and reach places he never even imagined. You wanted him happy, and you wanted to let him live his life on his own terms. If Shiro wanted to be on that mission to Kerberos, that was his prerogative. No one else had the  _right_  to take it from him. He’d already proved himself capable.

An illness.

All because of a stupid  _illness_.

A dysfunction of the human body…

It was so fucking unfair, you wanted to smash something into a wall. You wanted to hear destruction and you wanted everyone who was in close proximity to know exactly how much it hurt you to know that Shiro was  _this_  close to having his life-long dreams shattered all due to circumstances completely out of his control.

“Y/N.  _Stand down_.” Iverson barked, his glare intense and pointed right into your own watery gaze.

You whimpered and finally let yourself crumple to the ground. Chest heaving sobs, you shook your head and buried the heels of your palms against your eyes. It was so unfair.

 _It was so fucking unfair_.

“Children… when they dream of their future…” you hiccuped, “they dream so openly and so freely. And then disaster strikes, and most recalibrate their lives to do things in their adulthood that will keep them safe.” You raised your gaze up and caught Iverson moving around his desk to your side. You wondered if he was going to reprimand you, or order you to pull yourself together. Instead, he surprised you with a gentle hand on your quaking shoulder. “Shiro worked hard… Mitchell, he worked so hard to fight fate. He put in so much more effort than anyone to have ever gone through the Garrison… it’s so unfair. Don’t…  _please don’t do this to Shiro, I’m_ ** _begging_** _you—!_ ”

Iverson sighed beside you, and his hand left your shoulder, only to wrap itself securely around your shoulders as he pulled you in against his surprisingly comforting hold.

His hand rubbed at your arm, and your sobs wracked violently against his imposing frame. Still, for all the bark he delivered, it was clear he cared. More than he could ever express. He was just doing what was  _ethical_  and safe by all professional standards.

“You’re just kids caught up in this cluster-fuck we call life, huh?” He murmured, his voice softer than you had ever heard it before. “I can’t in good conscience let this go without a fight Y/N. I’m sorry…  ** _perform a miracle and have him present fit enough to fly the mission in a year_**.”

You pulled away from Iverson to look at his face. His expression was conflicted, but he looked down at you and shrugged.

You gulped as your breath hitched loudly, “Y-you… if I can help Shiro prove he is fit for flight to Kerberos, you’ll reconsider?”

Iverson grunted softly and averted your gaze, “You have Sam and Matt to aid you. But just know this Y/N:  ** _if Takashi Shirogane flies this mission, you will be held accountable for all consequences that arise from this decision. Good or bad. Do I make myself clear?_** ”

You pulled yourself up from Iverson’s secure hold and stepped back from him, watching him return back to his full standing height.

You nodded, resolute in your stance.

You bought Shiro a chance.

If you could somehow pull it off, maybe…  _just maybe_ … Shiro’s dreams might actually stand a chance at coming true.

“Yes sir.” You gulped. “ **I understand sir**.”


	16. Loving Hurts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hurt me; I'm just an angst muffin who wants the eventual smut to be an emotional time when everything finally works out akjsbfsbvlbv!
> 
> Catch me on tumblr: blackpaladinarchive.tumblr.com or blindedstartlight.tumblr.com :)

Shiro knew he had said some things he would never have  _dared_  utter if he was in the right frame of mind. For the past few hours, his thought processes were all a blur, and the only thing he could be completely sure about ever happening was the gentle carding of his mother’s dainty little fingers through his soft black hair.

Moaning in discomfort, Shiro flexed his sluggish right hand, opening and closing his fist as his eyebrows scrunched up in pained concentration. “Ugh…  _this is not how you were supposed to find out—_.”

“You never intended for us to find out at all, did you Takashi?”

Guilt needled at Shiro’s chest as he registered the hurt in his mother’s slightly wavering voice. He shut his eyes and turned his head from his mother, unable to look at her from the shame of being found so weak. He was supposed to be her prodigy.

He was supposed to be making her proud. He was supposed to be proving to his father that his mother was lucky to have given birth to the man the world now knew as Takashi Shirogane.

Instead, he was sick and pathetic and no one wanted him flying to Kerberos except Sam, Matt and…  _you_.

Shiro couldn’t stop the corner of his lips from quirking up at the thought of you.

But just as quickly as the giddy happiness came through his chest at the thought of you, a rock head dread practically slammed itself nauseously into his gut.

 _‘She’s my girlfriend. Adam and I… are over?_ ’

“Did I… really say all of that?” Shiro murmured, mostly to himself.

Himari withdrew her hand from Shiro’s hair and let out a soft, somewhat defeated sigh.

“Love, my dear, can be a fickle thing. It’s like a bee searching for the sweetest of nectars in a field of beautiful flowers. The flowers all look lovely, and you would definitely survive if you picked the sweet nectar of any of them…  _but still you crave the sweetest of them all_.”

Shiro opened his eyes and blinked up sluggishly at his mother.

Himari tilted her head down and blinked back at Shiro silently, a small knowing smile appearing on her lips.

“Mom, I…  _Adam’s been so good to me for so many years though_ —.”

“Answer me this, ‘Kashi;  _how do you feel when you’re with Adam_?”

Shiro paused and leaned his head back on his pillow. He lost himself in his thoughts for a couple of extended moments as he relived moments of his time spent with Adam almost too vividly. The memories felt comfortable and warm. They felt like something familiar…  _something that could keep Shiro blanketed and safe_.

“I’m safe from everything around me. I’m warm, and I know that Adam thinks the world of me. That’s why he gets mad sometimes…  _he doesn’t want me to hurt myself_. I’m really grateful for his care. I’m really grateful he loves me so much…”

Himari hummed and placed her hand gently atop Shiro’s left bicep and squeezed gently as she made eye contact with Shiro. “And Y/N? How do you feel with her?”

Shiro found himself biting his lip as he drew a bit of a blank.

_Shiro felt nothing._

But then… as he dwelled on the thought of you…  ** _he felt everything all at once._**

Shiro smiled and shrugged slightly, wincing as he jostled his sore arm a little with the movement.

“ _I feel like I’m allowed to live again_.”

His mother laughed softly and shrugged lightly. “These words have come out from your own mouth, Takashi. The choice is all yours now.”

Everything seemed to stop as he truly processed his mother’s words.

Shiro shook his head regretfully, “It’s not so simple, mom.”

Himari sighed and turned her face from Shiro’s. She seemed to spend a few moments contemplating her next word before she spoke carefully.

“ _Remember what happened with Ayumi?_ ”

Shiro felt like his heart turned to rock hard ice as his mother brought his ex-girlfriend up.

“That was different,” Shiro bit out, his tone still soft as he was speaking to his mother. He didn’t want to be completely rude to his one unconditional supporter. “She was dating me  _and_  Yuto.”

Himari hummed quietly and tilted her head towards Shiro, a serious look on her weary features.

“Takashi, I’m sorry. You actually told us all in your medically inebriated state that you were on a date with Y/N on Saturday. You said it was  _over_  between yourself and Adam.” Shiro’s eyes widened as he listened to his mother recount the words that had allegedly left his own mouth only a few hours prior to him coming back to the right state of mind. “Y/N was here and heard  _everything_. She believes that you are lying—.”

Shiro felt his body cool over with lonely dread.

“No…  _I wasn’t lying mom_.” Shiro shuddered, growing increasingly disgusted with himself as he came to the realisation that he was in fact doing something very similar to what Ayumi had done to him when he was just a young soul deep in puppy love.

 _He was two-timing_.

“Y/N and I spoke a couple of hours ago. She had a meeting with Commander Iverson, and she looked exhausted when she came back to tell us she was heading back to the Garrison—.”

“What did she say? Is she okay?” Shiro couldn’t help but ask. He was worried for you. He didn’t know whether he had ruined his friendship with you with his literally thoughtless words. He couldn’t help that his very young, but true, feelings had forced themselves out his lips at his most vulnerable state.

He hadn’t known that deep down he believed his relationship with Adam was done.

He hadn’t know, in a conscious sense, that when he decided he was going to work towards going to Kerberos he was already prepared to throw his relationship away for the sake of his career. He hadn’t known… and now he had to hear it from his  _mother_.

Himari bit her bottom lip gently, worrying the soft flesh between her teeth as she contemplated her next message to Shiro. Shiro felt himself growing antsy— much like when he was just a little boy waiting to hear his mother give him the ‘okay’ to climb onto the kitchen countertop to grab a cookie before dinner.

“She… is very tired. She is also ready to stand by your side unconditionally and fight your battles alongside you—.”

“ _My battles_?” Shiro cut his mother off, alarmed. “What are you talking about?”

Himari levelled Shiro with a stern look, and Shiro immediately shrunk back into his pillows with an apologetic look for cutting his mother off mid-sentence. Himari nodded at Shiro and continued.

“Commander Iverson expressed that your condition has reached a stage where it is most likely going to be impossible for you to be cleared for the Kerberos mission. I don’t know what Y/N said to him but…  _she’s bought you some time_.” Himari frowned suddenly and shook her head. “She’s taken on a burden that might be too heavy to bear, Takashi…  _you mustn’t be so stubborn that you lose sight of those around you_. You’re sick, and that’s a big deal to  _all of us_. We’re worried for you, sweet heart.”

Shiro averted his gaze from his mother’s and nodded solemnly.

“I understand. I’m grateful to you all, especially Y/N…  _but I will fight my own battles_. This is not her’s, or anyone else’s, burden to bear.”

Himari nodded, “Indeed. But, my darling boy…  _the deal has been set_. I’m afraid whatever it is that Y/N agreed to with Iverson… it’s set in stone now. So… all I ask of you is to do your best.  _And do what is right_. Adam deserves to be set free if your heart has strayed.”

Shiro shook his head, thoughts spinning and physically making him nauseous.

_Gods why was everything suddenly so complicated?_

Shiro licked his lips and clenched his fists, feeling as if he was ripping a large part of his heart away and storing it somewhere deep and dark within him for safe keeping.

_For when the time was right._

“I think… I need to talk to Adam when I get back. And I need to speak to Y/N as well.”

Himari’s eyes looked sad as she read Shiro’s tone loud and clear.

“You pick Kerberos over love, don’t you?” She asked.

Shiro nodded.

“It might be selfish of me… but I can’t live my life with any regrets. Adam and Y/N…  _if they want to stand by me and support me, they will. And if they don’t…”_ Shiro let out a defeated sigh. “Then I only have to worry about you and dad.”

Himari couldn’t stop her tears from escaping in neat little droplets down her cheeks.

“Takashi…  _I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you_.” Himari whispered. “The world is a harsh place, and you are fighting so hard. I am so very proud of you, my son.”

Shiro fought his own tears as he allowed his mother to pull him into one of the warmest hugs he had experience in a very long time.

“Thank you, mom.”

* * *

It was Sunday evening when Adam arrived back to the Garrison. Shiro had been granted leave from the medical wing, and was given a five day rest period for his arm to stabilise to the new muscle relaxant medications he was given. Shiro was lounging on the sofa, idly staring at the boring re-run of a deep sea documentary, when Adam burst through the door of their shared dorm in what could only be interpreted as sheer panic.

His dark brown eyes were warm and expressive as ever, with his dark chocolate bangs falling attractively over his forehead. Shiro took in the sight of his long-term boyfriend wearing a simple white t-shirt and blue faded jeans, and immediately felt his heart ache for him.

“Adam, I—.”

“ _Takashi Shirogane, I was_ ** _so_** _worried!_ ” Shiro gasped as he felt himself get hauled up from under his arms before being engulfed in a strong hug from his absent boyfriend. “I told you to tell her! She should have known!  _Gods I knew this would happen_!”

Shiro sputtered as he tried to gently pull away from his over-protective boyfriend. He couldn’t help but smile at how much Adam cared. Shiro felt a deep sadness within him, knowing that he couldn’t accept Adam’s protectiveness if he wanted to live his dreams. He wanted to see Kerberos. He wanted to stand on soils that no man had ever stood on before. He wanted to be a pioneer and he wanted to show the world that the disabled were just as capable than the ‘abled’ to be great.

“How did you know? I mean… who told you?” Shiro asked when Adam finally let go of Shiro and let him back down onto the sofa. Adam sidled up to Shiro’s side and wrapped his arms around Shiro’s shoulders, pulling Shiro’s larger body against his own.

Adam pressed his lips to Shiro’s hairline, and Shiro melted against the familiar affection.

“Y/N called me a couple of hours ago. She sounded like she’d been put through the ringer Takashi…  _there’s a reason I asked you to tell her about your condition_. It’s hard for you ‘Kashi… but, seeing you in so much pain and not knowing why… not know what to do to help you through it until help comes—  _it’s the_ ** _worst_** _feeling_.”

Shiro deflated, guilt gnawing at his bones as he admitted to himself that Adam had a point. Shiro could still vaguely remember the pure panic that had taken over Adam’s usually calm and courageous demeanour. Shiro had ceased up for the first time upon re-entry to Earth from the mission on Mars.

That had happened almost a year ago.

“Adam,” Shiro started shakily, “ _I’m still going to Kerberos_.” He said with finality.

Adam only sighed and nodded, pressing another kiss to Shiro’s temple.

“There’s no telling you otherwise. There’s two years left till launch. Maybe, by some form of miracle, things will get better for you. I just…  _I don’t want to lose you Takashi_.  **You mean the world to me**.” Adam drew in a shaky breath, like he was trying to hold his own tears at bay. “If Commander Iverson and Admiral Saunda recommend against your deployment to Team Kerberos, I will agree with their decision. I don’t want to see you fighting for your life the way you did a year ago again.  _I wouldn’t be able to take it again Takashi_.”

Shiro bit his lip and nodded. He shut his eyes and could only feel Adam’s warmth beside him.

Turning in Adam’s grasp, Shiro lost himself in the soft, stern familiarity that was Adam.

Arms and legs wrapped around each other, Adam and Shiro shared a much needed intimate moment. It was familiar, it was gentle, and it was predictably safe.

As Shiro lay in bed, his eyes glazed over and his chest rising and falling rapidly on the brink of hyperventilation… he made a choice.

 ** _He would stay by Adam and have you as a friend_** … if you could forgive him for his premature slip of tongue.

Shiro knew that if he lost Adam in favour of Kerberos, he could still live with himself knowing that he had given his all to Adam with all his heart before choosing his career over his future with the one he shared a comfortable love with.

You, however…  _he had barely given you anything and that was something he would forever regret if he chose to pursue both you and Kerberos at the same time_.

That night, Shiro made a choice.

He just hoped that he had made the right one.


	17. The Friendly Rival

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fluff between Shiro x Reader comes next chapter, promise! Also, I'm starting to like my rendition of Adam oh noooo lol! (It's gonna hurt when he starts to really clamp down on Shiro's dreams later in this fic nuuuuuu) *sobs* Lucky for us you Readers will be there to pick Shiro up, huh? :D
> 
> Find me on Tumblr: blackpaladinarchive.tumblr.com or blindedstarlight.tumblr.com! :)

You avoided Shiro for months after the ‘I love you Y/N and it’s over between Adam and I’ incident.

In those months, you managed to complete fifteen major research projects and had them all published to notable scientific journals. Your reputation as a top notch academic in the area of psychology and trauma was flourishing, and your future was truly bright. There was no need to be worrying about personal matters while you were being whisked around to present your ground-breaking findings all over the globe.

Commander Sam Holt waved at you from across the conference table you and your academic colleagues at the Garrison were seated at. Admiral Sanda was seated at the head of the table, her eyes stern and her posture stiff. You gulped and returned your gaze back to Sam and offered him a stiff wave in return.

Adam coughed in amusement beside you.

 _How did you end up sitting next to Shiro’s boyfriend again_?

In all honestly, you hadn’t seen either Shiro  _or_  Adam for months, and the familiarity with which Adam was sitting beside you, all ‘buddy-buddy’ was a little unnerving.

“You’ve presented to more intimidating crowds before Y/N; you can handle Admiral Sanda.” Adam nudged you gently with his elbow, and you let out a quiet huff in response.

“She’s probably in cahoots with Commander Iverson. She hates me by proxy,” you murmured softly in response.

You felt Adam perk up beside you, and with his movement, you belatedly noticed that his cologne smelt strongly of cinnamon and forest breeze. It was different to Shiro’s more sharp scented tastes, but it was soft and pleasant to your senses in such close proximity.

“Why would they hate you? They don’t have any real authority over you; you’re a researcher contracted to fill the Garrison’s need for psychological education and preparation.” Adam sounds curious as he recited facts at you.

It had been months since your conversation with Iverson. It had also been months since Shiro had said…  _those things without ever bothering to address the elephant in the room_.

It had also been months since you started to spend hours of your own time researching Shiro’s condition and consulting with his specialist Garrison medic team to improve his chances of seeing his dream of landing on Kerberos through. Shiro was none the wiser, from what you could tell, and Adam didn’t seem to have a clue either, judging by his questions.

You allowed yourself a small relieved smile before you turned your face towards Adam. You examined his admittedly handsome countenance and allowed yourself to shrug rather nonchalantly at Adam in response.

“Dunno—.”

“Alright then, at attention officers.” Admiral Sanda suddenly spoke up, her tone demanding immediate attention. Your mouth snapped shut and you automatically turned your head and body to face the stern woman who had a knack for scaring the living daylights out of you. The severe bun she had tied up under her military cap had you wondering whether her hair was making her uncomfortable. You briefly noted the way that you often wore your hair loose out of pure convenience, and wondered whether you were indirectly offending your senior officer in conducting yourself so sloppily.

Sam stood from his seat directly adjacent to Admiral Sanda and offered everyone a pleasant nod of greeting. “This meeting is to be considered an informal research conference of sorts. We will go around the table and offer to our colleagues brief summaries of the work we’ve done over the past few months in the Garrison’s research facilities.”

A murmur of understanding rumbled uniformly throughout the room, and the Sanda cleared her throat to regain order in the room again.

Gods, the power the woman had over her officers was…  _scary to say the least_.

“We’ve no time to waste. Let us get started with Senior Officer Whitford— any update from the Aeronautics committee regarding your funding renewal request?” Sanda addressed Adam directly.

Without missing a single beat, Adam nodded and leaned forward with confidence.

“No, Admiral Sanda. The committee’s correspondence has been scarce, though I have heard rumours that they are cutting aeronautics funding by half this coming government budget.” Adam relayed confidently.

You turned your gaze to Admiral Sanda and noted that she did  _not_  look pleased at all by Adam’s news.

“What do you plan to do about this then, Whitford?” She bit out, twirling her pen intimidatingly (how does one twirl their pen in such a way?) as she stared Adam down. To Adam’s credit, he maintained eye contact with Admiral Sanda and actually had the nerve to  _shrug_  at her.

“I hold no power over how they allocate their funding. I guess I’ll just have to wait it out.” You  _heard_  Adam shrug his shoulders once more.

You chanced a glance at Admiral Sanda, and she looked about ready to blow a gasket. You almost snorted with contained laughter at how comical you were finding the situation, but you managed to control yourself. You dug your nails into your upper thighs through your uniform pants  and dark grey tunic, willing yourself to remain professional.

Once you gathered your wits about yourself, you snuck a glance at Commander Holt and almost cracked a wide smile at the way his eyes were glazed over in knowing mirth at Adam’s insolence.

Who would have thought straight-laced, stern Adam had it in him? He was really sticking it to Sanda, wasn’t he?

Sanda let out a huff of breath and cut her gaze off Adam’s obviously having had enough of his blatant attempts of annoying her.

“I want to see some progress on the aeronautics space in the next six months, or we’re assigning the program to Senior Officer Shirogane—.”

“Good, the students would benefit from his unique and engaging teaching style—.” Adam began speaking, only to be cut off by none other than an indignant Sam Holt.

“Senior Officer Shirogane is currently in the midst of preparations for a major deep-space mission. He will not be taking on any more teaching responsibilities.” Sam spoke easily.

You felt Adam stiffen beside you, but were relieved when Adam kept his mouth shut. Still, Admiral Sanda wasn’t about to back down. The other academics in the room, including yourself, sat silently as you all seemingly blended into the walls as the Admiral and Commander quickly engaged in a heated discussion before you all.

“ _You_  are not his commanding officer, Holt. You have no discretion  _at all_  over such decisions for Senior Officer Shirogane. In fact, I agree with Whitford; perhaps it is time we transition the aeronautics curriculum to Shirogane. Whitford can focus on his career progression and finally take that Lieutenant Course he’s been putting off for a year now—.”

Sam narrowed his eyes at Sanda and shook his head in disbelief.

“You would stop at  _nothing_  to ensure you can control  _everything_. Admiral Sanda, I  _know_  for a fact that this discussion is only happening because Takashi Shirogane’s medical team has cleared him for short space missions once again.”

“Commander Holt,” Admiral Sanda stated flatly as she stared straight ahead at Arjun Sinha, who was reporting in for the Garrison’s Commando unit, “ _please_. You are letting your emotions get the best of your reasoning and judgment. If you must, you can take a breather outside and step back in when you are ready to conduct business again. In the mean time,” Admiral Sanda smirked slightly and nodded at Arjun—  _who seemed like he was just about ready to bail from the room out of boredom._ “Corporal Sinha— your report please?”

You watched from the corner of your eye as Sam sat back down in his seat with a not-very-well concealed sigh of frustration. You clenched your hands into fists upon your lap and let out your own soft sigh of contemplation.

 _Shiro’s condition was getting better_.

But… Admiral Sanda wasn’t making things easy…  _that much was crystal clear_.

As you mused to yourself, you almost missed the gentle nudges Adam was giving you with his elbow. You perked up after his third attempt at getting your attention, and glanced at his notebook where he was pointing with his pen towards a message he had just written.

His admittedly messy scrawl read:

_Lunch is on me today. I need to talk to you about something._

You gulped at the sudden proposition to lunch, but nodded and moved to write on your own writing pad.

_Sure. Just us though, okay?_

Adam seemed to pause momentarily as he considered your written words.

And then his tan hand moved quickly across his page, his pen pressed firmly against the paper.

_Sure thing. I don’t think Takashi needs to be privy to this conversation anyway. We’ll talk more at lunch. Also, your turn to present is coming up soon— just do better than I did and Sanda won’t hate you as much as she hates me right now haha!_

You blinked at Adam’s message, and found your lips stretching into a small, grateful smile.

So…  _that_  was what he was doing when he was stirring Sanda up.

He was trying to make y _ou_  look good in comparison.

* * *

Two hours later, you found yourself breathing easier out of Admiral Sanda’s proximity. From what you could tell, Sanda was happy with your research output, and wanted you to begin applying your research findings to the Space Exploration Theoretical Curriculum.

Resultantly, you found yourself assigned one class a week with the four Space Exploration cohorts at the Galaxy Garrison. Your immediate thought was to wonder whether the cadets would take your teachings seriously— after all, psychology and trauma research wasn’t exactly tied into physics, chemistry and astrology. Not directly, anyways…

Stepping into a familiar diner behind Adam, you couldn’t help but snort in amusement. Adam shot you an equally amused look over his shoulder before rolling his eyes in good humour.

“Oh, shut up! Shiro and I love this place, okay?”

You sobered up a little when Adam mentioned  _his boyfriend_  so casually, like it was familiar and right to do so. Of course it was familiar and right for Adam to mention Shiro—  _they were together after all_.

“Yeah, he likes the chocolate milkshakes…” you trailed off, your eyes landing and locking onto the corner table Shiro seemed to enjoy sitting at the most. It was located right beside the windows overlooking the admittedly shabby gardens fringing the diner’s outdoor carpark. Shiro could spend a good twenty minutes staring at the dried plants, his thoughts consuming him…  _his eyes shining so bright and eager_.

Adam led you to the counter and gestured at the stool beside him. You pulled it out and took a seat. Adam settled beside you and grabbed for two menus sitting on the counter nearby.

A hum of disapproval left Adam’s throat as he perused the menu.

“Shiro’s supposed to have the carrot juice…  _that man doesn’t listen_.”

You gulped, feeling like you had just outed one of Shiro’s secrets.

“Um… I’ll watch him closer next time—.”

“At the rate you’re going Y/N, it doesn’t seem like there will be a next time.” Adam placed his menu down and turned to you, his eyebrows raised in a soft look of question. “It’s been months since you’ve even  _texted_  him. I mean, I don’t know what happened between the two of you but…  _Shiro’s really beginning to lose the plot_.” The corners of Adam’s lips quirked up into a fond smile.

You couldn’t bring yourself to smile in return. So you turned back to your menu and shrugged, concentrating way too hard on figuring out whether you felt like savoury pancakes or a hearty soup.

“Um, I’m not sure what the issue is with Shiro but I’m not avoiding him or anything. I’ve just been busy—.”

“You’re really important to Shiro, you know? He really wants to talk to you. I mean,” Adam laughed softly, his expression bashful as he reached a hand behind his neck to rub at it as he spoke to you, “I don’t know—  _I find myself getting a little jealous of you guys_.”

If you had taken a sip of a drink prior to Adam admitting what he just did, you would have spat it out in his face and made a complete fool of yourself. Instead, you simply choked on your own saliva and managed to make only half a fool of yourself.

 _Well done Y/N_.

“Shit— are you okay?!” Adam’s hand was immediately warm and firm on your upper back, between your hunched shoulder blades as he rubbed your back soothingly through your coughing fit. Your felt your face heat up in embarrassment as you shook your head, your eyes watering with the effort you spent trying to get your breathing back to normal.

“A-ah, yeah! I’m… I’m fine!” You sputtered, your clenched fists clutching at your chest. “Oof, I swear I know how to breathe. I was just…  _why would someone like you be jealous of a potato like me_?” You asked, unable to help yourself.

Adam levelled you with a blank stare before his whole countenance changed. His shoulders shook and his eyes shut as the rich sound of genuine laughter filled your ears. You felt your cheeks grow hotter as you realised that Adam looked  _incredibly handsome in that moment_  and you found yourself jealous of how  **beautiful**  he really was.

No wonder Shiro fell for him.

He was an exquisite man.

“I…  _potato_?! Why would you call yourself a… potato?” Adam wheezed, laughter still clear in his voice as he regarded you with soft, molten brown hues.

You shrugged, a smile growing on your face. “I don’t know— it just seems fitting,” you grinned back at Adam.

He shook his head at you in turn and patted your head gently, his touch warm and so  _safe_.

Your heart dropped with guilt immediately as you realised that you were sitting with your love interest’s  _boyfriend_. Gods, couldn’t he at least be a douchebag to you so that you could hate him? Adam was  _awesome_  from what you could tell. Sure, he did have an overbearing side, but no one was perfect.

Adam smirked at you and shook his head in disbelief.

“No wonder Takashi misses you. You’re so… cute.”

You grew flustered, “Am not! I’m just Y/N. I don’t get why—.”

“Why Takashi misses you?” Adam interrupted you with a quirked eyebrow.

You nodded, “Yeah. I mean, there’s really nothing to miss.”

Adam actually rolled his eyes at your statement and moved to fish his phone out of his pocket. He held it up so that it was at your eye level before he shook it with meaning before you.

“I’m going to cut to the chase for both yours and Takashi’s sakes—  _he thinks you hate him_. I don’t know why, but he’s pretty damn set on that train of thought.” Your breath hitched as Adam levelled you with a curious, but somewhat stern stare, “Y/N…  _do you hate my boyfriend_?”

You felt like a shard of ice had just pierced through your heart as Adam uttered those kryptonic words to you. Still, you shook your head with clear resolve, your eyes never leaving Adam’s.

“No, I could never hate Shiro.”

Adam nodded in what seemed to be approval.

“I’m glad. So,” Adam waved his phone in front of your face again, “I’m going to call Shiro and I’m going to go  _all the way over there to order us some food_ ,” Adam pointed at the very far end of the counter, very much out of his earshot. “I’m getting the tofu stew, you good with that too?” Adam suddenly asked you off-handedly. You nodded, and he nodded back in acknowledgement. “Easy. Now, I’m going to dial Shiro now, and he’s going to answer.  _Please just talk to him and tell him you don’t hate him, okay_?”

It surprised you to see Adam pleading with you.

So you nodded, even though you didn’t feel ready to talk to Shiro.

Your heart still ached at the memory of his words.

He had said that he loved you.

And though he didn’t take it back…  _you knew that if you spoke to him, he probably would_. And that was something that you thought that you wouldn’t be able to handle.

Honestly, you just wanted to live in your painful ignorance a little longer.

 _But you didn’t want Shiro to go another few months thinking that you_ ** _hated_** _him_. That would just be cruel.

“Okay,” you sighed. “I’m sorry my absence caused such a disturbance—.”

Adam shook his head and reached out to ruffle your hair; a gesture that honestly didn’t upset you in the slightest. In face it felt familiar and warm.  _Why was Adam making it so hard to dislike him_?

“It’s not your fault— I know you’ve been busy. You’re a rising star in the psychology of trauma scene. One of the most brilliant minds I’ve ever known! Of course it takes lots of work and your own time to achieve your dreams. I just thought, if I could grab you now during your down time, maybe you could set the record straight with Takashi. He’s got a lot to be grateful about to you as well,” Adam’s tone dipped slightly as he regarded you with a slightly narrowed gaze.

“Grateful?” You asked softly, feigning ignorance.

Adam smirked in return, “You and I don’t see eye to eye on this whole Kerberos thing. Still, I admire how hard you’re working to help make Takashi’s dreams come true. He’s really grateful to you—.”

Your eyes widened in alarm at the knowledge that Shiro knew you were a large influence behind his miraculous recovery over the past few months. “How does he know? I thought I was being—?”

“— Iverson mentioned you a couple of weeks ago after Takashi was cleared to fly a simple mission with me to the local space station. Ever since then, he’s been driving  _everyone_  mental trying to get in contact with you.” Adam tilted his head at you in question. “I mean, he’s been texting you and emailing you as well. I doubt you’ve been  _that_  busy Y/N…” Adam trailed off, seemingly pondering your inaction.

You bit your lip and shrugged as you lifted your hand and pushed Adam’s phone back towards his chest. You pulled your own phone out of your pocket and let out a rushed sigh. Filled with nerves, you let your thumb hover over Shiro’s contact information.

Without looking to Adam for confirmation, you pressed Shiro’s name and brought your phone to your ear. You waited as the phone rang.

_Ring, ring._

_Ring, ring._

_Ring, ring._

“I’m going to go get our food. Throw me a thumbs up when you’re done, okay?” Adam murmured quietly, patting your back in what seemed to be an effort at moral support. You nodded in Adam’s general direction just as the ringing stopped and a familiar voice sounded through the speaker.

“ _Oh, wow! Y/N, it’s been… so long! Wow, um…_ ” Shiro sounded absolutely flustered, completely caught off-guard by your call. He sounded breathless almost as he spoke to you, evidently struggling to string coherent sentences.

You couldn’t help but smile. He was incredibly endearing.

_You had missed his voice._

“ _Hi Shiro_ ,” you spoke softly, the words only for Takashi Shirogane to hear.

You heard Shiro take in a deep breath before replying to your greeting.

“ _Hi Y/N. Can we talk? Is it okay if I come by your dorm tonight? I mean… only if it’s okay with you! I just… I think we need to have this conversation face-to-face, don’t you think_?” Shiro sounded both flustered and determined at the same time. He was clearly out of his element.

You wanted to be difficult and say ‘no’. You wanted to tell Shiro that he needed to suffer in silence a little longer, because what he had said to you so thoughtlessly affected you far more than you could have ever thought possible.

You wanted to tell Shiro to forget about you and just live a happy life with Adam.

But you couldn’t.

 _Even hearing his voice made you giddy inside_.

 **You wanted to see him**.

Again, before your mind could stop you from doing so, your lips and voice were already doing all the talking for you.

“ _I’ll see you at 8pm._ ”

Shiro paused for a short moment before he acknowledged your words, this time  _definitely_ sounding out of breath as he answered.

“ _Okay… see you then Y/N_.”

You hung up the phone and sighed, shutting your eyes as you felt your entire being flood with guilt.

What the heck were you doing?

You just  _let_  Shiro invite himself to your dorm room. With absolutely  _no_  resistance.

**_What the heck was wrong with you?_ **

You looked up and shot Adam a weak thumbs up.

He returned back with two trays of soup and bread.

Placing your portion before you, Adam took a seat beside you and casually gestured at your phone now idly sitting beside your slightly shaking hand.

“That was quick. What happened?”

You gulped and shrugged as casually as you could, spooning some soup into your mouth and savouring the tangy taste before gulping it down.

“Um…  _we’re going to talk about it tonight_.” You answered vaguely.

Adam didn’t have to know that the talk would be happening in your room.

Gods…  _the guilt was eating you alive_.

You hadn’t done anything wrong though, and it wasn’t like you were going to proposition Shiro in your bedroom either. You weren’t like that at all; especially knowing that Shiro was in a committed long-term relationship with the man who had bought you the nice soup you were currently eating.

But still…  _it felt wrong_.

Like you were betraying an innocent, trusting friend _._

“That’s good! I’m glad Shiro finally gets to talk to his  _cutest girl friend._ ”

You shut your eyes and ignored the innocent comment that turned malicious out of pure guilt in your mind.

Girl friend…  _girlfriend_.

Which one… did Adam mean?

It was obvious which one he meant.

But…  ** _which one did you want him to mean?_**


	18. Blurred Lines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have much to say about this chapter other than... the end is bittersweet fluff. Also, next chapter will contact explicit sexual content of the M x M range (I need to give Adam and Shiro the relationship closure I think they deserve tbh). I don't very often write M x M content because I don't want to portray an cliched experience, but I'm gonna have a go at this next chapter. The whole chapter will not be smut, but I just wanted to let you guys know in case that was something you weren't keen on! I dunno I just feel better knowing Shiro and Adam get their last hurrah before it all goes serious :O (And also, all the feelings would be spent between the two and Shiro and Reader can begin to look forward to fostering a new relationship yay!)
> 
> Come scream at me on tumblr if you would like: blackpaladinarchive.tumblr.com or blindedstarlight.tumblr.com :)

“You knew he was spoken for…” you whispered into the receiver.

After Adam had driven you both back to the Garrison, you excused yourself and shut yourself in your private office to give Colleen Holt a call. She had been the one to encourage your friendship with Shiro after all; she had been the one who teased you about the possibility for something more.

Now she was on the other end of the line, answering your questions. Now you were the one who wanted answers.

You heard Colleen sigh, and you knew that if you were with her in person, she would have been shaking her head regretfully.

“I’m sorry sweetheart. I should have said something, but you and Shiro really hit it off and I didn’t want to ruin that energy.” Colleen truly sounded sorry, but your heart was hurting too much for you to appreciate her misguided intentions.

“It hurts, you know? It hurts to know that everyone knew about Shiro and Adam, and yet you all still let me fall… is this all just an elaborate prank? When will someone jump out and tell me that this has all been some kind of joke?” You hated that your voice began to grow thick.

You had a session with Keith in an hour; you couldn’t afford to have a break down now. You were one of Keith’s most trusted adults, and you were so close to learning more about the young man and his traumatic background.

But how could you help Keith when you couldn’t even help yourself? You ended up in such a huge mess because you couldn’t keep track of your own emotions. How were you to aid in helping someone else regulate their own emotions if you were such a mess yourself?

In that moment, you felt like a failure.

“It’s not a joke Y/N. Shiro’s interactions with you are true. There’s nothing fabricated about how he feels about you—.”

“Stop!” You shook your head, your voice sounding desperate as Colleen’s words sparked yet another startling beacon of hope within you. You didn’t want to be optimistic about Shiro.

 _Adam… Shiro had Adam, and Adam wasn’t a bad person. He was lovely and he deserved the happiness that Shiro could give him_.

“Y/N… I’m sorry.” Colleen sighed, sounding tired. “I just wanted you to have a friend. And I wanted Shiro to have someone other than Adam. It’s been hard for Shiro, you know—?”

“I’m sorry Professor, but it’s been hard for me too!” You interrupted Colleen, your breathing laboured as you finally expressed how  _you_  were truly feeling about the whole situation. “I’ve  _never_ had a real friend before. Friendships have always been conditional. People come and people go. If I didn’t throw in all my time and effort into being someone a  _friend_  wanted me to be, then I became irrelevant. Y/N  _who_? The nerdy girl who couldn’t socialise for the life of her! And now, I finally meet someone who lets me have my space… who comforts me expecting nothing in return…  _someone who sees me and appreciates me for who I really am_ … and I  **can’t**  be friends with him.”

Colleen remained silent on her end of the line as you lightly sobbed into the receiver.

“I can’t be friends with him because  _I’m in love with Takashi Shirogane and he’s playing with my heart right now_!” You finally sobbed, broken and hurt.

“No… sweetheart, trust me…  _Shiro’s not doing this on purpose_. I promise you, he’s not doing any of this on purpose. The last thing he’d ever want it to hurt you. Sam told me something, and please don’t mention that I’ve told you this, okay?” Colleen said seriously.

You sniffled and shrugged as you replied, gaze blurry and unfocused as you tried to focus on your breathing. “O-okay.”

“Shiro  _knows_  that what he said that day in the medical wing hurt you. And he knows that he meant every word. He also knows…  _that he doesn’t want to lose you Y/N_.” Colleen explained gently. You hiccupped and continued to listen to Colleen as she revealed what she knew about Shiro’s standpoint on the situation. “It really isn’t my place to say… but you’re like a daughter to me, so I will because I  _hate_  to see you so heartbroken. I really never intended for you to hurt so much from growing close to Shiro; I hope you can forgive me for hurting you…” Colleen trailed off, sounding close to tears herself.

You shook your head, “N-no… it’s okay. You didn’t know. I’m sorry for yelling at you,” you apologised. You couldn’t stand be the reason for another’s tears, and that in itself was something you had to work on. It was like you didn’t feel worthy of feeling your own emotions.

_Why did everyone else have to come first?_

“It’s  _not_  okay Y/N. You’re allowed to feel hurt, you hear me?  _You’re allowed to be angry and you’re allowed to raise your voice if that’s what helps you vent the frustration_.” Colleen said sternly. “Sam mentioned that Shiro’s been out of sorts lately. He’s been growing frustrated, and he’s been arguing with Adam  _a lot_.”

Your breath hitched in shock. “What? But… they seem like they’re doing so well together…” you pondered out loud, distressed at the news.

Colleen hummed in a despondent tone, “They’re good at putting on a cool facade in the public eye.  _Adam doesn’t want Shiro to go to Kerberos_. It’s looking like he’ll be cleared for the mission by the medic team—  _all thanks to your work behind the scenes_. Shiro’s known this whole time that it’s been you, but every time he’s tried to contact you, he’s not been able to reach you. Sam told me he’s never seen Shiro so anxious in his life. Adam can’t calm him either.  _He only wants to be on good terms with you again_ —.”

“Why am I so important to him, Colleen?” You sighed, tired. “I’m just a woman he met at a convenience store. It’s an extreme coincidence that we’re now working in the same facility—.”

“Not a coincidence,” Colleen corrected you, “Shiro pushed for your appointment; Sam and I provided the references to back you up. You’re doing wonderful work at the Garrison, and doing both Sam and I proud…  _but Shiro wasn’t lying when he said he was a fan of your work_.”

You couldn’t help but snort despite the serious tone of the conversation, “He’s  _such_  a nerd. How can he be such a dedicated fan to a small-time academic researching trauma?” You shook your head in disbelief.

Colleen laughed weakly from her side of the line, “The man’s got his quirks, I’ll give him that. But… Y/N, Shiro  _really_  admires you. It’s all  **real**. It’s not a lie, and it’s not a joke. It’s just…  _complicated_.” She sighed tiredly.

It seemed both you and Colleen were drained by the conversation.

You shut your eyes and gripped your phone tightly in your hand.

“I’m going to be seeing Shiro tonight. We’re going to talk about all of this.” You said.

“Good. Just tell him the truth, okay? Tell him how you feel, and don’t be afraid to really let him know how you’re feeling. As good a guy Shiro is… right now, he’s playing the field and he really needs to know how you’re feeling so that he can get himself in gear and do what is right.” Colleen said softly, though there was a stern edge to her tone.

You nodded, a small grateful smile tugging at the corners of your lips. “Okay. Thanks, I will.”

* * *

“I’m going to be sixteen when Shiro leaves for Kerberos,” Keith shrugged in his seat opposite you.

You sat facing him, your clip-board on your lap and your pen in Keith’s hand as he doodled on a note pad you provided him. You couldn’t see what Keith was drawing, but he was distracted enough to voluntarily start speaking without prompting.

Throughout your sessions, Shiro became a recurring theme in Keith’s conversations.

“That’s… less than a year away. Has Shiro talked to you about Kerberos? About maybe transitioning you to another mentor while he’s away—?”

Keith paused in his drawing for a second, his tongue sticking out endearingly out of pure concentration. Retracting his tongue, he glanced up at you with his expressive purple eyes and predictably shrugged.

“Yeah, but there’s only one other person I feel comfortable with… and stuff.” Keith went back to drawing again, the tips of his ears growing red with his answer.

You raised your eyebrows in interest.

“Oh, well I guess it’s good that you have someone you feel comfortable enough with to open up to—.”

“You do know I’m talking about  _you_ , right Noodles?”

You shot a flat look at Keith, “Dr. L/N.” You attempted to correct.

Keith shrugged  _again_.

“Noodles.”

You sighed, “Alright. Either way, I’m glad that you feel comfortable coming to me about things that are on your mind.” You smiled at Keith just as he lifted his head to glance at you. “I would gladly take you under my wing, but I’m not quite sure if I can provide you the same level of guidance Shiro does given his area of expertise and my own differ so vastly—.”

“Do you have to sound so  _smart_  all the time?” Keith rolled his eyes at you. Breaking professionalism, you looked at the boy you admittedly began to regard as a younger brother. You leaned forward and shot Keith an affronted look.

“Do you have to be so  _annoying_  all the time?” You shot back.

Keith smirked at you and leaned back in his sofa, turning his note pad over so that you could see his drawing.

You stared at it for a couple of moments before your jaw dropped open out of pure shock.

“Wh-what is that?!” You exclaimed, pointing at the picture Keith drew.

Keith simply pointed at the two people wrapped in each other’s embrace in his picture. “It’s you and Shiro. And what you both  _should_ be admitting to want to do—.”

“This drawing does not leave this room,” you stated stiffly, trying to grab for the paper. You noted that ‘Shiro’s’ arms wrapped around your frame very securely in the drawing, and it made you realise that you  _missed_  his hugs. “You’re really good at drawing though, wow…” you mused off-handedly. There was a certain charm to Keith’s doodles that had your inner child laugh with joy. Keith’s eyes and drawings were incredibly expressive, and you were honestly ecstatic that Keith chose to share his drawings with you over anyone else. A couple of sessions back, Keith had even disclosed that he had never shown Shiro his doodles. It took forty minutes of idle discussion before Keith admitted that he didn’t want his mentor to associate Keith with being  _juvenile_.

Keith leaned back, crossing his arms over his chest. He nodded, a self-satisfied smirk on his lips.

“I’m glad you liked it. Keep it.” Keith handed the drawing over to you.

You took it in your grasp, careful not to crinkle it. You looked at it for a couple more seconds before you placed it behind your clip board on your lap.

Glancing at Keith, you asking what you thought was a curious question that wouldn’t be answered.

“Why did you draw it?”

“Because,” Keith replied immediately, his gaze soft and surprisingly  _pleading_  as he looked at you, “ _I want Shiro to be happy._ ** _I think you make him happy._** ”

Shock filled your body, and you were unable to muster words for a couple of extended moments. Your brain processed Keith’s earnest words over and over again, and still couldn’t determine whether Keith was joking or being serious. So you blinked at Keith and tilted your head in clear questioning.

“What makes you say that?” You asked breathlessly.

Keith smiled at you and shrugged, “When he talks about you, he gets this goofy smile on his face. It’s embarrassing, actually.” Keith made a face before he turned his gaze back up to yours, “I heard Adam and Iverson talking as well—.”

“You’ve been eavesdropping in the Teacher’s Lounge again?” You asked disapprovingly.

Keith rolled his eyes at your tone, “ _Anyway_ … Adam even said that he thinks he doesn’t have much of an influence over Shiro’s choice to go to Kerberos. Adam’s saying that he can’t do it again, and that if Shiro goes to Kerberos in the end, then he’s ending it.” Keith sighed, sounding stressed beyond his years suddenly. You bit the inside of your cheeks and listened to Keith without interrupting. “ _I just don’t want Shiro to be alone_.” Keith blinked up at you, his purple eyes as expressive as ever, loneliness plain as day to see in their depths. “I know what it’s like to fight the world on your own. Shiro’s done so much for me… he’s saved me from myself so many times; I just want to do whatever I can to make sure Shiro’s got someone on his side too. I can only trust  _you_.”

You gulped, the burden of Keith’s innocent trust placed on your already heavy shoulders.

You nodded regardless, taking it on like it was nothing.

Your heart ached with conflicting emotions…  _what of Adam? What of Sanda and her opposition of Shiro’s involvement in the Kerberos mission? And most importantly…_ ** _what about what Shiro wanted?_**

“Okay,” you finally murmured, “session’s up. But…  _I’ll do my best._ ” You said resolutely.

Keith’s face lit up with a soft, genuine smile. He looked so much  _younger_  when he smiled.

He needed to smile more.

“Good to hear. I’ll be back next week, same time?” Keith confirmed.

For the first time, you noticed the eagerness in his tone.

You laughed softly and nodded, warmth filling your gaze as you waved Keith off.

“You’re  _always_  welcome, Keith. I’m proud of you.”

 _You loved how satisfied Keith looked every time you told him those words_.

You would  _never_  stop saying them to him.

* * *

The rest of the day passed by like a blur.

You found yourself sitting at your small wooden dining table, your arms folded upon the table and your head resting on your arms. You let out a heavy sigh, one of many that evening, and glanced at the digital display of your phone.

It was 7:55 pm.

Your body felt like it was floating, but it wasn’t pleasant. Your stomach felt like it was doing flips, but it wasn’t exciting. Your skin was growing warm, but it was all because you were prematurely growing flustered.

 _A very large part of you didn’t want to see Takashi Shirogane_.

You learned too much about him and his supposed feelings for you in such a short period of time. And you didn’t know what to do with all that information, because in spite of people telling you that Shiro genuinely thought of you fondly, his relationship with Adam was still intact.

Sure, it appeared that they were going through a rough patch, but you knew that even the greatest love stories only gain character when they survive dire conflict. Perhaps…  _this was Adam and Shiro’s conflict._

**Perhaps _you_  were their conflict.**

A familiar knock on your door startled you from your rapidly spinning thoughts.

Shiro was on the other side of that door.

This was the first time in approximately five months that you would see Takashi Shirogane in person.

 _You hadn’t had your eyebrows touched up with the beauty therapist in three months_.

Gods, you hadn’t been taking care of yourself at all.

Having thrown yourself into your work, you completely neglected your self-care.

Your dark circles made you look like a panda bear—  _and that wasn’t meant in a cute sense either_.

“Y/N?” Shiro called out from the other side of your door. “It’s me, Shiro!”

He sounded so  _happy_.

You sighed and took a couple of breaths to mentally prepare yourself for the emotional turmoil you were about to subject yourself to. You were on the brink of losing it, and you knew it very well. Tonight, you were going lose your cool and say something to Shiro that you would probably regret for the rest of your life.

Dragging your feet, you managed to make your way to your dorm’s door. You made little fanfare of pulling it open, revealing a casually dressed Takashi Shirogane. Your cheeks immediately grew how at the sight of him, and you partly hated yourself for letting Shiro affect you so strongly.

Shiro’s warm gaze found yours, and his smile literally stole your breath away.

“Oh wow…  _hey Y/N_ ,” Shiro nodded at you, his eyes flickering over your features. His lips immediately pulled down into a frown. “Have you been sleeping properly? You don’t look well rested—.”

“I could be sleeping now if you didn’t call this sudden  _important_  meeting.” You snapped.

It was uncharacteristic for you to do so, but you had honestly had enough.

What was Shiro doing with you? After you gave so much to him?

Was he  _playing_  around with your good will?

Was he just taking all he could so that he could lead the best life all for himself?

 _You knew these thoughts were unnecessarily malicious, but they had been swimming in the depths of your conscience for weeks now_.

Shiro reeled back slightly, blinking at you in shock. “O-oh, um, is this a bad time—?”

He was trying to be gracious and considerate, and you knew that, but you just wanted to snap at him some more. You just wanted to vent the frustrated and trapped feeling you had been experiencing  _ever since you had actually met him in the convenience store_.

“There’s never going to be a better time than now. Why my dorm though?” You asked, your tone almost accusing. “Do you think it’s appropriate for a man in a committed relationship to be meeting a single woman in their private quarters, Senior Officer Shirogane?” Your tone was severe, and you wanted to mellow down just a little, but you couldn’t seem to regulate yourself at all.

Seeing Shiro there right in front of you just set something off.

**Months.**

It had taken  _months_  for him to finally talk about the mess that lay between the two of you.

“I didn’t think—.” Shiro sputtered, caught off-guard by your fiery temper.

You rolled your eyes and began talking again before he could finish his sentence. “ _Doesn’t seem like you_ ** _ever_** _think about anyone other than yourself Takashi._ ” You murmured, turning your head to the side. Your vision blurred as you internally shook your head and berated yourself.

You had been the one who put in all the extra effort for Shiro to attain his dream of flying to Kerberos, and all on your own accord. You had voluntarily begged on Shiro’s behalf to Iverson, and Iverson had given you that chance. In less than the time allotted to you, Shiro had evidently shown incredibly improvement in his health—  _all because you wanted to see Shiro fly amongst the glittering stars above_.

Shiro stepped forward, but you didn’t look his way.

“You’ve done a lot for me, and I came here partly to thank you for everything you did for me, but I think I’ve come at the wrong time. I’m going to let you cool down and maybe catch up with you another time—.”

You lifted your gaze and shot Shiro what you hoped was a scathing glare.

“Don’t you dare go. Don’t you dare leave me here again with his huge ass elephant in the room Shiro.” You gritted through your teeth, so on edge that your shoulders were beginning to ache.

You took in Shiro’s furrowed brow and sternly set expression.

 _He wanted to leave_.

You clenched your fists and shook your head.

No.

_This was going to be about_ **_you_ ** _this time. This was about you getting your answers… about getting your closure._

“I don’t know what you want me to do then, Y/N. You’re just attacking me and accusing me, and I’m barely through the doorway!” Shiro raised his hands and shrugged in exaggeration. “I  _really_ missed you, you know? But I thought you were mad at me, so I didn’t bother you until Adam…” Shiro trailed off suddenly, snapping his gaze away from yours.

You boldly took a step forward, your simmering frustration and need for answers and explanations fuelling you. “Don’t you bring Adam into this! He’s done nothing wrong!  _It’s us_! It’s this weird thing we have with each other…  _at least from my side at least…_ ** _it’s not right_**.” You took a deep breath and shook your head dejectedly. “Shiro… this isn’t right. What are we doing here?”

Shiro stayed put in the door way, almost like he was stunned. He mustered a weak shrug, absolutely baffled.

“I don’t follow— I mean, I don’t know?” Shiro let out a soft groan of frustration and combed his fingers through his hair, messing up the usually effortlessly styled do. “I came to see you, and hopefully figure out why you’ve been avoiding me. I’ve got so much to tell you, and I want to talk about your work here too. You’ve been reporting directly to Iverson now, so you’ve got no real need to see me. I…” Shiro stopped and sighed sadly, shrugging again. His shoulders drooped as his entire countenance deflated. “I said some things that were confusing that day… and I kept secrets from you, and now you know just about everything there is to know about me Y/N.” Shiro caught your gaze with his own and blinked at you purposefully, his eyes shining with genuine feelings.

You bit the inside of your cheek hard and nodded, prompting him to continue speaking.

You didn’t feel like talking.

You just wanted to listen.

You wanted to hear what Takashi Shirogane had to say about everything that was happening.

“Y/N…  _is it so bad that I want to protect you from disappointment?_ ” Shiro asked you suddenly.

Your eyes snapped up and you observed Shiro’s body language. He looked drawn into himself, like he was fighting a dire inner conflict within himself. He wasn’t looking at you now. He focused on an arbitrary spot on the ground, and for the first time you saw Shiro truly lower all of his barriers down around you.

You felt both humbled and scared at the same time.

“What disappointment? What could you possibly be trying to protect me from? Shiro,” you sighed, defeated, “you’re not making  _any_  sense!”

Shiro licked his bottom lip, a nervous habit you picked up on when you had first sat with him at his favourite diner, and frowned seriously. “The stuff I said when I was in the med bay was… they weren’t lies. I do feel very strongly for you, and I really value you as a person much more than I can express right now—.”

“But you just want to be friends, and you only ever wanted to be friends. Yet you  _still_  referred to me as your  **girlfriend**  in front of your homophobic father. What?” You accused, pointing your finger at Shiro, “Was I supposed to be some kind of spontaneous redeeming factor for you to save face with your father—?”

“ **No.** ” Shiro raised his voice, effectively shutting you up.

He glared down at you, and you felt a little scared of how he was now looming over you.

“I…  _then what the hell was all that?_ ” You forced yourself to ask, though your voice was now shaking too much to conceal.

“It was all  _true_. Believe it or not, it was all fucking true Y/N.” Shiro cursed, finally letting his frustration out in front of you. Shiro gestured wildly to his chest and patted the area over his heart wildly to make his point. “ ** _I love you_**. But I  _can’t_  commit to you. I can’t promise you a future that might not ever happen!”

Your breath hitched at Shiro’s words.

“A future…  _that might not ever happen_ …” you whispered sadly. Eyes downcast, the weight of Shiro’s words, and the underlying knowledge behind them hit you harder than you ever thought was possible. “So you know, then… you know that Kerberos could be the end of you?”

You weren’t looking at Shiro, and he remained silent, but you could tell he nodded stiffly in response.

“Yeah,” Shiro finally murmured quietly, “but it’s  _my_  choice. Because it’s my life. And I’m grateful that you fought so hard for my dream for so long, without asking for anything in return. Even now, you’re so…  _you’re too good to wait around for someone like me Y/N_ —.”

“You can’t tell me what to do!” You locked your eyes onto Shiro’s, livid. “If you’re allowed to throw your life away for your dream mission to Kerberos, then I can rot here until the end of time waiting for you to be ready to commit to me!”

Your words hung heavy in the air.

The world shook, and momentarily became a blur. There was a dull pain on your knees from a sudden impact, and then there was a tell-tale wetness on your cheeks, dripping off your face down onto the floor boards.

And then his arms were around you, engulfing you like gentle licking flames. Like the sun’s rays, he brought your numb body back to life, rubbing your upper arms as he held you securely against his chest. Your body wracked with hard sobs, and he held your through it all. Your heart felt like it was about to burst; whether it was from warm job or cold sorrow, you weren’t quite sure. Regardless, you got to feel Shiro’s arms around you once again, and you felt like the sensation could carry you through seven lifetimes worth of hell.

“Y/N…  _I fucked up. I’m so sorry_.” Shiro’s voice wavered dangerously, and you knew what you had to do.

You wrapped your arms around his broad shoulders and pulled his further towards you.

“It’s okay…” you whimpered brokenly.

After all, there was nothing else you could say in this situation.

Even if it  _wasn’t_  okay, you had to somehow make it seem okay.

“I’m,” Shiro gulped as his breath hitched, and he had to start again. He still held you close, his face buried between the crook of your neck and your shoulder. “I’m flying in three weeks.”

The whole world stopped.

“Flying  _where_?” You asked, fear and dread clear in your tone.

Shiro held you closer, and you wondered whether he held Adam as tight as he held you.

“ **Kerberos**.”

“Now? Already?  _Iverson said nothing would happen until at least eighteen more months_!” You argued weakly.

Shiro pulled away from you, though his warm hands still held onto your trembling shoulders.

He looked you in the eyes, a sad smile forming on his face as he shook his head.

“The conditions are ideal  _now_. For both pilot and space route. Sam pushed and pushed for this to go ahead, and Admiral Sanda finally budged.” Shiro was beaming now. “Y/N…  _I’m going to Kerberos_. You did it! You made my dream come true—.”

You choked out a sobbing laugh, both devastated and ecstatic, “Oh my god! It’s really happening…  _it’s so soon…_ ” You had missed out on five months of time with Shiro all because you were scared to confront him about the ‘I love you’ incident. Your face crumpled, and you felt like your heart was about to combust and shatter into a billion cold shards of lost hope. “Oh my god…  _what’s your favourite colour?_ Do you drown your cereal in milk, or do you like to maintain its crunchy integrity? Sh-Shiro…” you sobbed, unabashedly breaking down again in his arms. “Shiro…  _we lost so much time!_ ** _I’m so sorry_!** ”

Shiro gathered you against him once again and sighed audibly, though his voice shook tearily as he spoke.

“I… I like purple, but the dark shades. And I like my cereal crunchy—.”

“M-me too…” you whimpered, chasing his body heat as your heart thudded wildly against your chest.

“When I come back,” Shiro whispered against your hair, rocking you slightly in the uncomfortable hunched position you both found yourselves in on the floor, “let’s go someplace nice and order crunchy cereal, okay?”

You snorted despite the devastation you were feeling. “Someplace nice for cereal? Shirogane, you’re  _terrible_.”

Shiro mustered to weak laugh at your comment, and the sound made you smile a little. “I’m the worst.  _I make angels cry_ …”

You shut your eyes tight and shook your head, feeling both warm and guilty as images of Adam’s friendly nature towards you flashed in your mind’s eye. “Shiro… I’m sorry for all the stuff that’s happened. I’m sorry that I made things weird for you and Adam, and I’m sorry that I couldn’t be strong enough to make sure you’d go to Kerberos worry-free.” You sniffed, regret clearly lacing your tone.

Shiro hummed disapprovingly above you. “You don’t have anything to apologise about. I made my own choices, and you made things easier by cheering me on unconditionally. I…  _when I come back_ ,” Shiro stated with resolve, “ _I’ll do what’s right by you_.”

Shiro pulled back and stared you right in the eyes with a tenderness that had you catching butterflies in your tummy. You stared at him in silent awe, eyes burning red from crying so hard. Shiro smiled at you and leaned forward until his forehead was touching yours, and his nose was nuzzling gently against your own.

You held your breath at his proximity, and immediately shut your eyes, wanting to concentrate fully to memories the intimate feeling of Shiro’s skin against yours…  _his breath ghosting against your lips from only inches away_ …

“ _I wasn’t lying when I said it was over between Adam and I._ ** _What we had was very special, and our love was real…_**  but I can’t stand the thought of hurting him with my ambitions, and he can’t stand the thought of being unable to protect me.  _We can’t continue on this way_. We’ll end up hating each other… we’re really…  _over_.”

Shiro sighed sadly, and you kept your eyes shut.

“Did you tell him that?” You asked quietly.

“Not yet,” Shiro sighed sadly. “But I know he’s tired too. I don’t blame him. I’m tired too. We’ll need to talk about whatever’s going to happen between us soon…” Shiro nudged his nose purposefully against yours. “Are we good though?” He asked, hope clear as day in his tone of voice.

You nodded instantaneously, though the hurt and devastation lingered.

“Yes. I…  _I’m going to wait for you, you know_?”

Shiro smiled warmly and laughed gratefully.

“ _Then I guess I’m going to have to make sure I come back for you, huh?_ ”

**His hold was warm, and his words were the truth.**

**He was going to live his dream, and perhaps die in the process.**

**_You allowed this to happen, and if he died his death would be on your conscience…_ **

**_But… he looked so happy._ **

**_He looked at you like you had just given him the whole universe and beyond._ **

You smiled and nodded, “Please.”

Shiro locked gazes with you again, and his gentle hues convinced you to trust in him.

“Okay,” he affirmed. “I will.  _I promise_.”


	19. Closure (NSFW Adam x Shiro)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CONTENT WARNING: EXPLICIT SEX SCENE AHEAD AFTER THE THIRD PAGE BREAK! Adam x Shiro incoming; though Reader is mentioned quite a bit O_O (shirowutyoudoinboyadamistryingtomakesweetgoodbyesextoyou). After this chapter, Adam x Shiro in this fic... is unfortunately done :O But now, Reader and Shiro begin to build on their very touch and go "i love you but it's wrong right now" feels. So yay? *feels uncomfortable but Adam will get someone to love him in turn as well I'm not a complete monster eeeep*
> 
> Scream at me on tumblr about how bad I am lol: blackpaladinarchive.tumblr.com or blindedstarlight.tumblr.com! :D (no, please I'm fragile-- take it easy on me if you're angry pls)

There were only two weeks to go before launch.

Shiro took a deep breath and held it as long as he could before he expelled it through his nose. He was nervous. He hadn’t expected to be anything but nervous; Adam had established himself as a pretty big part of Shiro’s life. Still, he wondered if he could really go through with the tough conversation that was to be had.

The love Shiro felt for Adam, even now, was genuine. It was just…  _hard at the same time_.

It was just getting harder and harder to maintain the love for the initial supportive warmth it had been. Loving Adam became like a game of tug-of-war, where Shiro had to constantly weigh his own ambitions against the ambitions of Adam’s. There was no mutual win in the books for either of them.

Shiro took another deep breath and shut his eyes.

There was no avoiding this break up.

“Rizavi’s father passed away. I think she’s going to be making appointments with Y/N soon…” Keith’s voice knocked Shiro out of his reverie. Head snapping in Keith’s direction, Shiro cocked an eyebrow at his protege.

“Rizavi? The girl who recently got promoted to the fighter-pilot class?” Shiro clarified, interest leaking into his tone.

Keith nodded, “Yeah. She’s all chummy with Griffin. Don’t like her on principle.”

Shiro let out a sigh at Keith’s sharp judgment. “Keith, you need to make friends. I’m sure she could be a good friend if you just tried. Besides, she’s going through a tough time right now, correct?”

“Yeah,” Keith nodded slowly, averting his gaze from Shiro’s. Seeing Keith’s avoidance, Shiro could only sigh. He crossed his arms, and closed the distance between himself and Keith so that the were only a couple of feet away from each other.

The halls outside Iverson’s office were scarce for people and potential prying ears, so Shiro took the chance to have a serious talk with Keith about his future and his need to build up a support network. He didn’t want Keith to be alone, and while he knew you would be there for the young cadet he began to regard as a little brother, Keith really needed to establish good relationships with peers of his own age to get him through his days at the Garrison.

“Look, Keith…  _I’m not going to be around forever_ —.”

Keith glared up at Shiro, his fists clenched in clear defiance. “You  _always_  talk like this. Like you’re not going to be coming back. You talk like this mission is going to be the end of you. Does this have anything to do with those bracelets?” Keith surprised Shiro by grabbing his arm and raising it to eye-level so that his electro-impulse bracer was visible to the both of them.

Shiro pried his arm away from Keith’s hold with a gentle pull and frowned as he lowered his arm back to his side. “There’s  _always_  a calculated risk in choosing to go into deep space. There are so many unknown variables that we’re playing with, and there’s no real guarantee that I’ll be coming back—.”

“You’re going to come back. You  _have_  to.” Keith said, his voice stilted, raw emotion evident in his voice.

Shiro’s heart ached at the sight of Keith trying to hold himself together.

He placed a gentle hand on Keith’s shoulder and squeezed, just as he caught sight of Admiral Sanda and Commander Iverson making their way down the hall towards Iverson’s office with a worried looking Commander Samuel Holt in tow.

“Ah, there’s my meeting panel. Keith, just keep what I said in mind. Go talk to Rizavi—  _she might need someone to relate to right now_.”

Keith stared up at him with his youthful face and deep purple eyes, and Shiro felt like he was failing the boy before he could truly help him. But Keith had come so far, and he had so much potential…  _he’d be okay_.

Keith let out a heavy sigh and shrugged, though his expression softened into one of worry as he took in the sight of Admiral Sanda and her retinue stiffly entering Iverson’s office. Keith shot Shiro a worried look and reached out and gently shove Shiro towards the office.

“Fine. Good luck in there…”

Shiro smiled at Keith, though he really felt like running. Admiral Sanda, Commander Iverson and Commander Holt looked ready to go to war with each other, and Shiro knew that he would be the reason for any tough conversations that were to happen.

Still he held hope, through recalling your words and his promise to you.

He would do well, he would reach new heights, he would live his dreams and then…  _he would return back to you_.

Shiro glanced down at Keith and his smile grew wider at the boy who he continued to watch as his potential grew.

 ** _He would return for Keith too_**.

His brother would not have to be alone again.

* * *

The meeting had almost resulted in Shiro being booted from the mission. If it weren’t for Commander Holt, Shiro could have seen his dream flushed down the figurative toilet. Admiral Sanda and Commander Iverson were very vocal about their disapproval, but Sam stood by Shiro and vouched for him as diplomatically and factually as he could.

It had been true— Shiro had saved Sam’s skin many times since becoming a professional pilot. All of his space missions had been successful, and his recent short missions to the closest space station and back on the moon had proven fruitful. With Shiro’s medicals cleared, and Sam’s insistence on Shiro’s involvement in the Kerberos mission, Admiral Sanda and Commander Iverson could only glare disapprovingly at Shiro and Sam as their meeting came to an end.

Shiro frowned as he made his way back to his dorm from the meeting.

He needed to talk to someone.

Shiro almost walked past the entrance to the Instructor’s Quarters, to head towards the labs where he knew you were, but checked himself just in time. He realised that  _now_  would be the perfect time to talk to Adam.

 _He needed to talk to Adam_.

Walking towards his shared dorm with Adam, Shiro steeled himself mentally, though his body felt like it has just fought a thousand battles. Weary, Shiro barely greeted Adam as he fell onto the couch, discarding his messenger bag beside him.

The tell-tale sound of ceramic gently clinking together signalled that Adam had placed his customary cup of tea down. It was time to talk.

“Is everything okay?” Adam asked, concern filtering through his voice.

Shiro sighed and leaned forward, his head hanging over his thighs as he clasped his hands together in thought. Eyebrows furrowed, Shiro began to explain the situation to Adam in earnest.

“Iverson doesn’t think I should be going on the mission. He brought out the big guns- Sanda was there too—.”

“Maybe they’re right? Maybe it is too dangerous? This isn’t just a mission, you know? This is your life!”

Shiro couldn’t help the exasperated scoff  that let itself out his mouth, “Adam, please. Don’t start this again. You don’t have to keep protecting me. This is my choice, and you know what my final word will be! You know how important this is to me!”

Adam placed his cup down harder on the saucer, and Shiro’s eyes immediately shot towards Adam’s figure perched at the kitchen counter. He took in the way Adam’s shoulders hunched in, and the stiff set of his neck and arms.

It was coming.

 _The argument was coming_.

Shiro promised himself then and there that no matter what, he wasn’t going to back down. Kerberos was  _everything_  to him. Kerberos was what drove Shiro to break all the records he did, and was what drove Shiro to continue fighting against all odds to continue being the best that he could be.

 _Adam, no matter how much he loved him, wasn’t going to take that from him_.

“What about me, Takashi? How important am I to you?”

The question hung heavily between Shiro and Adam.

After a couple of long moments, Shiro shook his head.

“Don’t start this again. Don’t put me on the spot and make me choose like this! If you actually cared about me and my dreams, you would let me do this! You would support my choices and let me live my life—!”

“ _You could fucking die, Takashi!”_  Adam exploded. “You’ve broken every record there is! There’s nothing else to prove—  _you’re the best damn pilot the Garrison has ever known!_  You’re a living legend, and you’re just going to throw that away due to some immature need to prove yourself? You’re fucking  _kidding_  me!” Adam pointed an accusatory finger at Shiro and continued, “I’ve been beside you on every mission, and I’ve seen you at your worst. I’ve seen you screaming and begging for it all to stop, and I’ve had you beg me to end you because the pain was too much!  _Do you know how much that hurt me? Do you know how hard it was for me to see you like that?_ ** _I love you Takashi Shirogane, and I want to spend the rest of our good years together!_** ”

Shiro simply blinked at Adam, outwardly maintaining his cool. Inside though…  _Shiro wanted to fold and admit to being selfish._ He wanted to make Adam happy, and he wanted the guilty feeling he was experiencing in that moment to desperately go away.

But he held strong.

“Say what you will— I have made my decision, and it’s final.” Shiro stared right into Adam’s eyes, unblinking. “ **I am going to Kerberos.** ”

“Well then,” Adam stood from his seat at the counter and slung his bag over his shoulder, “that’s fine. Whatever. Do what you have to do—  _but know that I’m not doing this again Takashi._ I’m not going to go through this again. If you decide to go on that mission, then don’t expect me to be waiting for you when you come back.”

Shiro gulped, his eyes burning with unshed tears as he glared down at the space between his shoes.

“Fine—.”

“I’m going. I’ve got a class to teach.” Adam cut off Shiro’s sentence, striding out the door in a flurry of agitated movement.

Shiro bit his lip, his eyes still dry and burning, though no tears fell as he continued to stare at the ground in both outrage and pained heartache.

 _So…_ ** _it was really over_**.

* * *

That night, Shiro wasn’t sure whether he was supposed to go find somewhere else to stay, or whether Adam just expected him to keep to himself in his own room for the remaining two weeks before launch.

Looking braver than he felt, Shiro entered his shared dorm room with bated breath. He scanned the room quickly and breathed a sigh of relief when he noticed Adam was already in the bedroom. If Shiro could manage it, he could live out the rest of his time before the mission in the living room and kitchen. He was an early riser anyways, so he would most definitely be out of the dorm before Adam were to rise and begin his day.

“Shiro?” Adam’s voice called tentatively from the bedroom, and Shiro immediately froze in mid-step towards the kitchen. Gods…  _all he wanted was a glass of water before crashing on the couch_. Was that so much to ask for? “I need to talk to you.”

“I don’t have anything else to say to you—.” Shiro began, only to be cut off by Adam’s defeated sigh as he ambled into the living room wearing nothing but his boxer shorts. Shiro’s gaze strayed and lingered a little too long on the taut lines of defined lithe muscle on Adam’s torso and abdomen.

Adam seemed to catch this slip immediately, and a small smile played on his lips— understanding clear in his expression. He raised his arm and lazily beckoned Shiro closer, opening his arms up to him.

“Then let’s not talk. Let’s just…  _be together_.” Adam suggested, a sad lilt to his tone.

Shiro blinked at Adam, honestly dumbfounded by the blatant proposition. “Are you being serious right now?” He asked, incredulity clear in his voice.

Adam nodded, “One last time. I just…  _if we’re not going to be together after the mission, I want to remember your skin against mine for the lonely days ahead_.”

Shiro didn’t know how to say no. He knew he probably  _should_  have said no…  _but he couldn’t_. Not when Adam asked so nicely.

**Not when he wanted that closure Adam was offering so badly _._**

_“Okay._ ”

That was all the consent that was needed.

The two men fell into a familiar dance, hands exploring familiar planes of muscle as lips fell in place like lock to key. With practiced movements, Adam and Shiro managed to manoeuvre themselves into their shared bedroom, and Shiro acknowledged in the back of his mind that perhaps his first night on the cough would be  _tomorrow_  night.

A shuddering breath left Shiro’s parted lips as Adam gently pushed him down onto their comfortable, warm mattress and straddled him there between his knees. “This…  _is this really okay?_ ” Shiro had meant the question to come out with resolve, but his tone shook and he knew that he still had feelings for his soon-to-be ex-boyfriend. Shiro’s hand traced up Adam’s arm to rest on his shoulder, his other hand resting familiarly on Adam’s waist. “We’re done… this isn’t right.” Shiro breathed, his dark grey eyes locked onto Adam’s glistening browns.

Adam blinked down at Shiro and raised his own arm so that his palm was cupping Shiro’s angular jaw. His touch was tender, and there was a small smile on those lips Shiro had kissed with no hesitation so many times before that very moment. Shiro’s eyes flickered up and down between Adam’s eyes and his lips, and his own tongue flickered out to wet his dry lips in anticipation.

“I just want to say goodbye,” Adam finally said, leaning down and rubbing his nose gently against Shiro’s. “Stay with me like this tonight please. Can you lend me this last moment with you?”

Shiro’s mind briefly flashed to you, and the way you shook in his arms only a week ago. He remembered his promise to you, for after he returned back from Kerberos…  _if he were to ever return_. He remembered the soft feel of your skin against his, and the warmth of your breath against his lips…  _so close yet so far_.

Shiro tightened his grip on Adam’s shoulder and pulled him close despite his mind warring against him. In that very moment, Shiro just needed Adam to hold him, and to bestow upon him one last time the physical intimacy that represented the lasting passion of their true love.

He needed to feel Adam love him one last time.

“I’m yours for tonight. For the last time,” Shiro whispered. A tear leaked out of the corner of his eye, and he felt a little pathetic for getting so emotional when he already knew that nothing good could come of trying to maintain a relationship built on conflicting values. “Adam…” Shiro shut his eyes and sighed. Adam’s lips brushed tentatively against Shiro’s, and the bulkier man absolutely melted at the feeling.

Their kisses started off with the chaste innocence of their newly budding relationship from years back, and slowly progressed to the confident passion that they were incredibly familiar with until now. In the back of Shiro’s mind, he noted that it had been almost three months since he and Adam had shared any physical intimacy of this kind together. Kisses and hugs were common-place, but their need to be bonded intimately in the past few months had dwindled.

“Try not to call  _her_  name this time. Just for tonight, you’re mine… okay?” Adam whispered against Shiro’s lips when he momentarily pulled away to drag in a breath of air. Shiro nodded and pulled Adam back for another searing kiss. He nudged his tongue into Adam’s mouth and kissed him deeply, angling his head to pour all the lingering feelings he had for Adam into the gesture.

“Mmm,” Shiro moaned quietly, hiking pyjama clad leg over Adam’s waist. Adam’s hand immediately hooked around Shiro’s leg and pulled him in close. Their newfound position allowed for a more sensual dance to occur between their hips as Adam lost no time in grinding his growing erection against Shiro’s own excitement. “Yes…” Shiro gasped the moment Adam pulled away from their lip-lock again.

Adam’s eyes were lidded, and his damp bangs fell across his eyes in the dimly lit room. The moonlight filtered in through the window, illuminating Shiro’s skin, and Adam thought in that moment that the man laying beneath him was perfection.

“I love you…  _don’t do this_.” Adam pleaded one last time.

Shiro’s gaze hardened and his grip on Adam’s shoulders tightened as he shook his head. “I’m going to Kerberos. That conversation is over. I’m sorry—  _mmmff_!” Shiro’s eyes widened as Adam forced his lips over Shiro’s once more, stealing his breath away as he expertly manoeuvred Shiro in hurried movements to remove his pyjama bottoms.

Adam dragged Shiro’s boxer briefs down his muscular legs shortly after, and made no fanfare as he simply licked his lips and gently grasped at Shiro’s cock. Shiro’s head dropped back as his eyes widened, staring blankly at the ceiling. He felt the familiar wet warmth of Adam’s mouth enveloping the sensitive head of his member. Shiro bit his lip and weaved his fingers between the soft strands of Adam’s beautiful dark sandy locks.

At the insistent contact, Adam continued to suck with fervour, the firm yet plush pressure of his mouth and tongue driving Shiro absolutely wild. His calloused hand pumped at the base of Shiro;s cock, providing the delicious friction that never failed to make Shiro’s self-control go absolutely haywire.

“O-oh… come on, give it to me…” Shiro groaned, his legs twitching to part for the main course.

Adam pulled away with a pop and stared up at Shiro between his parted legs with a fond look mixed in with his heady expression. Shiro couldn’t pinpoint exactly when Adam must have shucked off his own boxers, but honestly that wasn’t his paramount concern as Adam expertly hoisted Shiro’s bent and spread legs over his shoulders and bent down to deliver special attention to his puckered hole.

“Do you think  _she’ll_  do this for you? Will she know how to give it to you just the way you like it Takashi?” Adam rumbled sinfully against Shiro’s ass cheek before tracing the tip of his tongue around Shiro’s entrance.

Shiro bit his lip, your smiling face flashing in his mind’s eye, and instead of feeling dirty for thinking of you, it served to increase his excitement. Shiro knew that later he would feel deeply ashamed for using the thought of your innocent inexperience to rouse his libido, but for the moment he couldn’t help but indulge in the thought of you asking him just how he would like it.

Would you dare touch him so intimately, so boldly, just as Adam did?

Would your hands feel soft against his cock, pumping at it tentatively, eyes wide and mouth parted slightly in awe and slight hesitation?

Would you ask to taste him?

And your sweet lips?  _How would your smiling lips feel wrapped around his aching cock?_

 _“Fuuuuck_!” Shiro moaned, bucking his hips as he felt Adam gently ease a finger into his hole. “ _I want to feel you_ …”

Adam gently eased a second finger in, the cool and slick consistency of lube making Shiro shiver in pleasure. “I’m getting there babe, shhhh,” Adam murmured, leaning in to kiss the back of Shiro’s thigh as he stretched his panting lover open. Shiro groaned as Adam’s longer, slender fingers just barely brushed against his prostate, sending his body into a warm, tingling bliss with every instance of contact.

“Fuck me, already!” Shiro moaned, barely caring that he sounded much too  _desperate_  in that moment. It wasn’t like Shiro to rush a session of love-making, but the conflicting feelings between their blatant break-up, and the intrusive thoughts of your mouth and your hands and your body…  _Shiro just wanted to feel the pleasure and then go back to being upset and distant_.

It would be easier that way.

Adam grunted as he allowed his fingers to slip out from Shiro’s tightness. He positioned himself above Shiro, lining himself up with the beautiful man’s entrance before gently pushing himself in with a low, sinful moan. Shiro arched his back into the movement, the burn of initial penetration making his nerves tingle with a sinister pleasurable fire.

He took the pain in stride, knowing full well that it had been a long time since he had been intimate with Adam. Adam was by no means a  _small_  man, and his technique had been perfected to suit Shiro’s every whim over the years of their beautiful relationship.

Overwhelmed by what this final coupling meant for himself and Adam, Shiro shut his eyes and pulled Adam close to bury his face against Adam’s shoulder. Clinging onto Adam’s back, Shiro pulled his legs as wide as they could be spread and whispered in Adam’s ear, his voice hitching with emotion as he spoke.

“Give me all you have…  _this one last time, just give it all to me and don’t hold back_ —.”

Shiro fell silent as Adam thrust into him hard, the grip Adam had on his waist bruising.

Their sounds devolved into moans and pants, and hoarse cries of each other’s names. Their gestures were too rough and hurried to mean anything more than  _goodbye_. Still, Shiro’s mind wouldn’t stop wandering.

He imagined that he was Adam, above you, his sweaty brows furrowed in concentration as he plowed into your tightness— _no_. Shiro would be gentle with you, his hands roaming your body and making you feel good and loved and oh-so-cherished. He’s deliver soft, gentle thrusts to you and watch you gasp and moan for him to give you more, just as he was doing with Adam.

Shiro huffed harshly as he climaxed at to the thought of your pleasured expressions, and as he came down from his high, he heard Adam call his name—  _and the guilt washed over him like a tidal wave_.

Adam collapsed beside Shiro, pulling out and pulling Shiro’s body into a loose embrace. He kissed Shiro’s brow and sighed, and Shiro deflated further, keeping his hands to himself.

“What we had was really special Takashi. I’ll never forget you, and I…  _thank you for letting me feel you once last time_.”

Shiro nodded, and shrugged weakly. “I’m sorry. I wish things could be different…”

Adam sighed and shrugged in return. “It’s okay. I mean, it’s not okay… I mean…  _I don’t know_.”

“Me neither,” Shiro suddenly laughed, a tear escaping his eye.

Shiro shut his eyes, and felt his throat closing up as his mind insisted on conjuring up the debauched picture and sound of you beneath Shiro, his cock thrusting in and out of you slowly, your sweet voice calling his name with a raw intensity that made his bones shake with passion.

Shiro knew he loved Adam.

He loved Adam with every fibre of his being.

But it was also confirmed that while he wanted Adam, for his warmth and comfort and protection…

 _He knew that the person he needed if he was every to come back from Kerberos alive…_ **was you**.


	20. The Promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adam and Reader have some #realtalk and "the incident" is mentioned.
> 
> Gods the drama and angst in this fic is reaching epic proportions lol! Thank you for sticking around so long xD The launch will come NEXT chapter-- this one's kinda setting up future events and tying up some loose ends haha! ENJOY! :)
> 
> Scream at me on tumblr? blackpaladinarchive.tumblr.com :)

“So, I heard Senior Officer Shirogane’s gotten the boot from his dorm… He’s only got four days until launch, but I heard Senior Officer Whitford broke up with him for choosing Kerberos over their relationship. I mean… it’s such a tough call. Love, or your dreams—.”

Your ears immediately honed in on the idle chatter within the Garrison’s halls. Your gaze flickered towards the two cadets gossiping just outside their classroom. Narrowing your eyes at them, you crossed your arms and raised your eyebrows at them.

“Don’t you guys have studying to do?”

The two cadets turned towards you, looking like deer caught in headlights. “I, u-um… yes ma’am. Sorry Officer L/N. We’re going now,” the shorter cadet stuttered before pulling his friend along into the classroom with him.

You watched the two retreat into the safety of their study hall room and sighed, shoulders deflating.

It had been quite some time since you last saw Shiro face-to-face. Every time you thought about sending him a text message, or giving him a call to see how he was holding up, you chickened out before you could follow through on the thoughts.

You did catch glances of Shiro here and there around the Garrison grounds, but your interactions were sparse. Shiro was often accompanied by higher ranking officers, and his medical team, all their brows knitted together and their mouths running in deep conversation as they passed by from afar.

Truly, you and Shiro were living completely different lives.

Sighing, you made your way down the winding halls towards your personal office in the Laboratory Block. You had fully intended on spending a couple of hours catching up on reading notable scientific articles on the effects of acute trauma and memory recall when you quite literally ran into the hard, warm back of a familiar presence.

He turned to you, his sandy brown hair and beautifully tanned features looking forlorn and hopeless. In all honestly, he looked like he hadn’t slept for days. Eyes bloodshot, and dark circles down to the tops of his cheeks— he really looked a right mess.

You gulped, holding your Garrison-issued tablet tightly in your hands.

“Adam…  _are you okay?_ ” You asked, your voice shaking as you knew his answer before he even said it.

Adam’s face crumpled, and the first of his tears fell down his cheeks. His shoulders heaved with heavy sobs, and he shook his head.

“No,” he whimpered, and your heart seemed to be rendered in two right there and then, “he’s going…  _and he might never come back!_ ”

* * *

As per the code of ethical practice, you swore to see each and every one of your clients through a professional lens. All pre-conceived judgments, past misgivings and relationships with your clients were to be pressed deep inside during consultations. If possible, it was best practice to simply refer clients you knew on a personal capacity to other psychologists.

Too bad you were the only psychologist available.

Adam Whitford was in a bad place, and you needed to render immediate psychological support.

But… the things had had told you  _hurt_.

You had no right to feel upset or betrayed or wronged in any sense. Adam and Shiro had been in a long-term relationship with one another. They shared a dorm, for goodness’ sake! Of course they were going to have explored their love for each other in a physical sense.

 _Of course they would have been familiar with each other on a deep physical level_.

**Of course they would have had sex.**

Adam sniffled, his whole stature slumped over his lap, his head hanging between his knees as he fought to regain his composure. You simply sat opposite him, the small round coffee table sitting between the two of you unassumingly. The green pot plant was collected dust, and usually you wouldn’t have the time or attention span for flora to care, but in that moment where you wanted to be anywhere other than sitting opposite Shiro’s ex-boyfriend…  _anything could prove a worthy distraction_.

“I’m just…  _how could he_?” Adam raised his gaze up, his deep brown eyes looking up at you imploringly.

You shook your head, hoping that the expression currently on your face was one of sympathy. “I’m not here to pass judgment, Adam. Talk me through your feelings?” You prompted as gently as you could.

In all honestly, you didn’t want Adam to talk about his break-up with Shiro. You didn’t want to be Adam’s confidante, knowing that you were secretly swelling inside knowing that Shiro was now, put crudely,  _free real-estate_. You almost screamed at yourself for the selfish, appalling thought. How could you be thinking about your own personal gain when a man so broken was sitting opposite you, sobbing his heart out?

“I just… we started off best friends, you know?” Adam heaved in a deep breath, stuttering it out as he exhaled. Only able to watch on, you nodded and encouraged him to keep spilling his innermost thoughts. “We did everything together, and even when we found out about his condition, I was the one who stood by him and protected him.  _So why did he choose to leave?_ ” Adam sighed brokenly.

You licked your lips, speechless. You didn’t know what you could do or say in both personal and professional capacities to make things better for Adam. Essentially, Adam could possibly be seeing off the love of his life for the last time ever. Even you knew that the mission was a risky one— Takashi Shirogane was the best damn pilot the Garrison had ever produced, but he was still a fallible human. He wasn’t going up into space, to Kerberos, at one-hundred percent peak condition.

Shiro was sick.

And you still encouraged him.

You still fought for his dream

You made the futile, out of reach destination of Kerberos, somewhat possible for Shiro.

You drew in a shuddered breath and stared down at your clipboard, your shoulders and neck tense from the burden of Shiro’s life weighing heavy on your being.

“I guess,” you started off softly, “it’s hard for you to see Shiro choose to do something that could endanger his life. You care for him deeply, and it’s clear that you do…” you trailed off momentarily as you felt your heart pang with empty longing and extreme guilt. “Sometimes, though… you just need to let people go. Let them do their own thing, so that they hold no resentment towards you, and no regrets. Even if it hurts, and even if it feels like it’s the wrong thing to do…  _don’t crush a dream._ You want Shiro to remember you fondly, no matter what the future holds for him… and he will. I  _know_  that he will—.”

“I told him that if he chooses to go on that mission, I won’t be waiting for him when he comes back. And…  _I don’t think I can wait for him Y/N_.” Adam’s breath hitched once more with heavy emotion. You shut your eyes and shook your head, breaking professional protocol as you let your true emotions show through in response to Adam’s pain.

“You threw an  _ultimatum_  at him?” Your words came out incredulous. You really couldn’t help yourself.

Adam was upset, and that much was clear to anyone who even laid eyes on him—  _he had every right to be upset_ — but to throw such an ultimatum at Shiro…  _to pick between his love and his dream_ …

“I needed my answers,” Adam answered, his tone serious yet small.

You raised your gaze, a look of disbelief on your features.

“The way you sought those answers…  _was cruel_.” You commented, honest and uninhibited.

Adam screwed his eyes shut and shook his head. Tears escaped his eyes and slid down his cheeks, trails of sorrow silvering in the sterile white lighting of your counselling room.

“I couldn’t… I just wanted him to end it with me,” Adam’s shoulders hunched further forward as he spoke. He was barely audible, but you honed in on the muffled sound of his voice and made sense of his words. “ _He stopped smiling with me…_ ** _the way he smiles with you_.** ”

“Adam, I really doubt that was the case—.”

“ _HE SAID YOUR NAME WHEN WE WERE FUCKING A FEW MONTHS AGO!_ ” Adam finally exploded, his eyes wide and pupils seemingly shaking as he confronted you with a fact that seemed to have been haunting him for a long time.

Your jaw dropped, and you lost your grip on your trusty clip board.

Lost for words, you could only gape at Adam as he shook before you, his eyes never leaving yours.

Trying to rectify the situation, you shook your head— in complete denial.

“You must had misheard him…  _that’s absurd Adam_ —!”

It  _had_  to have been a mistake. Why would Takashi Shirogane call _your_  name in the midst of a passionate embrace with his long-time boyfriend?

 _I love you_.

His words echoed through your mind, his tone soft and gentle and warm. Takashi Shirogane…

He loved you.

Your heart ached at the sight of Adam.

He looked so broken, and so irreparable— and you were at a loss as to what you were supposed to do in such a situation.

“Y-you… I can’t even hate you, Y/N.” Adam shook his head regretfully, a small smile forming on his lips. “I can’t hate anyone… not even myself. It’s just something that was so beautiful, it was too good to be true. Shiro and I… it all fell into place too perfectly. This was bound to happen, you know? I just became selfish, and I hurt Shiro because of my selfishness…  _my Takashi is leaving and might not be coming back and I don’t know what I’m going to do if anything happens to him Y/N_ …”

You bit the insides of your cheeks, and you tasted blood. The rusty taste grounded you, and you gulped before making eye contact with Adam. You sighed, and felt your muscle coil up with nervous tension.

Gods, you were so out of your depth…

You didn’t know  _how_  you were going to deal with this highly personal situation, full of conflicts of interest.

“I think,” you murmured gently, “Takashi Shirogane is his own person. He’s a brilliant, strong, confident, and wonderful person. I trust his abilities completely. And I think, to be honest, you broke his heart time and time again every time you expressed that you doubted his ability to succeed.”

There it was.

Your real thoughts on the matter.

Adam stared at you for a few extended moments, and an irrational part of you was just waiting for Adam to stand up, stride over to you, and grab you by the collar to shake you and scream at you for how wrong you were about his relationship with Shiro.

But he surprised you with a small laugh, and a defeated nod of his head.

“And that’s why he fell in love with you, Y/N. Because  _you_  trusted in  _him_.” Adam’s breath hitched, and his shoulders shuddered for a couple of minutes as he silently cried. When he finally raised his bleary eyes up to lock with your gaze, he smiled weakly at you. “ _Aren’t you worried though? Aren’t you worried that he’s not going to come back?_ ” Adam asked you, sounding very much like a sad child asking his parents for all the answers in the world.

As helpless as a confused parent, still trying to escape the uncertainties of childhood themselves, you nodded stiffly.

“Of course. I’m terrified, but I also want to see Shiro live his dream. I want to see him conquer heights and feats that no man could ever even imagine. I’m scared, but I also trust in him.  ** _I trust in Takashi Shirogane with all my being_**. He’s going to come back. He promised me he would.”

Adam smiled back at you, looking tired, but satisfied.

“Well then… if I can’t be there to greet Shiro after a successful trip to Kerberos and back, I can rest well knowing that an incredible person like you will Y/N.”

You couldn’t help but tear up at the sheer trust in Adam’s voice as he addressed you.

“Adam… I…  _I’m sorry about your break up_.”

Adam shook his head at you, his expression wistful and bittersweet.

“Don’t be. We’ve said our goodbyes. It’s done now, and I feel better after speaking to you as well. This therapy thing really works— who would have thought?” Winking weakly at you, Adam sighed and stood up. Smoothing his grey uniform out, he extended his hand towards you. “No hard feelings, okay?”

Biting your lip, you nodded and grasped Adam’s warm hand in your own.

“You’re a good man, Adam. No hard feelings—.”

“Just one thing,” Adam cut you off, his voice taking on a frantic tone. You paused and nodded, attentive to his next words.

“Hm?”

Adam’s gaze was intense as he stared into your eyes. You wanted to blink, but you were afraid to disrupt the intense seriousness of the atmosphere.

You wanted to show Adam that  _whatever it was he was about to say, you would make good on his word_.

“ ** _Don’t be like me. Don’t ever give up on Takashi Shirogane_.** ”

Your response was instantaneous.

You nodded in agreement, “I won’t. I promise.”


	21. The Final Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shiro x Reader smut-- calm before the storm hehe :) Confessions are had and promises are made before the big launch day :)
> 
> Come scream at me on tumblr about how cruel I am eeeeep: blackpaladinarchive.tumblr.com <3

The conversation you had with Adam continued to ring clear in your mind, and all you could think about was the fact that Shiro had said your name whilst in the throes of passion with his long-time boyfriend. The day before the launch came sooner than you had thought it would, and you desperately found yourself wanting to turn back time so that you had some more time to plan for Shiro’s safe return back to Earth.

Except that was not possible in any way, shape or form. Time had run out, Shiro was preparing for launch, and the press were having a field day with hyping up the Garrison’s most ambitious deep space exploration since Jupiter. Kerberos was a big deal, and whilst the rest of the Garrison’s people were up to their ears in excitement, you and Adam stood off to the side with worried expressions on your faces.

Adam slouched against the wall of the staff lounge and stared at the live broadcast on the television. Shiro looked as handsome as ever, with an excited glint in his eye as he expertly explained the controls of their space craft, their flight trajectory, anticipated delays and over-all predictions about the success of the mission.

 _“Do you believe that your mission to Kerberos, along with Commander Holt and Cadet Holt will be successful? What do you think you will find on a moon so far away?”_ The reported asked, curiosity turned up loudly in her voice.

Adam scoffed beside you and rolled his eyes at the reported on the screen.

“She’s totally trying to hit on Takashi,” Adam turned to you, his eyebrows raised, his arms still folded defensively in front of him, “you should rock up on the podium and pull her hair out. Like on those dramatic reality shows—.”

You snorted in amusement and shook your head at Adam’s absurd comment.

“Um, nah. I don’t think so, buddy.” You patted Adam’s shoulder gently and then let your hand fall back down limply at your side. You continued to watch the live broadcast with muted interest, the building worry in the pit of your stomach making you feel queasy. You frowned and shrugged weakly, “I’m really worried, Adam. I feel like I’m sending Shiro to his death…”

“He chose this path on his own. You just helped him stay on it when external forced tried to kick him off his path. You didn’t force his hand, and you need to understand that, Y/N.” Adam’s hand came to a rest on your shoulder, and his grip was warm and gentle as he squeezed you gently in supportive solidarity. “I mean, look at how happy Takashi is. He’s so cute…” Adam trailed off wistfully, his hand still resting on your shoulder.

You were faintly aware of how spicy and warm Adam smelled beside you as you nodded almost dreamily, “Yeah, Shiro’s adorable…”

Adam squeezed your shoulder and you blinked to snap yourself out of your stupor. You turned to Adam in alarm and noted the small smirk playing on his lips. “You know when he’s most adorable?”

Your eyes widened as you quickly realised where Adam was going with this particular conversation. It had been a week since Adam had confided in you and come clean to you about the feelings he had surrounding his break-up with Shiro. Since then, it appeared that Adam had tasked himself in educating you on the more  _finer_  and  _private_  details of Shiro’s personal taste.

In all honesty, you weren’t entirely sure as to whether you had any right knowing that Shiro moaned the loudest when his legs were spread and his cock was being firmly pumped with a tight-enough fist grip…

You withheld a moan at the mere thought of Shiro on his back, at your mercy, reminding yourself that the incredibly lewd thoughts your mind was being assaulted with (courtesy of Adam Whitford; that devil of a man) were  _highly_ improper.

You shut your eyes and shook your head.

“No. No I do  _not_  want to know Adam,” you turned to Adam and glared at him, to no effect. “Shut up Adam.”

Adam’s grin grew wider and he leaned down slightly so that his handsome features were only inches away from your own face. You held your glare and slowly shook your head again, in a non-verbal attempt to dissuade him from revealing yet another explicit and intimate secret about Takashi Shirogane.

As if you weren’t already having a hard time keeping your hands out of your pants at the mere thought of Takashi Shirogane’s existence…

Adam nodded and let out a breathy laugh, and it was then and there that you knew you were doomed.

“When he’s getting the life fucked out of him. He makes the most adorable sounds.  _I hope you like the idea of a strap-on, because when Shiro’s back from Kerberos you’re going to be using it on him a lot_ —.”

“ADAM!” You screeched, flailing your arms at him as your mind conjured up a vivid image of Shiro’s broad muscular back arched and his incredible ass presented to you of all people for the taking. “Oh my gods…  _shut up_!” You whined, absolutely scandalised. “Oh my god, I feel all light headed now…”

“Do you need to jerk off now? Or rub one out? Is that how people with vagina’s get off? Is it true that the clitoris is where all the magic happens?” Adam asked, his tone nonchalant. You narrowed your eyes at Adam and folded your arms defensively in front of you. One thing you quickly learned about Adam was that he only looked sophisticated when he was in a professional of unfamiliar setting. The moment he got comfortable, Adam was loose lipped and incredibly flippant.

It was an interesting dynamic to say the least. Despite being victim to his surprise verbal debauchery, you were happy that Adam felt comfortable enough around you to speak freely. Besides, as much as you refrained from validating Adam’s raunchy tales about Shiro, you were incredibly grateful for the fact dump.

You had many lonely nights ahead of you, the bed space beside you was certainly cold to the touch. All you had to do was shut your eyes and think of Shiro, his body flushed and slick with rivulets of sweat as he arched into your exploratory, curious touch…

“Oh my god! Adam…  **shut up**!” You chided yourself, shoving a knowingly grinning Adam away from you. You heard him laugh, deep and dry, and you found yourself wondering if Shiro was often victim to Adam’s overtly sexual nature. You could just imagine how raunchy the dirty talk probably got between the two…

_Maybe Shiro was just as sexually inclined as Adam?_

Your eyes widened as a thought from the past hit you hard: _maybe Adam was the influence that turned Shiro into an infamous sex fiend on the internet… just like your initial Google searches of Takashi Shirogane had hinted towards…_

You imagined Shiro’s friendly tone turning deep and dark, his lips brushing against the fragile curve of your neck as he groaned against your skin. “ _I’m going to fuck you so deep…_ ”

Squeaking, you pressed your thighs together, noting that you were most definitely aroused by the mere thought of Shiro asserting his dominance over you. Damn Adam for planting such thoughts into your mostly innocent mind!

“What are you thinking about? Shiro?” Adam asked, amusement clear in his tone.

You pouted, your core throbbing in need as you reached out to slap your new and very inappropriate friend and confidante in retaliation. Gods, he needed to stop before you eventually caved and took care of yourself in a semi-public setting. So far, you had exercised enough self control to wait until you were in the private confines of your Garrison dorm. However, you were already on edge— what with Shiro about to be blasted off into space with no guarantee of making it back to Earth alive.

You cleared your throat and began to speak, your voice sounding small as you spoke to the ex-boyfriend of the man you were so clearly in love with from all angles and aspects.

“You think…  _he’s going to have a little private time before the launch?_ ”

Adam was quiet for a couple of seconds, and part of you waited for Adam to strike out at you harshly with his words. Part of you thought that he was formulating the harshest words possible to direct a clear attack on your clearly adulterous intentions with his ex-boyfriend.

“I think so,” you felt Adam push off the wall beside you, and then he was standing in front of you, his hands gently lowering over your shoulders as he stooped down to look you in the eyes. There was a wistful expression in his eyes— a sense of regret and sadness— but that quickly went away as he smirked down at you knowingly. “ _Make that private time count, Officer L/N._ ** _Give him one hell of a send-off that he can keep away in his memories with no regrets_**.”

You felt your cheeks heat up at Adam’s encouragement, but you steeled yourself and nodded your head— absolutely determined to follow through with your intentions.

No regrets.

_Absolutely no regrets._

Shiro had told you that he loved you.

It was time you  _showed_  him just how you felt in return.

You looked straight into Adam’s eyes, and nodded resolutely, making up your mind once and for all.

“Yes sir.”

Adam let go of your shoulders and took a step back from you, his eyebrows rising up and down suggestively. “I want all the details when you’re done with him. Fuck, imagining him with a woman for the first time…  _fuck that’s hot_.” His gaze roamed up and down your body appraisingly, and you bit your lip and shrugged, slightly embarrassed under Adam’s intense scrutiny.

_Just what on Earth was going on here?_

“Uh, um… I’m going to go now.” You stepped away from the wall and towards the exit, only to be stopped by Adam’s gentle grip on you wrist. You turned your head slightly to shoot Adam a questioning gaze, and he returned your look with an encouraging smile.

“But seriously, all jokes aside Y/N…  _make sure he knows how_ ** _you_  ** _feel before it’s too late, okay?_ ”

You smiled in return, and nodded gently.

“Okay. Thank you Adam. You’re… really wonderful.” You frowned, feeling bad. “I’m sorry—.”

“Don’t.” Adam cut you off abruptly. His jaw was set, stern and professional— holding his emotions back as he levelled you with a determined look. “That chapter’s over now. I’ll get over it. You’re a good woman, and Takashi’s a good man. Now go and blow his mind—  _literally_.”

You couldn’t help but giggle in embarrassment as you nodded.

“Fine, fine! Okay… um…  _thank you_.”

Adam smiled at you in return, and simply nodded.

“No…  _thank you Y/N_.”

* * *

The sun had set, the reporters had driven off with their hottest scoop on the mission to Kerberos, and you were on your way towards your dorm, phone clutched in your sweaty grip. You took in a shuddering breath and exhaled shakily as you turned the screen up towards you and glanced at the text message you had just sent to Shiro only a few seconds ago.

_“Meet me at my dorm in thirty minutes if you can. I want to give you something before you go on your mission tomorrow.”_

You licked your bottom lip and sighed quietly, moving to tuck your phone back into your pants pocket. Swiping your ID card through the slot on your dorm’s door, you quickly pulled the door open and shut it behind you. Without stopping, you boldly made your way into your bedroom before your mind could psyche you out of what you were planning to do.

Clothes of the day quickly stripped off your body, you jumped into the shower and used a liberal amount of your favourite berry-themed body-wash on your skin, and rinsed the lather off your body.  Using the similarly themed shampoo on the floor of your shower, you lathered your hair and washed  it quickly, satisfied with the sweet smell emanating off your body. Shutting the water off, you stepped out of the shower quickly and got to drying your body off as best as you could. Next, you dried your hair as much as you could with your damp towel before grasping at your hair dryer and haphazardly drying your hair as best as you could.

Hair still slightly damp at the end of your impromptu session with the hair dryer, you made your way back out to your room and fished around your drawers for  _the_  lingerie set you had bought that day at the shopping mall with Shiro without his knowledge.

Gods, if he had known about the flimsy peach silk g-string two-piece with black lace detail at that time, you might have actually died of embarrassment. Honestly, at the time, you just bought the underwear out of impulse because it looked pretty—  _but now you had other plans for the unassuming yet naughty underwear set._

The lace felt like a gentle caress against your skin as you pulled the garments on. The silk was initially cool against your sensitive skin before it absorbed your body heat. You were sure that your whole body was growing warm in a flush of embarrassment at your bold idea. Crossing your legs at your ankles, you sat at the edge of your bed with your hands folded loosely on your upper thighs.

You glanced at the clock and noticed that if Shiro accepted your invitation, he would be by within a couple of minutes. You took in another hitching breath and tried your best to calm your nerves as you mentally ran through exactly what you were going to say and do with Takashi Shirogane tonight so that he would know  _exactly_  how you felt about him and exactly what he meant to you.

With Adam’s blessing, and Shiro’s confession regarding his feelings about you, you felt a little more confident about what you were about to do. Still, you definitely weren’t the promiscuous type, and you were rather inexperienced with regard to anything pertaining to sexual intimacy.

Still, you were a young, curious woman. You had watched your fair share of porn. You were a smart woman—  _how hard could sex really be?_

As you pondered all of this, your buzzer rang and your thoughts immediately came to a stand still.

_Shiro was on the other side of that door._

**_He actually came_**.

You considered throwing a bath robe on before answering the door, but decided against it very quickly as you knew that you only had one shot at making this work from  _your_  side. If you provided yourself with any barriers or form or hindrance, you knew that your plan of seduction would quickly be thrown out.

You wanted to  _be with Shiro tonight_.

That was that.

You wanted to make that message loud and clear—  _the rest would be up to Shiro_.

As you made your way towards the door, your heart pounded heavily in your chest. You wondered whether Shiro would take one look at you and just back pedal away, only to pretend that nothing had ever happened tonight.

“Y/N? It’s me,” Shiro called through the closed door in a hushed tone— it was late after all, “Shiro! Is everything oka—  _whoa!_ ”

You gathered your courage and wrenched the door open, the cool draft from the hallway making you shiver as the sensation hit your bared skin. Shiro’s breath hitched the moment his eyes landed on you, and you immediately felt like your throat was closing up.

“O-oh my god…  _this was such a stupid idea, I’m so sorry!_ ” You immediately apologised, bowing and trying to shut the door in a hurry. Except, Shiro had stepped into the door way, and his wide eyes were still trained on you, taking in your outfit as he used his arm to keep the door open. You kept your gaze down cast, your skin rising in gooseflesh from the cold, and your eyes brimming with hot embarrassed tears. “This must be so uncomfortable for you—!”

“I-is this… for me? Are you…?” Speechless, Shiro seemed incapable of mustering expressive enough words for the situation at hand. You knew you were wholly to blame, and you wanted to offer another apology, but then Shiro moved quickly, his large, warm hand resting gently on one of your shoulders to guide you backwards into your dorm. Your heart pounded even harder, you didn’t even think that was possible, as Shiro wordlessly stepped inside along with you and shut your door behind him.

You heard the click of the lock from inside, and almost cried from relief at Shiro’s implicit answer to your  _explicit_  non-verbal request.

He didn’t run.

In fact, his eyes were still focused solely on your newly bared skin, and the scrutiny was making you squirm slightly under his intense gaze. Your arms moved on instinct to fold over your torso, seeking cover to preserve at least some modesty—  _but Shiro clearly wasn’t having any of it_.

“Don’t… you’re beautiful. I can’t believe…  _is this what I think this is?_ ** _Am I dreaming right now?_** ”

The clear disbelief in Shiro’s tone of voice forced a genuine laugh out of you despite your overwhelming nerves. You bit your bottom lip and glanced up at his face momentarily as you nodded yes.

At this gesture, Shiro actually let out a deep, low groan.

“You’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you? Fuck…  _can I touch you, please?_ ”

You almost whined in desperate need, but opted to nod as you whispered, “Yes… of course. It’s what I want. I wanted to give you all of me tonight—  _I want you to hold the thought of me close to your heart when you’re on your mission_.”

The effect of your consensual words was instantaneous, and your mind was left reeling as you found your exposed skin absolutely ravaged by Shiro’s warm, firm, caressing touches. His lips, however, kissed you everywhere on your face except your lips. It was almost like he was…  _worshipping_  you in some way, shape or form. His hands trailed down from your shoulders, his calloused fingertips trailing down your skin and rubbing up and down your waist to your hips before caressing down to your bottom.

Shiro pulled away from you slightly as his warm hands cupped your ass, and you felt your embarrassment rising to your cheeks once again as Shiro caught your gaze, clearly in awe. His hands squeezed at one handful of ass each, and you squeaked in response, earning you an amused smile from Shiro.

“Who would have known the cute, sweet and innocent little Y/N owned underwear so daring?” Shiro gently pinched your butt, and you whimpered, your knees almost giving out at his intimate, firm touches. His gaze narrowed down on your hazy expression, and he leaned down, his breath fanning against your cheek and lips. “I’m not with Adam anymore. You’re really tempting me here, Y/N, and you’ve got to know that. Do you want to feel exactly what you’ve done to me?” Shiro murmured, his tone hot and deep.

You couldn’t look anywhere but into his eyes.

You nodded, “I want to feel what I’ve done to you, sir—.”

Another pinch to your bottom had you  _moaning_  before you could stop yourself.

Shiro smirked down at you, and your brain seemed to actually short circuit. You were incapable of thought as Shiro stared down at you with clear lust in his darker than normal eyes. Oh…  _you were in for it now_.

“Sir, huh? It’s nice to be in charge for once… you mind if I take the lead tonight? You can tell me to stop whenever you want to. I’ll stop and we can just hang out—.”

“No, I want this.  _I want you_.” You asserted, pressing yourself closer to Shiro.

With hooded eyes, Shiro nodded and gulped visibly.

“Let’s take this to the bedroom then.  _I’ll take care of you_.”

You nodded and grabbed Shiro’s hand. You intertwined your fingers with his and led him to your room with shaking legs. Shiro reached out to steady you every time you stumbled, and you mumbled a quick thank you to him before you finally reached your bed.

Feeling slightly awkward, and at a loss of what to do next, you simply sat on the edge of the bed and looked up at Shiro. “You finally get to see my room.” You recalled how you actually rested on Shiro’s bed for a couple of minutes almost a year ago, and how you had seen him shirtless for the first time.

Tonight, you would inevitably see Shiro shirtless in your own room. And this time, you would be feeling his skin on yours, just as you had so often imagined.

It was funny how fate worked.

Shiro smiled at you, a familiar gesture that made your heart warm with the intimacy of it. No matter how nervous you were, and no matter what had transpired between yourself and Shiro…  _he was your friend before anything else_. You knew him, and you trusted him— and he clearly trusted you.

You were giving yourself to someone who truly valued you. This thought calmed you tremendously.

“Yeah,” Shiro breathed, his fingers working on undoing his Garrison uniform. You watched him as he efficiently undressed, his eyes trained on your face for the most part. Naturally, his eyes wandered over your body, and small groans of satisfaction, as well as hums of wonderment, left his throat as he appreciated the sight of you so prettily sprawled out for him in your panties. Shiro finally shucked his shirt off, his pants undone but still hanging precariously to his hips as he slipped his shoes and socks off before climbing over you onto the bed. “I had you in my bedroom then, and   that was actually when I knew that I was in trouble.” Shiro tucked your hair behind your ear and leaned down, his lips finally brushing against yours in the first kiss the two of you shared.

You felt like sparks were flying around you, and you could hear angels singing softly as you were enveloped in a warmth that just felt  _right_. You moaned softly into the kiss, and Shiro’s lips pressed against yours a little more insistently as his fingers trailed down your body and hooked under the waist band of your panties.

Pulling himself off of you slightly, he gently pulled your panties off, and you helped him get the job done by raising your legs slightly so that he could completely slide them off. You tried to keep your legs shut to maintain some semblance of modesty— after all, you didn’t want to seem too desperate to have Shiro between your legs. Besides, you were slightly embarrassed about how dripping wet you already were despite only being heavily petted and kissed once.

Shiro, however, was having none of it.

He gently pried your legs open, an encouraging smile on his face.

“You’re beautiful… let me see you,” he whispered reverently.

You shut your eyes and slowly allowed Shiro to spread your legs. Your whole body felt hot, and you felt light headed at how excited and nervous you were.

For a few short, terrifying moments, you felt nothing.

And then his fingers were gently massaging your clit, your slick already liberally coating the central bundle of pleasure. Your legs twitched in response and you whined, “Shiro!”

Shiro hummed in response, his gaze flickering between your wet slit and your pleasured expression. He wasn’t sure what he was enjoying more.

“Yes?” His voice sounded ragged and worn, like he had just run a marathon.

You knew then and there that you didn’t want to waste any time on foreplay. You wanted the main event. You wanted Shiro inside you.

You spent so long pining for this man; loving this man with everything you had from the side lines…  _you didn’t want to wait any longer_. You wanted him to take you as his, and only his.

“Shiro, please…  _I need you inside me._ **I love you so much, I just need you to make love to me right now and just take me please!** ”

Shiro paused his movements, and your heart immediately dropped as you wondered whether you said something wrong, or inappropriate by any means. You kept your eyes shut, and your heart felt like it stopped working as you felt Shiro climb off the bed. But then, you heard the sound of his pants ruffling as the fabric was moved and shucked off. And then the snapping of a waist band, and the sound of fabric against skin.

You kept your eyes shut until you felt Shiro’s warm, gentle hands spreading your legs, bending them at the knees as he positioned you. Your eyes shot open as you felt something warm and hard sliding deliciously between your fleshy nether lips, teasing your clit with every slick slide. You heard Shiro’s breath hitch, and then felt his breath and his body’s warmth with his close proximity hovering over you.

“Open your eyes, my Y/N… I want to see you when I take you.”

You obeyed his gentle comment, and you were greeted with the softest look you had ever seen grace Shiro’s handsome features. His cheeks were flushed, his perfectly styled black hair was an absolute mess and his eyes were…  _so full of love for you_.

“Oh my god…” you whimpered, tears slipping out from the corners of your eyes as the relief and happiness you were feeling in that moment began to overwhelm you. Shiro laughed, though he sounded a little watery as well, and it was then that you noticed Shiro was overcome with emotion as well.

“I love you… I’m sorry I’ve got to go so soon, but I love you Y/N—  _nggghh_.”

“Unngghh!” You moaned, the stretch of Shiro’s cock momentarily uncomfortable as the head of his member breached your slick, tight hole. Your pussy quivered and contracted around Shiro’s cock, and Shiro groaned in response to the sensations. You reached upwards and clung to Shiro’s shoulders, overwhelmed and keen for more. Shiro relented to your hold and let you pull his larger body closer to yours as he slowly sunk into you.

“Oh fuck… I’ve  _never_ … this feels so…  _oh my fucking god Y/N… wow_.” Shiro groaned as he bottomed out, panting heavily at the effort he put into controlling his movements for your sake. “J-just a heads up… this is going to end real quick babe,” Shiro grunted.

You moaned in response and wriggled your hips underneath him experimentally.

“S-same… I’ve wanted this so long. I’ve been wanting you like this for so long Shiro—.”

“ _Takashi_.” He interrupted you with a deep kiss, taking your breath away. When he pulled away, he lifted his hips before pushing back in, making you cry out sweetly for him as he watched your face for all your beautiful expressions. “Call me Takashi… say my name. Tell me how you want it.”

You mewled and bit your bottom lip hard as Shiro’s hips snapped forward with purpose. You wrapped your legs around his waist and moved to meet his thrusts inwards with your own grinding movements.

“Takashi…  _more. Give me more… harder, faster… show me how much you want me…_ ” you whispered brokenly, moans and gasps coming out between your words.

His hips snapped forward, and you clung tighter to him. The coiled pressure between your hips in the pit of your lower abdomen burst into a release so colourful you let out a short scream of Shiro’s name.

He didn’t even have to touch your clit. That’s how much you needed him inside you. That was all you wanted in that moment, and Shiro gave it to you.

Shiro’s hairline was wrought with sweat as his hips stuttered with his movements. Rhythm lost, he drove into you with the sole purpose of seeking release, and the warm spurts of his seed inside you had you feeling utterly complete as he moaned your name like a reverent, timeless prayer.

Limbs heavy and minds fatigued, the two of you fell into a heap beside each other.

You tucked yourself under Shiro’s arm, noting the silver band ever-present on his wrist. You traced it with your fingers and sighed, cuddling close to Shiro.

“That was stupid of me… you must have been surprised. I just,” you buried your face against Shiro’s chest, trying to hide as you admitted to your insecurity, “I wanted you to know that I feel the same. And that I’ll wait for you, no matter what. I’m yours, and I’m going to wait for you to come back. I believe in you Takashi, so don’t go out there and die on me, please…”

You shut your eyes, and felt Shiro’s hold on you tighten.

You felt his lips like a butterfly touch on your hairline, and you felt his fingers gently soothing touches down your spine. Relaxing into his touch, you committed the feel of Shiro’s warmth to memory.

“I’ll come back to you Y/N. I love you, and you’re not stupid, and you gave me a really good reason to stay alive out there. I’m so glad to have met you. I’m so glad to have become your friend. I’m go grateful for everything you did for me, even when you were hurting because of me. It’s because of you that I can live my dream, and I just want you to know that you’re honestly… _my everything_. When I come back…  **I promise to be wholly and truly yours** _.”_

You nodded, slowly drifting as his words soothed you.

“I’ll hold you to that, Takashi. I love you.”

He pressed another kiss against your temple, just before you surrendered to dreamland.

“I’m counting on it. Thank you, Y/N.”


	22. The Launch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is long overdue-- I am so sorry, I had so many health and personal issues to sort out; still do! But here's the next chapter, and I'm already working on chapter 22 :) Enjoy and as always let me know what you think if you can spare the time :) *hugs*
> 
> Find me on tumblr: blackpaladinarchive.tumblr.com :D

**_Chapter Twenty One: The Launch_ **

The day had finally come.

With all the press conferences done, and all preparations complete, all Commander Samuel Holt, Senior Officer Takashi Shirogane and Cadet Matthew Holt had to do was suit up, and board their vessel to Kerberos. Up until three hours till launch, the three men were free to spend their time however they pleased. As such, Takashi Shirogane found himself snuggled up in bed, warm soft skin against his own, and clinging arms around him, unwilling to let go.

Shiro smiled and allowed himself to wrap his arms around you, pulling you closer to his body, allowing him to gently wrap one of his legs around your own. You wriggled slightly in his hold, and scrunched your nose in your slumber before wriggling even closer against his chest before relaxing once more, a small smile of contentment on your face.

Before he could stop himself, his eyes burned with unshed tears, and he felt his heart soar.

This wasn’t about sex. It wasn’t about a conquest.

No…

 _You told him the words he dreamed of hearing from your lips:_ ** _I love you_**.

He’d heard the words before; of course he had. His relationship with Adam had not been an empty one by any means at all. Still, what he felt with you was different. With you, Shiro felt  _valid_.

“Mmmm,” you squirmed closer beside Shiro, and he suddenly found himself aching severely inside. If it were possible, he would spend another night with you, learning all about you. He would learn the planes of your body, and the chemistry that lit the fires of passion between you and he. Shiro would dedicate himself to memorising every perfect mark, dip, dimple and curve of your body— if only he had all the time in the world to do so…

But it was the day of the launch, and there was much work to be done.

With much reluctance, Shiro gently pried himself away from your grip. He tried to remove himself so that you would not wake, but he gave you too little credit. You woke almost immediately, your sleepy eyes blinking blearily up at him with sleepy recognition and slowly startled realisation.

Your stricken, sleepy expression broke his heart.

“Hey sleepy,” Shiro whispered, reaching up to brush a couple of stray locks of your hair away from your face. He watched as your lips stretched into a small, genuine smile.

It was hard not to smile back despite the strong ache of loneliness settling into his chest at the mere thought of leaving you so soon.

“Morning Takashi,” you whispered to him. He felt butterflies wreak the best kind of havoc in his stomach at hearing his name release so sweetly from the lips that bestowed so many kisses to him the night previous to the morning just greeted. “Today’s your big day. Go get ‘em!”

You sounded so enthusiastic. There was sadness in your eyes, a sadness that hinted at the heartbreak you would inevitably feel at Shiro leaving so soon, but still you smiled for him. Shiro didn’t know whether he should be grateful or be sorry.

You continued to smile at him, the sadness in your eyes, but your smile so genuine still.

And Shiro made a decision there and then—  _he would be grateful_.

That is what you would want of him.

He was sure of it.

Leaning down, he pressed his lips gently against your forehead and pulled you close against his chest, savouring the feel of your soft body against his own warmth. He shut his eyes and imprinted the feeling deep into his mind, and onto his very soul.

The road to greatness was a lonely and challenging one. But he wouldn’t have to be alone;  _you would be there with him in spirit_.

And that thought on its own… it gave him strength.

* * *

 

Adam sighed loudly beside you, his arms folded across his chest, eyes glued to the monitor before him as Commander Iverson and Admiral Sanda barked orders at all the officers present in the control room. The radio frequency between the space craft for launch and the main control room was active, and it was Adam’s turn to greet the three heroic space explorers only an hour and a half away from their ultimate launch to Kerberos.

And to think you just thought that large rock was just a random thing circling the outer reaches of the galaxy. You didn’t know Kerberos even existed until you met Shiro, and now your whole  _world_  seemed to revolve around that inconsequential far away moon.

“So, this is it, huh?” Adam sighed quietly into the receiver.

Shiro’s voice came through with some static, “Yeah. I’m kinda nervous!” Shiro laughed quietly.

“I don’t blame you, son.” Sam commented from Shiro’s side of the frequency. You glanced over to Colleen and Katie, who were both holding each other with sad smiles on their faces. They were just as worried as you were, but they were also fun of hope and pride for their family members and Shiro. “I’m feeling quite nervous myself.”

“Not me though!” Matt cheered rather enthusiastically, his volume causing more static to sizzle in and out in various intensities. Katie made a face at the radio and then rolled her eyes.

“He’s so strange. Maybe he’ll find an alien girlfriend who actually likes him out there, heh!” Katie snorted with humour behind her hand. Colleen didn’t even move to reprimand her daughter, her eyes glued to the live-camera feed that shower the control room exactly what was happening in the space craft where Sam, Shiro and Matt were finishing off their last minute preparations before the launch.

“Stay safe, all of you, okay?” Colleen called out, her voice shaking slightly as she clutched at Katie’s shoulders protectively. “And good luck. God speed…”

Sam looked up at the camera in the crew station of the craft and smiled for his wife. Nodding, he saluted her before blowing her a kiss. “We will do everything in our power to stay well. We’ve trained for this honey.”

“I know,” Colleen murmured more to herself than anyone else. Still, her down cast expression was not missed by Katie. The young girl turned in her mother’s arms and hugged her around the waist, burying her cheek against her mother’s abdomen in a both comforting and comfort seeking embrace. “Oh, gods just come back in one piece.”

“We will, mom.” Matt spoke up, his tone warm and soft. He smiled at the camera for his mother and waved. The goodbye was a sombre and touching one for sure. You turned your gaze back to Adam, whose jaw was clenched with the effort of holding himself back from saying something he would perhaps regret.

“Adam,” you spoke up softly beside him, grabbing his attention. His dark brown eyes glistened with unshed tears, and it was then that you knew Adam needed to say whatever it was that was on his mind. After all, he had been Shiro’s boyfriend up until two weeks ago. They had been the Garrison’s power couple— they had been inseparable.

You could at least afford the both of them this moment of bittersweet goodbye.

“Yeah?” Adam whispered, eyebrows rising slightly at your speaking of his name.

You smiled at him, encouraging and kind. “Say what you need to say. No hard feelings from me, I promise.”

Adam took a couple moments to simply stare at you, as if he was trying to figure you out. He seemed to find no ill intention in your words, and with that realisation, his shoulders slumped in relief.

“Thank you, Y/N.”

“Don’t mention it. Do you want me to give you two some privacy?”

You could feel Admiral Sanda and Commander Iverson staring at you from over the control panels, and you realised that there was no real privacy to be had, even at the very last opportunity afforded to family and friends to the Kerberos crew to say goodbye for what may as well could be the very last time. You felt your breath hitch in your throat at the thought, and you immediately willed yourself to think positive thoughts.

No, Shiro was the best damn pilot the Galaxy Garrison had ever seen. There was no way things could go wrong. You vouched for Shiro, and Shiro believed in your judgment more than he seemed to believe in himself at times. You couldn’t turn around and say that you weren’t so sure about your decisions, and your push to have Shiro go up to Kerberos in this deteriorating health state.

Everything… was going to be okay.

Everything  _had_  to be okay.

“You’re seriously asking me that?” Adam deadpanned, reflecting your realisation about the lack of privacy in the room with shocking clarity. “You’re fine, stay right here.”

You nodded, slightly embarrassed. “Right then.”

“Adam,” Shiro’s voice broke through the light banter, catching both of your attentions. You blinked at the monitor, and were graced with Shiro’s adorably bashful smile. You felt your heart swell with endearment at the sight of him decked out in his space suit—  _gods he was really about to do it. He was really about to live his dream_.

Takashi Shirogane would be go for launch to Kerberos in less than two hours.

It was truly unbelievable.

“Takashi,” Adam murmured quietly, an intimate lilt to his tone that somehow had you feeling guilty. Per chance, if you and Shiro hadn’t met and grown to know each other, then maybe Shiro and Adam would still be together. If Shiro hadn’t met you, then maybe he would be safe and sound in the Officer’s Common room, labouring over some student papers.

But sure, while he would be safe, he would surely not be happy.

You worked alongside him for his happiness, and in turn you were playing into a very risky gamble. If all went well though… Shiro would have lived his dream and he would not hold any regrets. And that was all that mattered to you at the end of the day.

Smiling, you crossed your arms protectively over the middle of your torso and hugged yourself as Shiro and Adam simply stared at each other through their respective camera feeds. Finally, after a couple of extended seconds of silence, Shiro sighed and let out a soft laugh.

“I love it when you say my name. Feels comfortable, you know?” Shiro grinned.

Adam chuckled from beside you and let his head bow down for a moment. “Yeah, so how about you say mine now and return the favour.”

“I already said it,” Shiro quirked and eyebrow at Adam, though he sounded like he was teasing the caramel skinned pilot. Laughing at Adam’s clearly put out expression, Shiro shook his head and sighed happily, “Adam…  _thank you for everything_.”

Adam cleared his throat, the words seemingly hitting him right where he needed closure. His body grew relaxed, and he smiled wholeheartedly for the first time since entering the control room.

“No, thank you. And… I’m glad that you’re going to Kerberos. Go on, be great.” Adam raised his hand in a salute, and Shiro returned it back, dropping his own hand slowly and waving it casually.

“Thanks Adam. It means a lot, coming from you, you know? I’ll do you proud. We all will, right men?” Shiro called over his shoulder from the main pilot seat. Matt and Sam saluted from their seats with strong yells of “yes sir!” Shiro grinned back at the camera, his gaze softening. “Take care of Y/N for me while I’m gone, okay? I… I wish we could have had more time together—.”

“Don’t worry,” Adam cut Shiro off before he could get any further with expressing his regrets, “you’re gonna be coming back and you’re gonna see Y/N again.” The conviction with which Adam spoke was admirable, and so strong that you  _believed_  him.

Shiro sighed and nodded, “I love you both. Y/N…  _I’ll keep you in my thoughts, right here_.” Shiro rubbed at his chest, right above where his heart’s location. You couldn’t help the cheerful smile that fought its way onto your lips despite the overwhelming worry you felt regarding the whole mission.

“I love you,” you repeated back with as much emotion as you could muster. You wanted him to feel your intention behind the words. You wanted him to know that you weren’t just saying the words for the sake of it. You really meant them. You really,  _really_  loved Takashi Shirogane. “Be safe, and come back to us.”

“Yeah,” Adam nodded beside you, folding his arms once more in a stern fashion, completely serious, “if anything happens to you out there Shirogane, I’m going to kill you.”

Shiro opened his mouth to respond back, but was cut off as a new arrival barged into the control room, chest heaving with laboured breaths as he seemed to have run from quite a distance to get to the control room on time. You smiled at the familiar visage of your, admittedly, favourite student.

“Cadet! You do not have authorisation to be here—!” Commander Iverson growled, moving forward to intercept Keith. The dark haired youth clenched his jaw, his eyes blood shot as he waved what seemed to be a letter in his hand.

“It’s right here, so move!” Keith shouted, before turning towards you and Adam. He shot Adam a scathing glare before his gaze softened at the sight of you. His eyes darted towards the screen where he saw Shiro, and he immediately stalked towards it with a soft growl. “Shiro!”

“Oh, man…” Shiro mumbled before smiling at Keith, “So you got my letter, huh?”

“You couldn’t have just told me in person? How could you just ask me to do something like this in a letter? And why would you even ask me to do this?” Keith exclaimed, getting louder and louder with every word he spoke. Confused as you were, you simply reached forward and placed what you hoped was a comforting hand on Keith’s shoulder.

Adam stood beside you, looking more amused than concerned.

“Because I trust you,” Shiro said simply, calm and collected. “Keith, remember—.”

“Patience yields focus,” you cut in, completing Shiro’s sentence. You caught Shiro’s eye over the camera feed and nodded to him reassuringly. “Keith, the launch is due in just a little over an hour. I think, maybe, it’s time to say a happy farewell for now, and then head back to class— okay?”

Keith shrugged your hand off his shoulder and groaned. “Shiro,” Keith ignored you for the moment, “you’re gonna be coming back, right? This letter’s just a joke, right?” There was a sense of desperation fo Keith’s tone of voice that had your heart pounding dangerously loud in your chest.

What had Shiro written in the so-called letter he addressed to Keith? Why was Keith so spooked by the contents of the letter?”

“The letter,” Shiro spoke seriously, “is just in case.”

“Just in case? Just in case, what?” Keith didn’t relent.

Shiro shook his head, looking both exasperated and fond. “Keep up the spirit, Keith. You’re gonna need it. And stay out of trouble, okay? You’ve got potential, so don’t waste it. And please, keep the letter in mind okay?”

“I’m curious now,” Adam spoke up, sounding bored, “what’s this letter about anyways?”

Shiro laughed and waved his hand dismissively. “It’s just stuff for Keith. Nothing for anyone else to worry about.” Shiro turned to you and smiled warmly. “I left my last report on the test-simulator on your desk Y/N. Could you proof read it for me and turn it in to Admiral Sanda by the end of today?”

There was a knowing glint in his eye, and if he could have winked without getting caught, you knew he would have. Smiling, a little confused, but over all accommodating, you nodded.

“Sure thing, Shiro—.”

“Takashi.” He corrected softly.

“Takashi.” You repeated, just as soft.

“Alright, visitor’s hour is over. Please wait outside, and feel free to view the monitors in the general waiting and viewing area. Kerberos crew, please commence your final inspection of the craft’s internal modules.” Admiral Sanda’s voice cut through the softness of Shiro’s interaction with you like a jagged knife. You jumped a little, and allowed yourself to be herded out of the control room by Adam, with a visibly upset Keith leading the way out.

“He’s dumb,” Keith mumbled.

You seemed to be the only one who heard him as you ducked down, eyebrows raised inquisitively.

“Why’s he dumb?” You asked gently.

“This letter,” Keith spat weakly, “he makes it seem like he’s never c-coming back.” Keith’s voice wavered, and it was then and there that you realised Keith was  _upset_  that Shiro was leaving. Your heart broke for Keith, the young boy who idolised and respected no one more than he did Takashi Shirogane. “He’s asking me to look out of you like you look out for me, and he’s telling me that I can come to you for anything—.”

Breaking all ethical codes and professionalism, you forgot about your title as Garrison Counsellor, and simply fell into the role of Shiro’s girlfriend— a clear respected figure of Shiro’s young, endearing and troubled protege.

“Keith,” you spoke in gentle tones, “he’s right. While Shiro’s out there, living his dream and doing us proud, if you ever need to talk to someone… I’m here for you.”

“You’re only saying this because I’m your  _client_ —.”

“No,” you said firmly, wanting Keith to really hear you. If Shiro trusted you with Keith’s wellbeing, then you were going to honour his trust. And besides, Keith was a sweet kid; of course you weren’t opposed to helping him out. “I’m saying this because I want to help you. I care about you, you’re like family to me.”

“That’s against the code of conduct,” Adam piped up.

Colleen cleared her throat and turned her head away, conveniently  _not hearing_  a word of what was happening. You caught Katie’s eye, and she grinned at you and shrugged.

“I’ll be honest with you all right now,” you spoke up with conviction, “at this point in time I am not fussed with the Code of Conduct.”

“Y/N, sweetie, not so loud—.”

“Yes,” Admiral Sanda’s voice suddenly cut through the intimate conversation between you, Colleen, Keith, Katie and Adam. You stood at attention immediately and saluted as you had practiced many times before. Adam moved into a sloppy salute beside you, his eyes narrowed at the Admiral. Sanda walked towards you, her eyes narrowed at you and a smirk forming on her lips. “You don’t know who might be around to hear you. Y/N, is it?” Sanda addressed you, her tone lightly scathing.

You gulped and nodded. “Yes, sir!”

It was strange calling a woman  _sir_ , but military protocol was military protocol.

“Well, Y/N, you best watch yourself around here. Your research outcomes are great, that much is for sure, but I will have you know that if the Kerberos Misson fails for any reason, the fall out will fall right back to you and your decision to clear Lieutenant Takashi Shirogane for deep space travel despite his physical and mental deterioration—.”

“There is nothing wrong with his mental health—.”

“He suffered emotional trauma from a recent break up, and he had a speedy affair with one of his subordinate officers.” Sanda laughed lightly and then levelled you with a glare as she crossed her arms pointedly. “Takashi Shirogane has written a letter to a cadet, who he sponsored into the Garrison  _against_  my recommendation to dismiss him.” This time, Sanda shot Keith a stern look, to which Keith turned his head with a disobedient huff. “Shirogane’s not going to be here to protect you now. So be careful. I’m watching you both.”

Your chest tightened and you felt like you couldn’t breathe as the Admiral finished speaking and clicked her heels together before moving off towards the control room again. Before entering the room, she turned her head and smiled stalely.

“The live feed is now active on the screen. This is a proud occasion; see your loved ones off with thoughts to well wishes and good luck.”

And then, Admiral Sanda disappeared behind the metallic door of the control room once more.

Adam let out a breath, as Keith let out a muffled curse.

“She’s not messing around.” Adam shook his head in disbelief. “And kid, she’s right. Shiro’s saved your skin more than you even know.”

“I know!” Keith exclaimed, turning on Adam. “He’s the only one whose ever cared about a deadbeat like me!”

“You’re not a deadbeat!” You protested, shaking your head, fists clenched.

Emotions were dialled up high in the room. Everyone was spooked and worried and incredibly concerned.

Katie coughed and pointed at the monitor.

“Thirty minutes to launch. Let’s… all just sit and watch.”

Conversation ceased and saved for another time, you reached out and pulled Keith over to the seats nearby, gesturing for him to sit beside you. He didn’t put up any resistance as he plopped down next to you and twiddled his thumbs, his dark purple eyes glued to the screen, watching his mentor’s every move.

Adam stood behind you, silently watching the screen.

Colleen sat on your other side, Katie small enough to be pulled onto her lap. Katie reached for your hand, and you held it firmly in your own, palms sweaty, but Katie not really looking like she cared at all.

Keith didn’t protest when your arm wound around his shoulders. He didn’t protest when you pulled him closer to you in a protective hold.

Screw the code of conduct—  _the boy needed someone on his side, and while Shiro wasn’t present, you would be that person for him_.

Adam’s hand rested on your shoulder, a firm and sure grip that anchored you down to reality in a comforting manner that had you  _knowing_  that you weren’t alone.

Colleen’s warmth was a familiar comfort beside you, and the two of you watched on with bated breath and the clock ticked down.

And then finally, Kerberos was a go.

The ship had launched.

The three men on the Kerberos Mission had left the Earth’s atmosphere with an enthusiastic whoop.

And their loves ones continued to sit with bated breaths, hoping and praying that they would return back home in one piece.


End file.
